We Done Lost Our Minds

Okay ya’ll.

I haven’t written an actual blog post for a looooong time. I’ve pretty much used my site for poetry, short stories, etc. But today…oh boy. Not today.

Many of you are probably familiar with the dating app, Bumble. If you aren’t, here’s a quick crash course: Tinder, but yellow. Just kidding; basically Bumble is another one of the “swipe right to match, left to pass” apps that lets folks create profiles and easily scroll through up to six photos without having to read one sentence about the actual individual they’re judging. I do it, you probably do it, like 70% of everyone does it. We enjoy meeting people. Sue us.

Anyway, users of these apps are also familiar with the occasional advertisement that flitters by, briefly interrupting their swipetime. Today, something happened that I NEVER would have expected to see in the middle of my Bumblebee-tuna.

I was bombarded by political Leftism.

Yes. A liberal slap in the face right smack in the middle of a dating app.

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That’s right. Bumble is banning guns. #SJW

 

I suppose you’re wondering how on Earth these two things, dating and gun control, could possibly be related. Well, luckily they tell us. Apparently, if you’re seen shooting a gun in your photos, you’re a dangerous swipelicant. That is to say, the (most-likely red-blooded eagle-scouted) applicant you see in front of you poses danger should you take the risk and swipe right.

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Yes, report them so we know who to ship off to Antarctica when tempered reason finally sweeps the nation once more.

 

And before the super justice warriors berate me for being insensitive, let me nip it in the bud and say this: if you’re offended by my light hearted poke in the ribs here…please get a life. I say that genuinely. Because I’m laughing at this, and so should you.

Anyway, I don’t think I need to say much else to illustrate how absurd this is. So instead, I’ll just say go to Amazon and buy my book, Continuity. Type in Matt Shao in the search bar, because I’m not important enough yet to pop up when you just search the title. Its a fun read, and book 2 comes out soon. We blast into space and things.

Cause, you know, with stuff like this going on…I think its about that time.

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Modern Dating

Hello again my people!

Tonight we talk of change

You all know what I speak of

That dreaded dating game

Gone, those days of wonder

Where in stomachs, wings would flap

But butterflies are gone now

Their place, a shallow app

Sigh…rather than depress you

And speak the truth today

Instead I’ll joke about it

Make light of things we say

So let me guess, dear ladies

If I stumbled ‘cross your pics

The bio’s not much different

Than the rest of all the chicks’

You’re “not here for a hookup”

You like whiskey and craft beer

Hate shirtless mirror selfies

I bet you “just moved here”

Your heart is pure, still searching

For a leader among men

But that jerk just sent a dog pic

Ugh, here we go again

This brings me to my next point

You women aren’t to blame

We fellas say “I’m different”

But often cheat the game

So let me take a shot here

And venture but a guess

For all I know of others

Is what you say and stress

It sounds most of our bios

All follow common trends

We tell you that we’re different

But nudes? We’ll gladly send

We aren’t here for a hookup

Just the same as you

But when it comes to meeting

A bar is our go-to

Oh, and did you get it?

The picture? Wait, I’ll send

Don’t my gains look awesome?

That mirror’s my best friend

Anyway, I digress

It’s cynical, I know

So much for staying whimsy

This all just bugs me so

Don’t get me wrong, I get it

Just human, all are we

I know that it’s our nature

And perfect, none can be

Anyway, I’m ranting

Let’s end it for tonight

Let’s get back to the real world

This game of swiping right

But ‘fore I finish scribbling

A last thing, I shall say

From deepest heart, I promise

Real love will come one day

Perhaps from out of nowhere

This search, it finally ends

The butterflies will find you

This I know, my friends