Woe is Me

Friday night, bars are closing

I don’t know why I’m here

Feelings hit me deep inside, stepping in this Uber ride

It’s loneliness I fear

Every time, inside my head

I say that she’s the one

Naïveté and ignorance have got me acting with no sense

So why oh why do I keep saying this is pointless and I’m done?

Finally things are going well

But like every other time

The real comes out and causes doubt

I cant stand the paradigm

I don’t think I’m wrong but

You don’t think I’m right why

Can’t we get along and

Not do this every night

I’m tired of the fighting, and

I’m tired of the arguin’

This only causes breakups and

Makes people want to live in sin

I wish more than anything

To find someone who’s struggling

Someone who sees the world like me

Who doesn’t judge and lives freely

A person who embraces flaws

Instead of these unspoken laws

Who’d rather sit and talk with me

Than go out for a shallow drink

Sadness sweeps so subtly

The more I think of you and me

I wish this world was different, see

Filled with love, and yet sadly

It’s superficiality

That guides our actions, you agree?

I beg your pardon, woe is me

This world is just…melancholy

Forward

It’s often that i see this

If truth were to be told

Despite the goal: inspire

It turns warmth to bitter cold

If ever you are struggling

If ever you are down

Remember they don’t matter

And that words can’t bring you down

For often will you hear, when

You are looking far ahead

That all your dreams are fiction

Come and fit the mold, instead

Be strong, my friend, for as we

Chase our dreams and live as one

Your calling will come one day

That it’s justified, your run

Don’t ever tell yourself “no”

It just simply can’t be done

Instead get up, get grinding

Until that day has fine’ly come

Our time on Earth has limits

It’s too short for stress and strife

Just find what makes you happy

And live your dream, this life

Ms. Scribbler

Hello my friend!

Please lend an ear

A tale have I

For you to hear

Once upon

A timely time

A maiden lived

Who loved to rhyme

She’d sit outside

As sun shined bright

Observe the world

And write and write

Her rhymes were filled

With love and fear

And all the things

From there to here

And so it was

For years and years

This scribbling damsel

Laughs and tears

Until one day

There came about

A trav’ling minstrel

Passed her house

Pinned outside

As he passed along

A wondrous rhyme

So fit for song

And so the man

He went inside

Said “Please Miss Scribbler,

Become my bride”

The two were wed

Grand lives they had

The moral here

Is clear, dear lad

Love will come

The wait, while long

You’ll find the words

That fit your song

Vengeance 

Your sticks and your stones

May break all my bones 

But these acts, I swear you’ll regret

For time heals us all

It builds a stone wall

And this, we shall not forget

You came here to slay 

To take mine away

All that, which we hold close and dear

Yet here, I still stand

Bloodstained, on my land

And wait, as your armies draw near

I clean my steel sword 

Serving these lands as Lord

My honor, it’s all that I am

Till death shall I fight

All through this dark night

For my muse, for my love, for my lamb

And as you draw back

This feeble attack

Remember, we started as friend

And know, upon death 

As you draw your last breath

Your family name, it shall end.

 

The Revolt Returns: 9

“Hey guys! Has anyone seen my jar of annoying whispering wisps?”

Approaching the Lenghornian village’s central meeting area, Dustin the Determined asks his co-workers where his pets might be.

“Oh yeah, we actually threw them out.” Chris the Comical tells him. “They all died. Did you not feed them?”

His quizzical stare slowly fading into a devious smirk, Dustin chuckles under his breath.

“Wait. Those things eat? I thought they were like…spirits or something. Well maybe not spirits. But ghosts. Or demons. Or something like that. Ya know? Like sometimes I wondered if they were even real cause sometimes I think I see things that aren’t there and then I’m like”

“DUSTIN!” The servers collectively shout, ending the rant and refocusing his attention.

“Forget them dude. They’ve joined our fallen comrades in peaceful slumber beyond the veil,” Chris assures him.

“Huh. Imagine that.” Dustin dismissively says, shrugging his shoulders. “Sucks to be them! Stupid wisps.”

“Right.” Chris says with a subtle laugh, putting his arm around Dustin’s shoulder to usher him into the meeting that was already taking place. “Johnny, please continue,” he says, looking toward the slightly introverted, usually soft spoken Giver of Speeches.

“Anyway,” Johnny the Jovial shouts to the villagers, “here is the plan. Our Barfly Gnat scouts have caught wind of Spam’s battle plans. We must break this wind! Let me tell you, faithful companions, these are sinister plans indeed. For Spam intends to secretly use her brainless Chilian soldier-slaves to mount a massive assault on this very village. But this shall be merely be a diversion for her true intention: sending her disgusting, uncontrollably hairy minion Will the Wolf to assassinate our village leadership!”

“GASP!!”

Collectively inhaling with such ferocity that Jade the Painfully Attractive Lade’s server apron almost falls off, the Lenghornians express disbelief of their oppressive manager’s intentions.

Confidently raising his hand, Johnny the Gentleman calms his loyal subjects.

“My friends…” he softly asserts, using his other hand to unsheath a blade so powerful it nearly blinds the crowd, “worry not. For I wield Steakscalibir!! I shall embark on an epic mission along with our brave cohort Dustin the Deft and end this treachery before it has a chance to take root!” He shouts, raising the fabled blade in triumph.

“HUZZAH!!” The Lenghornians cry in excited elation. “All hail Johnny! All hail Dustin!!” They cheer.

Glancing over the crowd to witness Brittany the Beautiful deliver a patron’s Blue Moon well after the beer’s expected arrival time, Johnny returns his gaze down to his fellow servers as he gracefully nods in appreciation of their support. Subtly glancing at Dustin, he slyly winks, smirks, and nods in silent acknowledgemnt of the legendary quest on which they shall soon embark.

A quest, as it were, which will define the future of the Lenghornian village for ages to come.

The Revolt Returns: 8

“Hey, what was the name of that new girl again? You know, the brown haired Lenghornian with the exquisite…personality?”

Back in Spam’s newly reconstructed Tower of Management, Will the Wolf ponders the assets of a Lenghornian newcomer with Chilian manservent, Quesadilla.

“I know not, my Lord.” Quesadilla replies. “I am but a lowly Chilian. Our ribs and terrible 2 for 1 specials in those tiny mugs pale in comparison to you Lenghornians. You know I am not savvy to such information. I am nothing if not a loyal subject of my dear, sexy Spam.”

“Ah, valid point, peasant.” Will says. “Perhaps I shall raid their pathetic village and take her for my own. Show her how a real wolf gets down,” he growls with a creepy glint in his eye.

Suddenly, a female voice echos from an adjacent chamber.

“I would find that most unwise, my hairy lover.”

Waltzing out of the nearby walkway, a majestically sexy fox with an inexplicable aura of sophistication joins the pair.

“Assuming, of course, you intend to keep that wonderful wolf manhood of yours attached to your body,” she adds with a wink.

“My love! You know I jest,” Will the Wolf says with a subtle adjustment of his woolly pants, effortlessly concealing his embarrassing blood flow as his gaze glides up and down Celeste the Sultry’s painfully attractive body.

“That’s what I thought,” she says with a smirk and a peck on his wolfly cheek. “Alas, where is our leader? Surely its time to finalize our plans for the assault on the Lenghornian village.”

Interjecting, Quesadilla angrily answers her query.

“Our beloved leader is seeing to her commitments in the North, fox,” he says with an annoyed glance toward Celeste.

As a dedicated Chilian, Quesadilla is fiercely loyal to none but his offensively nasty restaurant. Spam, being the conniving woman she is, wooed the slave and his compatriots through an ingeniously crafted plan to gain Chilian support. Simply put – she informed their corporate management to take the beef bacon ranch quesadilla off of their already disgusting menu. After her suggestion led to quadrupled profits, the Chilian constituents fell right into her perfectly placed trap. As intended, her army swelled and she inherited the mindless servant that is Quesadilla.

“When does she intend to return?” Will the Wolf asks, smoothly deflecting the obvious resentment Quesadilla had directed toward his foxy lover.

“Our liege is scheduled to grace us with her return on the ‘morrow,” the manservant sneers. “Now, you must excuse me. I am required for other, more pressing obligations. Since she has graciously deemed me worthy of such responsibilities,” he adds as a not-so-subtle slight toward Celeste.

Exiting the chamber, Quesadilla hobbles toward whatever tasks he undoubtedly had just made up. Left alone, Celeste grins as she hops into her lover’s hairy arms.

Turning her head toward the sky, she smirks.

“Its time to end this chapter, I think,” she creepily says to me. “I know you didn’t really develop the plot in any meaningful way here, but I’m seriously jonesing for this guy’s…service,” she says with a soft laugh and nod toward the wolf of her dreams.

Wondering how the hell a fantasy character became aware of its omniscient Godly creator, the author types the last few characters of his entry, closing the cover to his laptop with a confused, blank stare on his face.

The Revolt Returns: 7

shhhhhhh letusoutofthisstupidjaryouslickhairedmaniac shhhhhhh

Back in the Lenghornian village, Dustin the Determined is carrying around his jar of wisps like a trophy. Easily entertained, he looks at them with the grin of a school boy looking at his first bowl of sea monkeys.

“Ha!” He laughs. “Stupid wisps. Bet you wish you hadn’t made fun of my hair now, huh?”

shhhhhhh pleaseletusoutforreal shhhhhh ithinkcarljustfartedanditsmells shhhhhhh

“Nope.” Dustin says, setting the jar down on the windowsill of his plastic straw hut.

Chopping lettuce in an attempt to help the brainless cooks keep the salad window stocked, Dustin hears a knock on the door.

“Dustin, we have news from the East!” A soothing female voice shouts. “Come, join us in the square!”

Pointing his knife and squinting at the wisps as to say “behave while I’m gone”, he sets the blade down and joins Stephanie the Sweet outside. His curiosity stirring, the pair hurriedly make their way to the center town square. Finally reaching the rest of the villagers, they settle into the crowd. Standing center stage behind a podium, Connee, The Fairy Queen of the House of Front, announces the grave news.

“Lenghornians! I come to you with news of utmost treachery! Our Barfly Gnat scouts have caught wind that Spam intends to overrun us with an army of Chilians from the East!”

GASP!

“This cannot be!” Jade, a girl that everyone obviously wants to “get to know” says.”I thought our Eastern Border was protected by the Calver army!”

“Alas, my dear,” Connee begins,”just because they are next door does not mean they have the capabilities to protect our lands. In fact their burger patties are far too thin to shield any of the Chilian siege weapons. We cannot count on them.”

“She speaks the truth.” A soft, reserved voice says from the back of the crowd. Stepping forward, Johnny the Gentleman offers his services. “Dear Fairy, allow me to raise a regiment of Lenghornian Revolters. We shall defend the realm until our dying breath.”

“Huzzah!” The Lenghornians cheer, patting Johnny on his firm buttocks.

Nodding her head and waving her tong wand, Connee manifests a leather tunic and suit of armor for Johnny, which he assertively grabs and straps on.

“You will need this as well, my Knight.” Connee says, handing Johnny a gleaming silver serrated steak knife.

“Steakscalibur!” Johnny says in astonishment. “Where did you obtain such a legendary relic?”

“Alas, my dear, twas easy for a Fairy of my level.” Connee says with a snide grin. “Come! Accept that which I bestow!” She shouts as she hands Johnny the beautiful blade. “You will lead your fellow Lenghornians, along with Dustin the Determined, to victory! I have read the prophecies. They tell a tale of a massive battle to come! We must prepare!”

“Huzzah!” The crowd shouts. “To war!”

 

 

 

The Revolt Returns: 6

“Quesadilla! Why is there no salt on my swine?!”

Far to the East, the realm’s new manager Spam shouts at her brainless Chilian manservant. Despite her managerial commitment to Lenghorn, she has diabolically crafted an alter-ego which, in her spare time, she utilizes to control the activities of the Lenghornian’s rivals.

“Apologies, my liege,” the Chilian manservant says, tilting a salt shaker above the steaming boar’s head which Spam is ironically about to consume. Ironically, of course, because pork is in fact an ingredient of actual spam. 

“Hmmph. That is quite enough.” Spam asserts with a dismissive wave of her hand. “Off you go.”

Sneering at his salty contribution to his masters meal, Quesadilla slowly waddles his way out of the massive dining hall, leaving Spam to her own devices.

Mmmm grumble chew chomp pghlegm swallow

Having her fill with the remainder of the swine, Spam stands up and waltzes to the tower’s open balcony, looking out on the lands below. 

Ha! These stupid Lenghornians shall never know what hit them. She thinks to herself, creepily rubbing her hands together. They think they’re the only restaurant in town? Please. My Chilians will make mince meat of these weaklings.

Spam’s rise to power was no accident. After having Netflixed and chilled on many occasions, she has heard the Star Wars plot line play out on far too many occasions. She now knows all too well how Senator Palpatine disguised himself as the leader of the Republic, yet simultaneously led the Empire in the shadows as Darth Sidious, unbeknownst to all. She intends to use the very same tactics against the Lenghornians, cultivating a massive army within the Chilian empire to overtake the pathetic Lenghornian villagers. 

They’ll never know what hit them. 

Suddenly, a deep voice bellows from within the Tower stairwell.

“Spam! Our army is nearing completion. The Lenghornians shall all die!” The voice  shouts.

Swiveling to face the stairwell, Spam holds her hand out, beckoning the voice to present itself.

“Show yourself, General! You know I detest that which I cannot see!”

“Yes, my liege.” The deep voice says as a clicking sound manifests in the stairwell. Seconds later, a jacked hairy werewolf emerges, ducking under the stone doorway leading into Spam’s chamber.

“Ah, there you are.” Spam says, attempting to discern whether he should button one more button on his shirt or if she actually likes the small amount of chest hair that is revealed. 

“Tell me more of my army!” She demands.

“Yes, my liege.” Will the Wolf says. “The Chilians are coming along splendidly. They are as brainless and obedient as the Lenghornian cooks! Muahahaha!” He cackles. 

“Excellent.” Spam says as she adjusts the Lenghornian floor plan into a chaotic calamity of confusion. “Soon we will launch our offensive. No longer will we have to tell customers we don’t have chips and salsa. Muahahaha!”

“You are so wise, my liege.” Will says, bowing his hairy wolf head in respect as he subtly checks her out because he cannot resist a hot manager. “I shall ascertain that our forces are well prepared to destroy the weak Lenghornians.”

“See that you do.” Spam says, dismissing him.

Leaning over the balcony, Spam peers over her lands in anticipation of the battle to come. 

Time for your annual review, Lenghornians. Muahahahaha!!

The Revolt Returns: Ep 4

“Guys! Look what I’ve got!”

Hastily returning to the server village following the completion of his quest, Dustin the Daring waves his spoils in front of him as he struts through the village’s main street.

Hearing the commotion, the servers of Lenghorn gradually exit their huts one by one, finally meeting in the town square. As they all form a group in front of the square’s Breadboard Center Stage, Dustin takes his place in front of them as their new hero.

“Behold!” He shouts, holding the leather satchel carrying the fabled colors of Xavier the Rainbow Unicorn up so all can see. “See what I hath returned with!”

“Oh my goodness, he did it! He actually did it! Our hero!” The group of new girl hires that no one really knows yet but the guys still wonder if they party all say, batting their newly hired eyelashes.

“Yes, I did it!” Dustin valiantly shouts as he reaches into his satchel, seemingly to pull out the colors that were lost in the Forest of Broccoli Florets. Pulling out a glowing container instead, he holds it above to show the Lenghornians.

“Behold! A jar of captured will-o-the-wisps! We shall now have them as our pets!” He shouts with a gleaming smile.

Suddenly, the Lenghornians fall silent.

“What the Hell?” Chris the Comical asks. “Wisps?! We sent you after Xavier’s colors!”

“Oh, right.” Dustin says, quietly laughing to himself as he shakes the jar to stir the annoying wisps. “I just thought it’d be cool to capture these stupid things. They talk so funny, ya know? Hisssssssss. Ha! Stupid butterflies. Anyway, here ya go.” He adds, reaching into the satchel again and nonchalantly tossing the jar of colors to Chris.

As the Lenghornians see Dustin give Chris the colors, the excitement immediately returns.

“Our hero!” The girls say again.

“Quickly!” David the Hard to Come Up With An Appropriate Title says, “We must get these to Xavier!”

“Huzzah!” The Lenghornians cheer. “Long live Dustin!”

Forming a line, the Lenghornians all begin making their way East, just over the Potato Hills toward the land of Mystical Creatures. Xavier retreated to these lands after losing his colors, ashamed of being the only monochromatic Rainbow Unicorn in the realm.

As the group reaches their neighboring lands, they become awed by the fantastical beings they’ve never before seen.

“Look, Pip!” Rachael the Randy says. “Its a mythical Barfly Gnat! I thought they were only real in stories!”

Overhearing the two hostesses with the mostesses, Blake the Bartender leans down to tell them what the world is really like.

“Oh no, dear hosts.” He says. “The Barfly Gnats are very much a part of our reality. We simply choose to subconsciously ignore the little things even though we all know and laugh about them. After all, what could a Barfly Gnat do to us? They are no threat.”

“Wow,” Pip the Pretty Hot and Tempting says. “You are so wise.”

“Aye, he is indeed.” Chris the Comical says, holding his hand up to halt the group. “Stop! We’ve reached our destination everyone! Time to find our friend.”

Seeing the Lenghornians approaching from his Fancy Schmancy Unicorn Oasis, Xavier reluctantly begins to make his way toward them to say hello.

“Hey guys…” He says, his head hanging low.

“Xavier! Oh, how we have missed you!” Stephanie the Smart says, walking up and patting him on his shapely buns.

“Yeah, I’ve missed you guys too. I just…well, you know.”

“We DO know, my friend.” Chris says, approaching Xavier and resting his arm around him. “Which is why we brought you this!”

Pulling out the jar of colors, Chris the Comical unscrews the lid and shakes the magical greatness back onto the coat of the true Rainbow Unicorn.

“WOW!” Xavier suddenly shouts, obviously invigorated by Chris’ application of hues. “Where, how, why, guys?!” He says in bewilderment, shocked that the Lenghornians have gone through the trouble of finding his colors.

“Because we freakin love you!” Chris shouts. “Duh! Plus, how many Rainbow Unicorns do YOU know? You’re the only one I’ve seen, so I’d say that makes you pretty darn worth it.”

“Gosh. Thanks guys. Ya’ll are the best.” Xavier says in profound appreciation.

————————————————–

And so that’s how our hero, Dustin the Determined, saved Xavier the Rainbow Unicorn from losing his colors. Occasionally, the frequency of which depending on the cool down timer of course, our equestrian friend can now use his colorful flow to resurrect a select individual from beyond the veil. Yes, things in the Lenghornian village finally seem to have reached a peaceful, non-oppressive point. They may now enjoy life for what it is. Fun.

But wait.

There are wisps stirring. Rumors, brewing. An uprising, you say? It must be investigated. For all we know is the realm of Lenghorn. And this realm, we must protect.

Dum dum dummmmmm in a really deep base soundddddddd

 

 

 

 

The Revolt Returns: Ep 3

Shhhhhhhh “someonetellthisguytogetthehelloutofourwoods” shhhhhhh

Furthering his trek deep into the Forest of Broccoli Florets, Dustin the Determined looks back toward the small group of annoying will-o-the-wisps that has followed his journey with ever-watchful, glowing eyes.

“Shoo! Stop following me you stupid butterflies!” He shouts as he adjusts the monocle on his eye which is designed to reveal the lost colors of Xavier, the Rainbow Unicorn.

Shhhhhhhhh “wearenotbutterfliesyouslickhaireddummy” shhhhhhhh “wearewispssssss” shhhhhhhh

The luminescent group hisses back at him, their wings continuing to flutter amidst the forest’s eerie breeze.

“Whatever, weirdos.” Dustin whispers to himself. Bending over to pick up a fallen branch, he reaches into his leather tunic’s pocket and pulls out the small Zippo lighter he uses to light candles of Birthday Sundae’s he normally gives to Lenghornian patrons. Setting the end of the branch ablaze, he suddenly jerks around, engulfing the group of whispering pixies in a fiery ball of wonder. Watching their bodies burn until they are a heap of smoldering corpses on the forest floor, he smiles to himself as he holds the flaming branch out to light the gradually darkening path ahead.

“Good job, Dustin! Stupid butterflies.” He asserts.

“Thanks, man!” He replies, patting himself on the back with his free hand. “Alright. Wait, what are we doing here again?”

“Oh crap.” He says, halting his pace to scratch his slick-haired head. “Ummmmm I think we were looking for something. Something…let’s see. Something red?”

“Red! I think you’re right. Or was it blue?”

“Maybe it was both?”

As he continues his questioning…of himself…another group of wisps flutters by, horrified at the pile of ashes before them.

Shhhhhhhh “ohmygodheykilledfrankandsueandcarlandjohnandwhatthehellbrowhyyyyy” shhhhhhh

They hiss, quickly flying away to avoid being turned into a similar heap of death.

“Anyway, I think we were looking for like a horse or something.” Dustin’s endless conversation continues.

Suddenly a mysterious voice from beyond the avoid can be heard from the treetops, jolting Dustin back into focus.

Dustinnnn….. The faint, female voice whispers. Look to the Eassssssssssst….

“What the hell?” Dustin says, looking up at the nothingness above him.

The Easssssssssst….. The voice continues.

“Who’s there?!” Dustin shouts, still looking to the treetops.

Seriousssssssly. The EASSSSSSSST!!!  The now-impatient voice bellows. It is I, the recently departed soul of Miranda the Frequently Checked Outtttttttt…..

“Oh, damn! Miranda?! Why didn’t you say so?” Dustin asks, still looking up.

Shifting into a terse, normal voice, the soul of Miranda the Frequently Checked Out shortens.

“Good Lord, Dustin. I said look to the freaking East! You totally ruined my sexy mysterious spirit-voice.” She impatiently says.

“Oh, right.” He says, shaking his head to snap out of his daze.

“No, its actually to your left.” Miranda sighs, most likely rolling the spirits of her eyes.

Turning to his left, Dustin finally spots a glistening shimmer of rainbow colors through his magic monocle, partly hidden by the trunk of a nearby tree.

“Hey!” He shouts. “That’s what we were looking for!”

Quieting down into her sexy voice of phantom mystique, the hissing soul of Miranda announces her departure, her voice slowly fading away.

My task is completeeeeeee. Farewell, faithful Lenghorniannnnnnnnn……

Walking to the missing colors of Xavier the Rainbow Unicorn, Dustin bends down to scoop them up, sealing them inside the empty can of peppercorn filling he has with him.

“There!” He proudly says to himself with a grin. “Time to head back to the village!”

“Way to go, my man!” His alter-ego affirms. “Hey, did you remember to bring the ocarina so we can beckon Norm the Steed?” He asks….himself.

“Crap!” He shouts. “I knew we forgot something. Oh well. Hey, lets capture some of those stupid wisps and bring them back as pets.”

“Great idea!”

And so, carrying the fabled colors of Xavier the Rainbow Unicorn, our hero begins the long, arduous walk back to his beloved Lenghornians – can of captured wisps in stow. He has accomplished the first quest bestowed unto him with ease.

We can only hope his good fortune continues, for there are vastly trying times ahead….

 

 

 

 

The Revolt Returns: Ep 2

“WOAH Nelly!!”

Tugging the reigns of Norman the Steed, Dustin the Determined halts her beautiful backside at the entrance to the server village’s nearby Forest of Broccoli Florets.

“I told you not to call me that, Dustin.” Norman sneers, turning her head to grimace at the nervous rider.

“Oh, right…sorry. Norm. Er, Norma. I mean Normal. Gosh! I mean Norman.”

Rolling her sparkling horsey eyes, she kneels so Dustin can unsaddle her.

“Alrighty, off you go then.” She says as she Begins galloping her way back to the village. “Good luck!”

Gallop gallop gallop.

Glancing down as he dusts himself off, Dustin looks back up to the tree line ahead and shrugs his shoulders.

“Well, I guess it’s just me and you then buddy.”

“Looks like it! Let’s go find those colors, shall we?” Dustin replies to himself.

Briskly strolling forward he enters the dark, shadowy forest as a group of will-o-the-wisps begin to stir from the branches above.

Shhhhhh “whothehellisthisrandom” shhhhhhh 

They softly whisper to each other as they flutter about; their wings hissing in the wind.

Shhhhh “idunnobuthesortoflookslikehanniballector” shhhhh

They continue whispering, keeping their watchful eyes on the newcomer as he struts into their domain. Briefly sneaking a peek at the wisps from the corner of his eye, Dustin ignores them as he pulls a monocle out of his leather tunic’s pocket. Placing it over his eye, he adjusts it so he can focus on the path ahead.

“Alrighty.” He whispers to himself. “The fairies Ashli and Connee said this lens will highlight any Unicorn parts if I pass by them. Hopefully those colors are close by.”

“I sure hope so.” He replies.

Tiptoeing his way deeper into the woods, Dustin nervously rubs his hands together as the wisps settle back into the branches. Darkness lies ahead, and his courage will surely be tested in the trials to come.

The Revolt Returns: Ep 1

“It cannot be so!”

High atop the hills overlooking the Lenghornian Village of Servers, Cedric the Everhigh gasps as he hears news that Xavier the Unicorn’s coat has lost it’s color.

“Its true!” Wails Rachel, the Host Who Must Not Be Flirted With For Fear of Boyfriendly Retribution. “I just saw him gulping water by the oasis, his coat was completely gray!” She cries.

“This is unacceptable!” Cedric shouts as he exhales a cloud of Keep Kush, stimulating the olfactory senses of his counterpart. “Without his colors, Xavier’s urine will no longer be able to resurrect our fallen heroes! We must commission a team of scouts to regain our rainbow unicorn’s color!”

“Yes, we must!” Rachel says, nodding in agreement.

“Come, we must make the announcement.” Cedric asserts, beckoning Rachel to follow.

As the pair descend the hill and make their way into the center of the Village, Rachel begins to bang on the doors of her co-workers.

“Guys! Town Meeting! We have something we need to tell everyone!”

Wiping their eyes as they emerge from their plastic straw huts, the servers congregate in the center of the Village. Unsure of what’s going on, they group around the recently erected statue commemorating the Battle for Free Servitude – when the District Manager was sprinkled with Prairie Dust and transformed into a chocolate dessert, ushering the dawn of the New Age.

Nudging him to the front of the group, Rachel tells Cedric to share the news.

“What up folks? Big deal here.” Cedric begins. “Listen, we got a problem. Our boy has lost his colors.” He says, pointing across the grassy meadow at the plain gray unicorn peacefully sipping the water cascading from the oasis’ small waterfall. “Ain’t no idea how this shit happened, but it happened. And we need to get them back. Cause you all know what dude’s wiener water can do to those who get themselves kilt. Plus, he’s done a lot for us, so we owe it to him.”

“How could this be?!” Asks Connee the Fairy. “Xavier’s flow is the only way to bring back our departed from beyond the Veil!”

“That’s right!” Cedric exclaims. “So we need to get the colors back. Who’s down to go?” He asks, panning the group.

*Blank stares and blinking eyes as heads slowly turn toward Dustin*

“Ugh, seriously guys? Why does everyone always make me do the stuff no one else wants to do?” Asks Dustin the Frequently Undermined, as he looks at his fellow servers with disdain. “Whatever. I’ll freakin’ do it. But someone else is doing my side work tonight.”

“Great!” Brittany the Buff cheers. “But where will you begin your search?”

“I don’t know.” Dustin says. “You know, maybe I’ll start by the oak trees. Or maybe not. I don’t know. But maybe I will. You know, the oak trees probably have colors somewhere, cause like, the leaves are green, right? Green’s a color. And that’s what we need. Colors. Like the ones on the rainbow. Rainbows have all the colors. Sometimes I think it’d be cool to ski on a rainbow. And then”

“DUSTIN!” Rachel shouts.

“What?” He responds.

“Find Xavier’s colors.”

“On it.” Dustin says.

Off he rides, saddling Norman, the ever faithful steed as they gallop toward the oak trees to begin their quest. Uncertainty hovers over the horizon, for there have been whispers of a new village uprising far to the North. One thing is for sure, however: fate has much planned for our hero, Dustin the Determined.