Shhhhhhhh “someonetellthisguytogetthehelloutofourwoods” shhhhhhh
Furthering his trek deep into the Forest of Broccoli Florets, Dustin the Determined looks back toward the small group of annoying will-o-the-wisps that has followed his journey with ever-watchful, glowing eyes.
“Shoo! Stop following me you stupid butterflies!” He shouts as he adjusts the monocle on his eye which is designed to reveal the lost colors of Xavier, the Rainbow Unicorn.
Shhhhhhhhh “wearenotbutterfliesyouslickhaireddummy” shhhhhhhh “wearewispssssss” shhhhhhhh
The luminescent group hisses back at him, their wings continuing to flutter amidst the forest’s eerie breeze.
“Whatever, weirdos.” Dustin whispers to himself. Bending over to pick up a fallen branch, he reaches into his leather tunic’s pocket and pulls out the small Zippo lighter he uses to light candles of Birthday Sundae’s he normally gives to Lenghornian patrons. Setting the end of the branch ablaze, he suddenly jerks around, engulfing the group of whispering pixies in a fiery ball of wonder. Watching their bodies burn until they are a heap of smoldering corpses on the forest floor, he smiles to himself as he holds the flaming branch out to light the gradually darkening path ahead.
“Good job, Dustin! Stupid butterflies.” He asserts.
“Thanks, man!” He replies, patting himself on the back with his free hand. “Alright. Wait, what are we doing here again?”
“Oh crap.” He says, halting his pace to scratch his slick-haired head. “Ummmmm I think we were looking for something. Something…let’s see. Something red?”
“Red! I think you’re right. Or was it blue?”
“Maybe it was both?”
As he continues his questioning…of himself…another group of wisps flutters by, horrified at the pile of ashes before them.
Shhhhhhhh “ohmygodheykilledfrankandsueandcarlandjohnandwhatthehellbrowhyyyyy” shhhhhhh
They hiss, quickly flying away to avoid being turned into a similar heap of death.
“Anyway, I think we were looking for like a horse or something.” Dustin’s endless conversation continues.
Suddenly a mysterious voice from beyond the avoid can be heard from the treetops, jolting Dustin back into focus.
Dustinnnn….. The faint, female voice whispers. Look to the Eassssssssssst….
“What the hell?” Dustin says, looking up at the nothingness above him.
The Easssssssssst….. The voice continues.
“Who’s there?!” Dustin shouts, still looking to the treetops.
Seriousssssssly. The EASSSSSSSST!!! The now-impatient voice bellows. It is I, the recently departed soul of Miranda the Frequently Checked Outtttttttt…..
“Oh, damn! Miranda?! Why didn’t you say so?” Dustin asks, still looking up.
Shifting into a terse, normal voice, the soul of Miranda the Frequently Checked Out shortens.
“Good Lord, Dustin. I said look to the freaking East! You totally ruined my sexy mysterious spirit-voice.” She impatiently says.
“Oh, right.” He says, shaking his head to snap out of his daze.
“No, its actually to your left.” Miranda sighs, most likely rolling the spirits of her eyes.
Turning to his left, Dustin finally spots a glistening shimmer of rainbow colors through his magic monocle, partly hidden by the trunk of a nearby tree.
“Hey!” He shouts. “That’s what we were looking for!”
Quieting down into her sexy voice of phantom mystique, the hissing soul of Miranda announces her departure, her voice slowly fading away.
My task is completeeeeeee. Farewell, faithful Lenghorniannnnnnnnn……
Walking to the missing colors of Xavier the Rainbow Unicorn, Dustin bends down to scoop them up, sealing them inside the empty can of peppercorn filling he has with him.
“There!” He proudly says to himself with a grin. “Time to head back to the village!”
“Way to go, my man!” His alter-ego affirms. “Hey, did you remember to bring the ocarina so we can beckon Norm the Steed?” He asks….himself.
“Crap!” He shouts. “I knew we forgot something. Oh well. Hey, lets capture some of those stupid wisps and bring them back as pets.”
“Great idea!”
And so, carrying the fabled colors of Xavier the Rainbow Unicorn, our hero begins the long, arduous walk back to his beloved Lenghornians – can of captured wisps in stow. He has accomplished the first quest bestowed unto him with ease.
We can only hope his good fortune continues, for there are vastly trying times ahead….
How the World Should Work 