You Can’t Spell Fame Without Me

Sure a catchy title, no?

I mean its kind of right

Said before, I’m sure it’s so

But came to me tonight

 

Some day an agent reading a

Submission (one of mine)

Will finish it and be like “Shit!”

“This author I must sign!”

 

But then the intern (her name’s Pam)

Will come say “Time for lunch!”

As the agent says “Oh damn,”

Sets me back in the bunch

 

Getting back, she sits right down

And scratches her blank head

Says “Where was I?” with a frown

Then starts to tweet instead

 

Yes it funny, though its true

This tale that came to be

The future first is said like “few”

And fame, ends with a “me”

No Pun Intended

I start and I end with a shower, all nude

Turned on is the water, so set is the mood

I put on my old socks, ever so slowly

I should take them to church cause my socks are so holy

But before this day starts, I must say that this chap

Shall first drop a deuce, ‘cause he don’t give a crap

Flip a coin in the well, but it wasn’t well-spent

Matchbox 20 disc broke; the damn album got Bent

Wrapped a fish in some tin, but my main course was spoiled

Too long did it cook, dinner plans were all foiled

Felt so lonely today, I bought some stock shares

Now I have company, so pull up some chairs

My last girl couldn’t see straight, she was sadly cross-eyed

We broke up when I heard she sees men on the side

The ex before would come home shouting, loud as a drum

When asked why she said “sorry, I scream when I come”

The girl before her wanted me strong, fit and stout

When I said no to the gym, things just didn’t work out

Once saw a suicide bomber eat so much on the road

When asked for dessert he said “I’m ‘bout to explode”

Saw a one-legged hitchhiker, so sad and so thin

I stopped on the spot, said “come on man, hop in”

Then saw this girl’s chest that looked swelled with disease

Turns out she’d been stung by a nest of boo-bees

My sis said the number of bad jokes I tell: myriad

“Your PMS jokes are not funny, Matt: period.”

Way down in a foxhole, I wrote poems before sleep

If I say so myself, my war writing was deep

A misunderstanding got me fired, I’d called right at dawn

Asked my boss can I please come in late? He said “yeah Matt, dream on”

They say French fries are France, but this one press release

Said “actually the truth is they’re all cooked in Greece”

My childhood Priest had two jobs under control

Fixing shoes on the side, he heeled so many soles

Saw Peter Pan as a kid but could not understand

How he flew all the time and how he’d never land

But that wasn’t my only dilemma, I say

If I knew why Earth rotates, it would so make my day

Damn – I must go now, big brother’s listening, you see

Those jerks are beginning to really bug me!

Editing Sucks (but Marriage is Great)

I’m wedded to Words, yes I’m smitten with love

But like any such marriage, we fight

Sometimes it gets tense, and push comes to shove

As they shout, “Don’t give me your bullshit tonight!”

Of course that’s unfair, Words just don’t understand

Just like any ole husband or wife

Its worked to the bone, this here writing hand

Far too much for that “editing” life

Why can’t Words just listen, do what I say

And tidy things up on their own?

I’m only one man, and its been a long day

Must I do so much work all alone?

As carpal tunnel sets in, Words just lounge and relax

Can’t even say “Good job today, Matt”

Oh its cool Words, I got this, ya’ll just lay on your backs

Like I’m hitched to a fat fucking cat

Hell, I even invent those new friends that you like

“Words Night Out” exists ‘cause of ME

The least you could do is be more sportsmanlike

And help edit occasionally

I mean how hard can it be? Just shuffle your feet!

One step and that loose screw is tight

My spelling is solid, my grammar’s is neat

Its not like it’ll take you all night

But whatever I guess, I know they think I overbear

I truly feel marriage is great

I just get so worried they might have an affair

With that douchebag songwriter I hate

 

 

 

 

 

Corner Creeps

So here I am with headphones on
Observing dudes put on their con
A business mixer, seems to be
And HA! You must be kidding me
I wish you folks could join and sit
To watch how fucking full of shit
All these try-hards seem to me
Who sadly, I too used to be
Thank God for waking up that day
When my whole world was swept away
And though how painful those days were
At least now I’m not chasing HER
Who is “her”? I’m glad you asked
That blonde where all these dudes amassed
I must admit I’m cracking up
So many times they’ve filled her cup
And you know what? I guarantee
They think “she’s coming home with me”
So let me pause this poem for now
And wait till things have all played out
Yep! At last, they’ve disappeared
And boy, the shit you overhear
When corner creeping on these bros
Who want so bad to catch some hos
Anyway, I guess you guys
Would like to know who won the prize
Despite the drinks and “how much I curl”
I’m proud of our free drunken girl
Cause after all the things they did
She slammed the fuck out of the lid
On each and every single try
And let down each and every guy
“No brainer”, right? “Damn girl, you fine”
And yes, one douche had dropped that line
So here we are, we’ve reached the end
I want so bad to say, “my friends”
“If I may, let me correct”
“And teach you fucking dicks respect”
But I digress; again, I know
That I was them not long ago
Perhaps this story sheds some light
On one or two good guys tonight
And helps them realize how they look
SHIT! …one of them saw me.
“Who, me? Naw bro, I’m just working on my book.”

The Creep

It puts the lotion on its skin

Or else it gets the hose again

“What a minute, why’d you stop?”

“My hairs so matted, it’s a mop!”

“Turn the water on again”

“I’m not done bathing, creepy friend”

Hold on, what? I thought that I –

“Shut up, dude! It’s time to dry”

“Now turn the water spigot off”

“So I don’t drown or start to cough”

But I’m a killer, aren’t you scared?

“Bro, I think you are impaired”

“The only thing you need to do”

“Is fix your fucking dad issue”

“I get it, sure, that you weren’t loved”

“But hands are better when they’re ungloved”

“Don’t hide the shit that you’ve been through”

“I know your pain, I’ve felt it too”

“Don’t take your anger out on us”

“Because some jerk destroyed your trust”

“How bout you look inside instead?”

“And realize that we all have bled”

Well this is awkward; that makes sense

So tell me how to recompense

“Come here then, I’ll show you how”

“This hatred you must disavow”

Okay then, I guess I’ll quit

Wait, I won’t fall for this dumb shit

Shut up please; now where was I?

Oh yeah thats right: time to die

This is Ass Whip Hop

Spare a moment of your time and talk to me objectively

This elephant must be addressed, its been standing there rejecting me

The topic of discussion was created here specifically

You guessed it: rap culture; let’s review it scientifically

 

I needn’t say for we all know that music molds and shapes our mind

So first let’s talk about how rap is so…refined

After all, doesn’t everyone like money, cars, and clothes?

And let us not forget what’s most important: hoes

 

Just hear me out before I twist your panties in a wad

I admit that not all rap is like the oppo word of God

But let’s be real and speak in generalities

So let’s please cut the shit and drop the useless, dumb formalities

 

In fact hold on I’ll tell you what, let’s try something on the run

Let’s take a shot at mimicking the rap game, don’t that sound fun?

Ahem. Give me a moment to prepare my new mentality

After all I’m new to this, I must change my personality

 

That’s right you bitches listen up, this white boy rap’s begun

These tasty bars will burn so hot, like wagyu steak that’s overdone

All this coming off the top, the lid is popping off

So much fire on this page you’d think I threw a Molotov

 

This is not hip hop, this is ass whip hop

Let’s switch the rhymes up on this text

Take a breath, collect yourselves

You’ll need the air for what’s up next

 

Hold up Matt the fuck is this? I think the flow just changed somehow

That’s right ma-fucka I switched it up this game is run by rhythm now

I hope you laced the Jordans on cause the pace is picking up ya’ll

I’ll tell you what just numb your lungs, here take this alcohol

Don’t be shy bitch take it all, open the throat wait that’s what she said

Aw come on now you know I’m playin, or maybe not cause that’s good head

There we are don’t that feel nice? These fifths can always heal the pain

I hope you brought your parka too, the forecast says its bout to rain

 

Actually fuck it I think this rap is done

I think we had a solid quarter Asian run

Oh, before I forget just one last thing:

No hoes we’re harmed in this production

They’ve been chillin’ in my bed…for accidental reproduction

 

 

 

 

 

 

America Then Vs. America Now

Lemme take you to an age before the days of Netflix

A time before you and I, when people made their own bricks

That’s right you pussy boys and girls – “Hold on a sec what year is this?”

One fucking seven, mother fucking seven six

That was the year that we stood and said, E-NUFF

“Take your shit back to Brit, this weak ass tea and other stuff”

“Hold on hat, you don’t like that? Go on get out your handcuff”

“I’m sick of all your taxes rather jump off Martha Vineyards bluff”

Waaaaait boyz, come on give me a break

The world’s been sleeping soundly now it’s fine’ly bout to be awake

Haven’t you heard? Healthcare should be a human right

Or could I be wrong? If so I don’t know why we fight

We’re changing the world, we stand here holding up our fists

All of you girls, get up and shame misogynists

We don’t like a President who judges people by their skin

Thank the God that we don’t think is real that none of us are Indian

Hooooold up, this isn’t what we fought for

We’re so ashamed at what became we’re rising out of Rushmore

It’s obvious that all you dweebs are needing this here crash course

So thank God you’re talking to the fucking eagle-blooded source

This. Isn’t. What. We. Had. In. Mind.

All. You. Do. Is. Bitch. And. Whine.

Man the fuck up, grow some balls and make this country free again

Turn off your TVs and fucking re-learn how to reason, men

Um, excuse me please, but you just sound like a big jerk

America today is different, watch us dance and watch us twerk

So get used to this new way of the world and new reality

How dare you scoff at human rights and my gender mentality

Meanwhile, overseas…

HA! Look! We’ve got them right where we want

They’re so accused of being used they can’t tell New York from Vermont!

Now it’s time to move while they have this dumb discussion

We shall crush them all with haste and make these morons Russian!

Muahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

Pussies.

The Worst Tinder Date Ever

Come here close, come here, see?

“Are these the things you said I need?”

“Wait a second, what is this?”

My trick worked, now you do belong to me

Come on down, don’t be shy

“I think that we should let it be”

Just you wait, you won’t regret

“You’re really starting to scare me”

You worry wart, this room is safe

“Are you just playing hard to get?”

Ask yourself, would I do that?

“I’m not sure sir cause we just met”

Here we are, just take a look!

“This place seems like its cool I guess”

You’re oh so right, now have a seat

“I see the checkerboard and chess”

There there now, let’s have a peek

“A peek at what, you silly man?”

A look at at all the options, see?

Because you’ve walked into my plan

“Wait a minute, what’d you say?”

Don’t fret now darling, just relax

Get yourself a comfy seat

And sit there till I sharp my ax

“Haha man, very funny,

Quit the acting, come here now”

You think I’m acting? Oh my dear

It’s not a joke, I’ll show you how

There we are, buckled in

“The hell is this you’re being weird?”

That’s okay, for very soon

I’ll show you what you all have feared

I think I’ll start with toenails, yes?

Shucking them like oyster shells

Soon you’ll realize who I am

And wish you were in seven hells

But wait right there and say a prayer

You aren’t going to see the light

And when I’m done and had my fun

You’ll wish you hadn’t swiped me right

Da Boyds

There lives a small famiwee, I call them da Boyds

They are so pwetty and so vewy cute

I love to watch them frolick and pway

Everwy day on my morning commute

They live in a howse made out of straw

It seems the parwents never do rest

All of the time da Boyds fwy through the sky

Looking for woyms for the chicks in their nest

We Done Lost Our Minds

Okay ya’ll.

I haven’t written an actual blog post for a looooong time. I’ve pretty much used my site for poetry, short stories, etc. But today…oh boy. Not today.

Many of you are probably familiar with the dating app, Bumble. If you aren’t, here’s a quick crash course: Tinder, but yellow. Just kidding; basically Bumble is another one of the “swipe right to match, left to pass” apps that lets folks create profiles and easily scroll through up to six photos without having to read one sentence about the actual individual they’re judging. I do it, you probably do it, like 70% of everyone does it. We enjoy meeting people. Sue us.

Anyway, users of these apps are also familiar with the occasional advertisement that flitters by, briefly interrupting their swipetime. Today, something happened that I NEVER would have expected to see in the middle of my Bumblebee-tuna.

I was bombarded by political Leftism.

Yes. A liberal slap in the face right smack in the middle of a dating app.

IMG_4677

That’s right. Bumble is banning guns. #SJW

 

I suppose you’re wondering how on Earth these two things, dating and gun control, could possibly be related. Well, luckily they tell us. Apparently, if you’re seen shooting a gun in your photos, you’re a dangerous swipelicant. That is to say, the (most-likely red-blooded eagle-scouted) applicant you see in front of you poses danger should you take the risk and swipe right.

IMG_4679

Yes, report them so we know who to ship off to Antarctica when tempered reason finally sweeps the nation once more.

 

And before the super justice warriors berate me for being insensitive, let me nip it in the bud and say this: if you’re offended by my light hearted poke in the ribs here…please get a life. I say that genuinely. Because I’m laughing at this, and so should you.

Anyway, I don’t think I need to say much else to illustrate how absurd this is. So instead, I’ll just say go to Amazon and buy my book, Continuity. Type in Matt Shao in the search bar, because I’m not important enough yet to pop up when you just search the title. Its a fun read, and book 2 comes out soon. We blast into space and things.

Cause, you know, with stuff like this going on…I think its about that time.

IMG_4678

IMG_4680

IMG_4681

IMG_4684.PNG

Doubt

Some folks believe me

Yet others still doubt

It’s funny to me, really

When I say what I’m about

I’m climbing this here ladder

Right in front of their blind eye

Yet they still keep on hatin’

As if the fucks I give could fly

So let me put this plainly

These words, do not mince

We’re righting world wrongs

We’re not trying to convince

We’re not trying anything

“Try” means we could fail

Sorry, that ain’t an option

This ships already set sail

So be on board, or don’t

That choice ain’t up to me

I’ll just keep on writing

Making minds more bold and free

And when this ladders finally scaled

When at last we’ve reached the top

I hope you brought your sailor shoes

Cause this ship ain’t ever gonna stop

This is Cozy

Let’s take a moment and talk about the real deets

Some of y’all are prolly thinking when’s he finally gonna peace

Well I hate to say this but I’m actually kinda comfy here

It’s really fun, it’s helped me write, and I’ve shed a couple tears

The people here are just that, they’re the real deal

Not a mask, not a hat, I never get a fake feel

So I hope we can get along without getting jealous

Cause you know that’s natural, guys were just competitive

That’s all. Just in case anyone’s annoyed. It’s the natural way of things. I still luh you.

My Life

Monday, Friday

Every day through the week

Working, writing

Never hanging with the weak

Paying, my dues

Those that came before me

Same grind, same time

Time off? Please that bores me

No sir, no ma’am

Sure, I talk politely

At night? All night

Writing, it consumes me

Let’s take a break

A break from what, Matt?

That rhythm there

Oh, you don’t like that?

Okay, no way

See what I did there?

Symmetry, those beats

Flip it over still the same thing

Hold up, last verse?

No the one before, damn

Oh shit, that’s right

What’s this poem about, man?

Who knows, I don’t

All I know is writing it

Has been, no joke

Fun as hell and now it’s ten

Sure is, turn in?

Bitch you must be playin

No chance, next glass

Man Baxter is sleeping

So what? Wake up

All these tasks on my hand

Right now? Yes now

His ass can sleep at work, man

True that, no doubt

That dogs my dog, see

No joke, I know

Little guys my world, B

Okay!

Lets hold up

Time to pause for a cause

So I can fill my cup

Okay!

For real this time

Tomorrow imma read

Laugh my ass, this rhyme

Okay!

Time for bed, for real.

Cmon Mr Baxter. Seriously. Come on.

Unsung Heroes: Our Black Brothers & Sisters

In the midst of another era of racial and socioeconomic tension, America finds itself yet again divided. Its still to be decided as to how things will play out, but if one thing is for certain, its this: things must change. Folks are going to have to start getting along, or these violent riots and protests are going to rip our nation apart.

There is something lingering, however, that I think needs to be addressed. In my discussions with people on all sides of these issues, I’ve noticed that there is a certain degree of doubt as to how much our society and culture has truly benefited from the contributions of black Americans (and other minorities). While most people I speak to don’t come from the standpoint of looking down on minorities, many do seem to neglect certain contributions they have made, whether intentionally or not.

In light of this, I have decided to put together a list of some great people of color who, throughout our history, have impacted us all in a positive way. Some you may not have heard of, and some you may know quite dearly. The point is to illustrate how important we ALL are in our human quest to create a loving, inclusive society. There is no shortage of white characters who have received recognition, we all know that. So hopefully, by highlighting some of the others, the folks who still seem to foster the “white supremacy” opinion will take a harder look at the reality of this world we share. We’re all trying, people. Love each other – it shouldn’t be that hard, right?

GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER

George_Washington_Carver_600x

Many people don’t know this, but GWC, a freed slave turned brilliant scientist, was a monumental influence on Vice President Henry Wallace. Wallace, a farmer from Iowa, used GWC’s ideas to enormously boost corn production during World War II, filling increasing needs of our exploding economy.

BASS REEVES

BassReeves

Bass was the first black US deputy Marshall West of the Mississippi. He basically destroyed outlaws and was an overall bad-ass, for want of a better term. He caught all the bad guys, and even killed 14 people in self defense. Keepin’ all them white folk safe!

BUFFALO SOLDIERS

bs_gallery_10

The Buffalo Soldiers was a term used for many regiments of black American soldiers who fought in many wars, originating in the 10th Cavalry Regiment of the US Army in 1866. The term came from Native Americans, who thought their hair resembled that of Buffalo hair. They contributed to many great American victories, and served valiantly for their country. The term was used loosely by some to describe all black soldiers, but the history here is important to know. Many of our victories would never have been possible without the brave efforts of what many referred to as the “Negros Cavalry”.

TUSKEGEE AIRMEN

hith-tuskegee-airmen-E.jpeg

Many have probably heard of these fellas, as there is now a big Hollywood movie about them. These guys were the first African American Air Unit in WWII, and went on many selfless missions to fight the good fight. Lot of great sub stories in these guys ranks, too. Check em out!

JOHN ALBERT BURR

9a94def3-f644-4f30-b050-9dbdbc40510a.jpg

Anyone know a guy who owns a landscaping company? I sure do. Lots. And they can all thank Mr. John Albert Burr for pretty much inventing modern lawn mowing and paving the way for profits! That’s right, you’re looking at the man who invented the rotary lawn mowing blade – U.S. patent #624,749.

PERCY JULIAN

percy_julian_promojpg.jpg

Percy Julian was one of the most important scientists of the 20th century, making great discoveries in the fields of healthcare, with a focus on synthetic compounds. His work far exceeds my intellectual prowess, but folks should know that many of the compounds we enjoy today in the field of medicine were made possible by him.

ELIJAH MCCOY

elijahmccoy6.jpg

Elijah McCoy was an inventor. A thinker. An innovator. Throughout his life, he made trains more efficient,  improved oil rigs, and even honed steam engines. He was a brilliant man, capable of some of the most efficient thought from an engineering perspective. He even invented a movable ironing board to help make ironing-on-the-go easier. You’re welcome, ladies.

LEWIS LATIMER

lewis-howard-latimer-9374422-1-402

Lewis Latimer was paramount in further perfecting the light bulb. He led efforts installing electric plants in cities such as Philadelphia and Montreal. Without him, the incandescent bulb might not be what it is today. Thanks Lewis!

ROSA PARKS

rosa-parks-9433715-1-402

Rosa needs no introduction. The only thing I want to say here is that I bet she made the best neighbor EVER. You know, the one who’s always making sure the kids are behaving and aren’t doing anything stupid? Making sure they all got their homework done and came in before dinner time. I imagine that’s how Rosa was. A sweet, nice, lady who stood up (or in this case sat down) for what’s right. We need more of her.

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Now, I could go on and on and on and on with this, but this is the point, in case anyone’s missed it. All of these people did things for the greater good, not for one side or the other. They never berated other people, they just uplifted folks. That’s the direction we need to be moving, everyone. Forward. Up. Not backwards, or down.

A good question to ask yourself if you’re considering making a move in this game of life: what direction will this push people in?

My Dog is Famous

Oooookay!

Where do I even begin? I suppose a little background context is a good place to start.

So my dog, Mr Baxter, has a nasty habit of chewing his leashes. He’s pretty much the perfect pup outside of that one annoying, economically burdening trait. Most of my brainstorming for writing is done with a beer, on a dog friendly restaurant patio somewhere – so naturally he has ample opportunity to inconspicuously gnaw his way to freedom while I’m immersed in my journals and outlines. So every time he successfully liberates himself, I’m forced to buy a new leash. I’d get a metal one, but toting one of those around gets annoying and clinky.

Anyway, so the other day I left my office to grab lunch and run into PetSmart to return his latest leash. Obviously I couldn’t take him in because he wouldn’t have a leash on the way in. So I left him in the car. By the way, it was 64 degrees outside and I was only going to be gone for like two minutes. In and out.

Well as I return to my car, I’m confronted by a lovely social justice warrior taking photos of my beloved Mr Baxter in my car. So I’m like “um, what are you doing?” 

The girl then proceeds to berate me and tell me how abusive I am to my dog, and that I was lucky she didn’t bust my windows out and next time she would. So I tried my best to explain how my dog is literally like a son to me (he’s all I have), and that he probably gets better treatment than most humans. She wanted nothing to do with that. Instead, she informed me of how illegal it was for me to leave him. A comment to which I responded “well if what I just did is illegal, then that’s a stupid law.” And I may have told her she was the problem with America, but whatever. 

Anyway, I go back to work and mention my recent encounter on Facebook to get a laugh. Then, in my post thread, someone tagged a photo of my hometowns FB page where she had posted a pic of my car, license plate, and peacefully slumbering dog – telling the whole world I was a monster basically. 

Naturally, as these things always do, there was a huge outcry of differing opinions. Most were pretty reasonable thank god, stating that he looked fine. So I then commented her public post myself and explained what had happened. 

That’s when the business went down.

Suddenly an enormous surge of awesome, logical folks came to my defense. It was amazing, and I’m still speechless at how good it felt to have so many kind hearted people to have my back. 

The post has since been deleted. But now, at the behest of some of these community members, we are going to host a #vivamrbaxter event where people can bring their dogs, have fun, and get educated on the legal standpoint of this type of thing. Like when you can and cannot be a hero.

Point is, now the community has turned what could have been an overly dramatic fight into something that will raise money for animals, and everyone wins.

That, if I may say so myself, is how the world should work. 

I freaking love my city.

Family Ties

It’s times such as these

When you want to say please

What more can I do?

What else will appease?

All you want is a pat

Maybe “Hey, way to go”

Or “I’m proud of you, son”

“It’s hard work, that I know”

But none of it fits

Beyond all my wits

I can’t do what is right 

Im up thinking at night

I just don’t understand

I just don’t comprehend

I just want to be proud 

I just want to fit in

The people I’ve met

Who never I’ve seen

They’re beautiful, dancing

All over round me

My family ties

And this, I detest

They’re toxic to me

Will be, till I rest 

Why is it so hard?

Why can’t you support?

I’ve written alone

My mind is my fort

For blood isn’t born

Its gained and it’s yearned 

And true family ties 

Cut deepest, when earned

For Better or Worse

Chapter 1

They’re so cute!”

Looking into a giant glass terrarium at her small colony of pets within, a little girl tugs on her father’s sleeve to get his attention.

“I know, dear. They’re very cute. Now get tucked in, it’s getting past your bedtime,” the father says.

“But Daddy!” The little girl begs, peering back at the many small creatures inside. “Can’t I watch them play just a little bit longer? Look! Aw, look Daddy! Those two are loving each other!”

“Come on now, little girl. You’ve stayed up late enough. Time for bed.” He says, lifting his daughter up as he hoists her into her sleeping space.

“Okay, okay.” The girl sighs, watching her father place the wide veil over the terrarium to cover it. “See you guys tomorrow!” She shouts gleefully at her tiny creatures.

Kissing her on the snout, the father tucks the little girl in and turns off the light.

“Good night, little munchkin. I love you.” He says, closing the door until it’s just slightly cracked.

“I love you too Daddy.” The girl replies. Waiting until her father is gone, she lifts her head and peers at the glass dome.

“I love you guys too,” she whispers, closing her eyes before slowly drifting asleep.

Chapter 2

“Rise and shine, everyone!”

Quickly pulling away the large veil covering the girl’s terrarium, she excitedly greets the occupants inside.

“I bet you guys are hungry, aren’t you?” She asks matter-of-factly. Walking to the small closet in the corner of her room, she grabs a packet of food and a pale of water.

“And it looks like your lake is almost all dried up! You guys must be thirsty!” The girl exclaims, ripping open the food packet as she pulls back the small square door at the top the glass dome.

Holding the packet over the center of the little community of creatures, the girl shakes it until all the tiny morsels of food have fallen out. Watching her pets scramble toward the newly dropped food, she smiles as she pours water into the side of the dome where a pond-like crevice has been dug.

“Drink up, teenie weenies!” She cheerfully says, closing the lid.

As she places the water pale back in the closet, she notices that one of the tiny creatures is laying underneath a group of mini tree-like plants, not moving.

“Oh no!” She cries. “Not again!”

Placing her hands on the glass to lean over the dome, she looks down at the recently deceased pet.

“I told you all to stop fighting!” She tersely shouts. “Why can’t you just get along?”

Returning to the closet, the girl reaches in and grabs a long, skinny pole with a tong on the end. Re-opening the glass lid, she nabs the dead creature and chucks it outside her open window onto the lawn below.

“If I find out which one of you keeps doing this, you’re gonna be in big trouble!” She asserts, holding the tong up. “Now ya’ll behave while I’m gone!”

Closing the lid once more, she puts the tong back in the closet, exiting the room to spend the day outside.

Chapter 3

“Aw, yay!”

The day after disposing the dead creature, the little girl is pleasantly surprised to see that two of her pets have had a baby. Standing over the dome with a wide grin on her face, she looks down at the two tiny creatures nurturing their teenie, fragile newborn.

“Good job, you two! I hope the others take after the example you’ve set.” The girl coos, giggling as she watches the little family huddled together in the corner of the glass enclosure.

“Oh! But wait!” She says, remembering the chapter in her booklet that teaches how to properly take care of the creatures.

Sliding the lid open, the girl reaches down and grabs the newborn pet, pulling it up out of the dome. As she does so, the parents become visibly distraught, running to the edge of the glass as they watch the little girl carry the baby across the room.

“It’s okay!” She shouts back at them with a smile, seeing their distress. “I’m just making sure she’ll grow up nice and strong!” She adds, placing the small newborn in a separate, much smaller container.

Obviously not comprehending the reassurances of the girl, the baby creature’s parents remain at the edge of the glass for the remainder of the day, helplessly peering across the room at their new offspring, wishing they could be together.

Chapter 4

“All better!”

Pulling her arm from out of the tank, the little girl slides the lid back on her glass habitat after setting down the little newborn she’d taken out the night before.

“Those nutrients will make you a super pet!” She shouts, watching the parents finally reconnect with their baby.

“Anyway,” the girl says, sounding bored, “What are the rest of you guys up to?”

Stepping over a few feet to observe the little colony of creatures, she scratches her head.

“Why do you all keep doing that?!” The girl cries. “Stop splitting up!”

Since she first got them, the creatures have shown a tendency to huddle together in small groups. Some are lighter colored, and some are darker, and they seem to prefer grouping with those they resemble.

“You guys are sooooo weird,” the girl says to them. “You know you’re all the same little things, right?”

Looking back to a bookshelf against the wall, the girl grabs the instruction booklet that came with her pets’ terrarium. Opening it up, she turns to the pages that cover their interactions with one another.

“The creatures will have a tendency to keep close proximity with ones that look most like them.” She reads. “Do not worry if they display this behavior, as it is expected of them.”

Taking a moment to look at the tank again, the little girl shuts the booklet.

“Huh! Well I guess it’s normal after all, weirdos! But just so you guys know, I think that’s pretty dumb. You’re all made of the same stuff.” She says, sliding the booklet back in its spot on the shelf. “Anyway, its sleepy time! Good night little ones.”

Flicking off the light, the girl throws the wide veil over the dome and crawls into bed.

Chapter 5

“Hidey hidey hoooo!!”

Happily skipping over to the habitat on her table,  the little girl in the bedroom is gleaming over the new cut she’s gotten for her fur.

“Do you like my new bangs, teenie weenies?” She excitedly asks her pets. “I know you can’t understand me, but I bet you do! They’re very pretty. Just like you guys!”

Looking to a small group of less-than-healthy-looking creatures coddled in the far rear of the dome, she grimaces.

“Well, like most of you guys, at least.” She says, rolling her head to the side as she snootily brushes her hair back. “Anyway, you’re gonna love the new toy Daddy got for you all!”

Opening the tank, the girl lifts a box and pulls out a large digital screen which depicts moving images of other small creatures that look just like her pets. The creatures displayed appear to be acting out their own little lives, similar to the ones in the terrarium. Finding a cozy spot to set it in the terrarium, she places the big screen down as the tiny inhabitants flock over in front of it, seemingly enamored as they watch the images.

“I knew you’d like it!” The girl excitedly coos, closing the lid. “No idea why, though. After all, those fake teeny weenies aren’t doing anything that you aren’t already doing yourselves! Why don’t you just watch each other, sillies?”

Happily scooting back to observe the new environment she’s created, the little girl spends the rest of her evening quietly watching them enjoy their new square of moving images.

Chapter 6

Caution: Creatures may occasionally engage in physical conflict. It is important for the owner of the habitat to pay close attention to how your terrarium’s occupants are grouped. Indicators of impending conflict may include, but are not limited to:

  • Two large groups of inhabitants facing one another in close proximity. Usually preceded by audible squealing of the creatures as a collective.
  •  Aggressive body language, abrupt movement, and loud vocal exchanges (when occurring simultaneously). Individually these behaviors do not necessarily indicate physical conflict. 

**Important**

If your terrarium’s inhabitants group together in close proximity while carrying small, board-like signposts or other tools, separate them immediately. It is recommended you allow two to four hours before removing them from isolation to reintegrate with their fellow inhabitants. This will allow their aggressive emotions to subside, creating a more peaceful environment for your pets! 

———————————————————————————————————————————–

Closing the handbook, the little girl sets her Creature Care Taking Manual back on the bookshelf by her bed after reading it.

“Silly teenie-weenies!” She says, laughing as she turns to look at them from her bed. “See? There’s no need for you guys to fight! It says right here you’ll calm down if you yourselves a little time to blow off the steam.”

Getting up to walk over to the dome, she opens it and removes the partition she’d placed down three hours ago to separate two groups of visibly angry little creatures.

“You guys are so cute.” She says as she watches the two groups slowly make their way toward one another, eventually creating one seamless, teenie-weenie unit.

“Good job! I’m proud of you fellas.” She says.

Shutting the lid, she turns around and leaps into bed, wriggling around until she’s created a little dimple in her wide mattress. Hearing the commotion, her father enters the room to kiss her good night.

“Hello, little one. How was your day?” He asks he as he blows her candle out with his long snout.

“It was good, Daddy! I made my little guys get along.” She says cheerfully, obviously proud of herself for mitigating the conflict. “They we’re fighting over something stupid.”

Laughing and smooching her forehead, the father brushes her hair back before walking to the door.

“Good girl. I’m glad to hear that you’re a peaceful overlord.” He says with a chuckle and a wink.

“I love you Daddy!” The little girl says, shutting her eyes.

“I love you too, sweetie.” Her father whispers with a smile, gently closing the door.

Chapter 7

“Ho hum ho hum deedeedee!”

Joyfully skipping around her bedroom, the little girl is singing and humming to herself as her furry pigtails bounce around behind her.

“Now, what are my teenie-weenies up to today?” She asks, skipping over to the terrarium.

As she peers inside, she sees that her little creatures have erected an enormous statue of her. Chiseled to perfection, the monolith displays her every feature, dimpled smile and all.

“Wow! Well look at that!” She squeals in delight. “How did you guys do that without me noticing?!”

Leaning back to admire the sculpture, she beams at the tiny inhabitants inside, who appear to be bowing before her.

“You guys are just so adorable. Thank you for my statue!” She says to them.

Entering her room, the girl’s father approaches the tank as he puts his hand on her head.

“Time for bed, sweetie.”

Noticing the statue, he chuckles.

“And what have we here?” He asks.

“My teenie-weenies built me a monument, Daddy! Look!” The little girl says, pointing to the newly erected obelisk.

“Very impressive!” Her father laughs. “You are clearly a generous God. Now come, let’s get you tucked in.”

“Okay Daddy.” The girl says as her father lifts her up, placing her under the sheets. Kissing her on the forehead, smiles at her before walking out the door.

“I love you, kiddo.” He says.

“Love you too Daddy.” The girl replies, yawning as she softly falls asleep.

Chapter 8

IMPORTANTHUMAN BEINGS ARE VOLATILE, DANGEROUS, AND EMOTIONALLY UNPREDICTABLE 

***Handle with utmost caution. Do not allow these creatures outside of the included habitat***

Setting her instruction booklet aside, the little girl takes one final look at her “teenie-weenies”, before clearing the tank to make room for her next batch of creatures.

“Sorry little guys!! I know you’ve been having the time of your lives in there, but I’ve got some new teenie-weenies on the way!! Daddy says they are even more exciting than you guys! Much smarter and more fun to play with. I’m sooooooo sorry!!!!!!”

Grasping the enclosure with her trunk, the little girl dumps the entire habitat of human beings into the drain inside her bathroom, flushing them down into the abyss below.

“Have fun down there!!” She shouts, smiling as the very last human swirls around in a vortex of death.

“All clean Daddy!” The girl shouts, waiting for her father to bring in her new pets. “These humans were fun.”

 

The Writers Marquee

The gloves are off! 

It’s heating up

And when you think

They’ve said enough

They bounce right back 

To add a punch

A right, a left

This scribbling bunch

Some shout, some SCREAM!

Yet others wait

Through subtle pokes 

Their points, they bait

Until they land 

That final blow

When socks blow off

And minds explode

Come one, come all!

Beyond marquee

Where writers fight

And chicks drink free

For Better or Worse (Ch 8)

IMPORTANT: HUMAN BEINGS ARE VOLATILE, DANGEROUS, AND EMOTIONALLY UNPREDICTABLE 

***Handle with utmost caution. Do not allow these creatures outside of the included habitat***

Setting her instruction booklet aside, the little girl takes one final look at her “teenie-weenies”, before clearing the tank to make room for her next batch of creatures.

“Sorry little guys!! I know you’ve been having the time of your lives in there, but I’ve got some new teenie-weenies on the way!! Daddy says they are even more exciting than you guys! Much smarter and more fun to play with. I’m sooooooo sorry!!!!!!”

Grasping the enclosure with her trunk, the little girl dumps the entire habitat of human beings into the drain inside her bathroom, flushing them down into the abyss below. 

“Have fun down there!!” She shouts, smiling as the very last human swirls around in a vortex of death. 

“All clean Daddy!” The girl shouts, waiting for her father to bring in her new pets. “These humans were fun.”

The Writers Group

There exists a place 

In fabled lore

Where writers race

Both rich and poor 

Some ask for tips

Some say hello

With wine-filled sips

True colors show

Some fight a lot

They bitch and moan

More oft’ than not

They’re sad, alone

And in this land

The fun, I sing

Is throwing sand

And arguing 

Much joy, though sin

The jerks, to mock

And when you win

They always block

That’s when you know

Their points are poop 

Come, join the show

This Writers Group