Baxident

I told him to sit down and wait, so I could get my shoestrings tied

I told him it would be one moment until I let him outside

As I look back what does he do? Decides to be a bad, bad dog

I know I raised no lumberjack, but still he drops a big ‘ole log

What part of “wait I’ll be right there” did your dog brain not understand?

Do you really think I want to pick this piece of poop up with my hand?

It isn’t funny, it’s really not, the warmth felt through the paper towel

It should be you that cleans this poo but you sit just there, bark and howl

Don’t look at me like you don’t know exactly what mistake you made

I swear if you were in dog school you wouldn’t pass damn dog first grade

So listen up you bratty pup, if you still want the snacks I sent

You better clean your act right up, and make this your last accident

The Lannister

Hello dear you love me yes, I hear your heart, it’s thirst

Come close to me but let me see, some things I must say first

This is that which I would think I prob’ly need to mention

You’ll see my pen is out of ink but I still draw attention

A lion isn’t lonely long, it can’t help but call the crowd

I hope you don’t mind noises, ma’am, because these halls will grow quite loud

All these women, all these men, they flock when banners seen

And if you’re kind then you might find that my reaction’s mean

For when you’re me you just can’t seem to find a quiet place

Sometimes I wish that I could disappear without a trace

I’d love to take you to a time when surname mattered naught

Yet sadly I surmise to say that such a time, ’tis not

So if you’re sure and you are pure, I welcome you to this

For there are toys that we enjoy and ma’am…you are my sis’

A Waste of Time

A Waste of Time

How often do we fall for things that people say and do?

How often do we wonder if the things they say are true?

And when there’s doubt we call them out when stories don’t connect

I wish I had a dollar for each lie that we collect

What makes us do it? Is it fear?

I fear that I don’t know

But to be real I sort of feel

Like life is just a show

So many actors, all their staff

Just dancing on a stage

And sadly I’d say that I’d laugh

If not for this here page

Pen and pad have saved my life

They’re my only true escape

Avoiding this sharp cutting knife

That’s carves life’s packaged shape

Every night I pray to He

Who I don’t even know

For his hand to help me stand

On nights when I feel low

It’s hard, sometimes, when life’s cold rhymes

Rip out your true heart

I’d give anything, if I could bring

A better, fairer start

Dog Tornado

Are those pillows to your liking?

Since you’ve spread them everywhere?

Are you packing to go hiking?

You sure took time arranging, there

I do not get it, little dude

Why must you make a mess?

To be frank, it’s kinda rude

Can you not just chill and rest?

All the blankets, all the throws

In the wash machine

It’s like you think nobody knows

That someone here must clean

Listen, bro, and yes I know

You like to fluff and puff

No more of this dog tornado

Because I’ve had enough

Dog Breath

What do you do when you’re faced with a curse?

A fate that is worse than your death?

A thing that can just be described as the worst

A thing that is Baxter’s dog breath?

I usually let him jump onto my lap

It’s not a big deal, normally

But when I wake up after taking a nap

He tends to come walk over me

He’ll stand on my chest and look into my eye

As if to say “time to get up”

And then he will yawn and make me want to die

As I gag and say “close your mouth, pup”

It’s really not funny, because when he yawns

It’s like he’s exhaling his guts

His breath smells like what he ate from dusk to dawn

And what’s more, he’ll stand on my nuts

So I must say, as I lie here today

Typing and scribbling words

Buy a dog bed, so when you hit the hay

You’ll wake up, and only hear birds

The Good Die Young

A man enters a lonely room, we’ll call him Mr. Bad

Another joins the other, Mr. Goodman, his comrade

They act and play and do the things that all the people do

And every time that Goodman wins folks’ love, Bad smiles too

“Sure it’s great, I do not hate, for Goodman is the best!”

But on the inside, Mr. Bad is beating on his chest

He writhes around until he’s found someone who hates Good too

And plots with them behind the scenes ‘cause that’s what people do

“Come here my dear, now tell me clear, why is it Good you hate?”

Bad asks the girl he found when he pretends they’re on a date

“He’s about him, he’s arrogant, it rubs me the wrong way!”

The words this little lady said what bothered her that day

“I know!” Said Bad, “The facts are had!

To tell you the whole truth

I hate him too, here’s what we’ll do,

we’ll end it in the booth”

And so it went, although Good meant, to only lend a hand

He died that day, I’m sad to say, on this election stand

And so it goes, as we all know, that’s how these things play out

When jealousy, toxicity, takes hold and causes doubt

So if I may, let me please say, if you’re a Mr. Bad

Take my advice: change your life, or you will wish you had.

Sleepster

If you were to ask “What’s he good at now, Matt?”

I would tell you that there is one thing

If you were to ask “Does it make him look fat?”

I would say “Really? Just look at the thing.”

For of all of the things we can do in this world

He basically cares about one

Which is to lie down in a ball as he’s curled

While scoffing when I ask to run

He truly cares not, nothing matters to him

Except for a treat and a nap

If I ask if he’d like to go lift in the gym

He’d say “no, I’ll just sleep on your lap”

“I sleep over here, I sleep over there”

“Must I be forced to pick only one?

“I think that instead, since I’m a dog that is fair”

“I’ll sleep on them all, but you can go run”

Okay, Dog

Okay, dog, I love you bro

But there are some things you must know

So please don’t take this the wrong way

They’re just some things I have to say

Please stop yawning in my face

Your breath is worse than cans of mace

It’s so bad that I bet somehow

One day you’ll singe off my eyebrow

Also, stop walking at night

Across my laptop when I write

You broke the mouse pad already

And squished down half the number keys

Oh, and when I’m deep in sleep

Stop staring at me like a creep

It’s so weird when I wake to see

Your glare as you breathe heavily

And one more thing, last saved for best

Stop standing on my freaking chest

I get it, you want to wake me up

But don’t forget who’s boss here, pup

Distressed Damsels Need No Knights

A lovey dame was so offended

At this ball I just attended

Because her partner had extended

A most presumptuous invite

Apart for almost that whole party

She was angry he’d been tardy

When leaving I had laughed so hard, she

Made a fool of him tonight

He ignored his lateness, tried to play nice

She didn’t buy it, only danced twice

But champagne causes men to roll dice

That should never see the light

He shouted as he hailed a carriage

“You’re all invited to our marriage!”

As we all watched that dame disparage

And slap with all her might

She must have fought before, had training

For when his balance was regaining

She gave us the most entertaining

Show: a one round fight

It lasted less than one full second

Likely killed him, we all reckoned

With one right hook, as recommended

She sent him on his final flight

Applause erupted, I was beguiled

For then she looked at me and smiled

Now here I lay, our clothes all piled

My new damsel’s more a Knight

The One: First Entry

Can we be honest with ourselves for a moment? I want to talk about some things. Things like Facebook. Twitter. Instagram, perhaps. Hell, even Tinder…anything that lets people advertise who they are (or at least who they want to be) without having to concern themselves with the real world.

Yeah, I know.

It’s not easy to examine one’s self. We’d all much rather be judging someone else. But right now, let’s do the hard thing and focus the lens introspectively.

Sure, it’s easy to look on at the spinning wheel that is social media, watching as the people we know and grew up with move on with their lives. Comparison is the theif of joy, ain’t it? That’s what they say, at least.

It’s funny though because everyone’s aware, whether consciously or subconsciously, that social media is just a highlight reel. If only we knew who we all are after each one of those many layers of social graces and obligatory formalities got peeled back. The real, you know? Because as much as we market how cool our lives are, at the end of the day…it’s validation that we really want.

Most of us, that is. And you know what? That’s perfectly normal. Not at all a thing to be ashamed of.

After all, most of us just want someone who knows us. Who understands us. Who IS us. We want to enjoy life with a person who gets, more so than anyone, who we truly are. And I’m not talking about the person at three o’clock, bringing in coffee with the same fake grin we all wear knowing we’re just waiting for the hour hand to get knocked ahead a couple notches. I’m talking about the person we are when the day’s facade is over, the candles go out, and the door closes. That person you see when the ambient light from the TV flicks on as it highlights the it-was-a-long-day-fucked-up-hair and feetie pajamas silhouette. That’s the person we’re searching for.

And you want to know something? I bet you’ve already met them.

I know I have.

Feelings

New to me, these feelings are

I thought these thoughts all dwelled afar

For years they have alluded me

Now here, tonight, my soul’s set free

Comparison: the theif of joy

I’ve longed for this since just a boy

I’ve watched, observed, the ones who love

And always wished I’d rise above

Such reservations I have had

Since yesteryear and just a lad

Now here, tonight, under these stars

It feels like this whole world is ours

And as we dance under moonlight

Those eyes of yours, they shine so bright

Such luck it was that I found you

Let’s live this life, as we’re meant to

You Might Be A Writer If…

“All real writers are published”

Hang on a second, that statement’s wrong!

What say you of bloggers, huh?

Can poets not come tag along?

“Ha! We scoff with tilted heads”

“Real writers do those on the side”

“We know that true art lies in sales”

“For money validates our stride”

“So please, a blogger? Some stupid poem?”

“You think that these can pay the bills?”

“Don’t make me laugh, you amateur”

“Just the thought gives me the chills”

Bite your tongue, pretentious fool!

It’s not for funds, why true arts made

Passion, love guides pen and brush

‘Tis by-product, when we get paid

And cut! Fake convo ends as Matt chimes in

On wars of words, “label” affairs

I cannot help but ask them this:

WHO THE FLY’D FUCK EVEN CARES?

 

Just shut up and write, you dweebs.

 

You Can’t Spell Fame Without Me

Sure a catchy title, no?

I mean its kind of right

Said before, I’m sure it’s so

But came to me tonight

 

Some day an agent reading a

Submission (one of mine)

Will finish it and be like “Shit!”

“This author I must sign!”

 

But then the intern (her name’s Pam)

Will come say “Time for lunch!”

As the agent says “Oh damn,”

Sets me back in the bunch

 

Getting back, she sits right down

And scratches her blank head

Says “Where was I?” with a frown

Then starts to tweet instead

 

Yes it funny, though its true

This tale that came to be

The future first is said like “few”

And fame, ends with a “me”

No Pun Intended

I start and I end with a shower, all nude

Turned on is the water, so set is the mood

I put on my old socks, ever so slowly

I should take them to church cause my socks are so holy

But before this day starts, I must say that this chap

Shall first drop a deuce, ‘cause he don’t give a crap

Flip a coin in the well, but it wasn’t well-spent

Matchbox 20 disc broke; the damn album got Bent

Wrapped a fish in some tin, but my main course was spoiled

Too long did it cook, dinner plans were all foiled

Felt so lonely today, I bought some stock shares

Now I have company, so pull up some chairs

My last girl couldn’t see straight, she was sadly cross-eyed

We broke up when I heard she sees men on the side

The ex before would come home shouting, loud as a drum

When asked why she said “sorry, I scream when I come”

The girl before her wanted me strong, fit and stout

When I said no to the gym, things just didn’t work out

Once saw a suicide bomber eat so much on the road

When asked for dessert he said “I’m ‘bout to explode”

Saw a one-legged hitchhiker, so sad and so thin

I stopped on the spot, said “come on man, hop in”

Then saw this girl’s chest that looked swelled with disease

Turns out she’d been stung by a nest of boo-bees

My sis said the number of bad jokes I tell: myriad

“Your PMS jokes are not funny, Matt: period.”

Way down in a foxhole, I wrote poems before sleep

If I say so myself, my war writing was deep

A misunderstanding got me fired, I’d called right at dawn

Asked my boss can I please come in late? He said “yeah Matt, dream on”

They say French fries are French, but this one press release

Said “actually the truth is they’re all cooked in Greece”

My childhood Priest had two jobs under control

Fixing shoes on the side, he heeled so many soles

Saw Peter Pan as a kid but could not understand

How he flew all the time and how he’d never land

But that wasn’t my only dilemma, I say

If I knew why Earth rotates, it would so make my day

Damn – I must go now, big brother’s listening, you see

Those jerks are beginning to really bug me!

Editing Sucks (but Marriage is Great)

I’m wedded to Words, yes I’m smitten with love

But like any such marriage, we fight

Sometimes it gets tense, and push comes to shove

As they shout, “Don’t give me your bullshit tonight!”

Of course that’s unfair, Words just don’t understand

Just like any ole husband or wife

Its worked to the bone, this here writing hand

Far too much for that “editing” life

Why can’t Words just listen, do what I say

And tidy things up on their own?

I’m only one man, and its been a long day

Must I do so much work all alone?

As carpal tunnel sets in, Words just lounge and relax

Can’t even say “Good job today, Matt”

Oh its cool Words, I got this, ya’ll just lay on your backs

Like I’m hitched to a fat fucking cat

Hell, I even invent those new friends that you like

“Words Night Out” exists ‘cause of ME

The least you could do is be more sportsmanlike

And help edit occasionally

I mean how hard can it be? Just shuffle your feet!

One step and that loose screw is tight

My spelling is solid, my grammar’s is neat

Its not like it’ll take you all night

But whatever I guess, I know they think I overbear

I truly feel marriage is great

I just get so worried they might have an affair

With that douchebag songwriter I hate

 

 

 

 

 

Corner Creeps

So here I am with headphones on
Observing dudes put on their con
A business mixer, seems to be
And HA! You must be kidding me
I wish you folks could join and sit
To watch how fucking full of shit
All these try-hards seem to me
Who sadly, I too used to be
Thank God for waking up that day
When my whole world was swept away
And though how painful those days were
At least now I’m not chasing HER
Who is “her”? I’m glad you asked
That blonde where all these dudes amassed
I must admit I’m cracking up
So many times they’ve filled her cup
And you know what? I guarantee
They think “she’s coming home with me”
So let me pause this poem for now
And wait till things have all played out
Yep! At last, they’ve disappeared
And boy, the shit you overhear
When corner creeping on these bros
Who want so bad to catch some hos
Anyway, I guess you guys
Would like to know who won the prize
Despite the drinks and “how much I curl”
I’m proud of our free drunken girl
Cause after all the things they did
She slammed the fuck out of the lid
On each and every single try
And let down each and every guy
“No brainer”, right? “Damn girl, you fine”
And yes, one douche had dropped that line
So here we are, we’ve reached the end
I want so bad to say, “my friends”
“If I may, let me correct”
“And teach you fucking dicks respect”
But I digress; again, I know
That I was them not long ago
Perhaps this story sheds some light
On one or two good guys tonight
And helps them realize how they look
SHIT! …one of them saw me.
“Who, me? Naw bro, I’m just working on my book.”

The Creep

It puts the lotion on its skin

Or else it gets the hose again

“What a minute, why’d you stop?”

“My hairs so matted, it’s a mop!”

“Turn the water on again”

“I’m not done bathing, creepy friend”

Hold on, what? I thought that I –

“Shut up, dude! It’s time to dry”

“Now turn the water spigot off”

“So I don’t drown or start to cough”

But I’m a killer, aren’t you scared?

“Bro, I think you are impaired”

“The only thing you need to do”

“Is fix your fucking dad issue”

“I get it, sure, that you weren’t loved”

“But hands are better when they’re ungloved”

“Don’t hide the shit that you’ve been through”

“I know your pain, I’ve felt it too”

“Don’t take your anger out on us”

“Because some jerk destroyed your trust”

“How bout you look inside instead?”

“And realize that we all have bled”

Well this is awkward; that makes sense

So tell me how to recompense

“Come here then, I’ll show you how”

“This hatred you must disavow”

Okay then, I guess I’ll quit

Wait, I won’t fall for this dumb shit

Shut up please; now where was I?

Oh yeah thats right: time to die

This is Ass Whip Hop

Spare a moment of your time and talk to me objectively

This elephant must be addressed, its been standing there rejecting me

The topic of discussion was created here specifically

You guessed it: rap culture; let’s review it scientifically

 

I needn’t say for we all know that music molds and shapes our mind

So first let’s talk about how rap is so…refined

After all, doesn’t everyone like money, cars, and clothes?

And let us not forget what’s most important: hoes

 

Just hear me out before I twist your panties in a wad

I admit that not all rap is like the oppo word of God

But let’s be real and speak in generalities

So let’s please cut the shit and drop the useless, dumb formalities

 

In fact hold on I’ll tell you what, let’s try something on the run

Let’s take a shot at mimicking the rap game, don’t that sound fun?

Ahem. Give me a moment to prepare my new mentality

After all I’m new to this, I must change my personality

 

That’s right you bitches listen up, this white boy rap’s begun

These tasty bars will burn so hot, like wagyu steak that’s overdone

All this coming off the top, the lid is popping off

So much fire on this page you’d think I threw a Molotov

 

This is not hip hop, this is ass whip hop

Let’s switch the rhymes up on this text

Take a breath, collect yourselves

You’ll need the air for what’s up next

 

Hold up Matt the fuck is this? I think the flow just changed somehow

That’s right ma-fucka I switched it up this game is run by rhythm now

I hope you laced the Jordans on cause the pace is picking up ya’ll

I’ll tell you what just numb your lungs, here take this alcohol

Don’t be shy bitch take it all, open the throat wait that’s what she said

Aw come on now you know I’m playin, or maybe not cause that’s good head

There we are don’t that feel nice? These fifths can always heal the pain

I hope you brought your parka too, the forecast says its bout to rain

 

Actually fuck it I think this rap is done

I think we had a solid quarter Asian run

Oh, before I forget just one last thing:

No hoes we’re harmed in this production

They’ve been chillin’ in my bed…for accidental reproduction

 

 

 

 

 

 

America Then Vs. America Now

Lemme take you to an age before the days of Netflix

A time before you and I, when people made their own bricks

That’s right you pussy boys and girls – “Hold on a sec what year is this?”

One fucking seven, mother fucking seven six

That was the year that we stood and said, E-NUFF

“Take your shit back to Brit, this weak ass tea and other stuff”

“Hold on hat, you don’t like that? Go on get out your handcuff”

“I’m sick of all your taxes rather jump off Martha Vineyards bluff”

Waaaaait boyz, come on give me a break

The world’s been sleeping soundly now it’s fine’ly bout to be awake

Haven’t you heard? Healthcare should be a human right

Or could I be wrong? If so I don’t know why we fight

We’re changing the world, we stand here holding up our fists

All of you girls, get up and shame misogynists

We don’t like a President who judges people by their skin

Thank the God that we don’t think is real that none of us are Indian

Hooooold up, this isn’t what we fought for

We’re so ashamed at what became we’re rising out of Rushmore

It’s obvious that all you dweebs are needing this here crash course

So thank God you’re talking to the fucking eagle-blooded source

This. Isn’t. What. We. Had. In. Mind.

All. You. Do. Is. Bitch. And. Whine.

Man the fuck up, grow some balls and make this country free again

Turn off your TVs and fucking re-learn how to reason, men

Um, excuse me please, but you just sound like a big jerk

America today is different, watch us dance and watch us twerk

So get used to this new way of the world and new reality

How dare you scoff at human rights and my gender mentality

Meanwhile, overseas…

HA! Look! We’ve got them right where we want

They’re so accused of being used they can’t tell New York from Vermont!

Now it’s time to move while they have this dumb discussion

We shall crush them all with haste and make these morons Russian!

Muahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

Pussies.

The Worst Tinder Date Ever

Come here close, come here, see?

“Are these the things you said I need?”

“Wait a second, what is this?”

My trick worked, now you do belong to me

Come on down, don’t be shy

“I think that we should let it be”

Just you wait, you won’t regret

“You’re really starting to scare me”

You worry wart, this room is safe

“Are you just playing hard to get?”

Ask yourself, would I do that?

“I’m not sure sir cause we just met”

Here we are, just take a look!

“This place seems like its cool I guess”

You’re oh so right, now have a seat

“I see the checkerboard and chess”

There there now, let’s have a peek

“A peek at what, you silly man?”

A look at at all the options, see?

Because you’ve walked into my plan

“Wait a minute, what’d you say?”

Don’t fret now darling, just relax

Get yourself a comfy seat

And sit there till I sharp my ax

“Haha man, very funny,

Quit the acting, come here now”

You think I’m acting? Oh my dear

It’s not a joke, I’ll show you how

There we are, buckled in

“The hell is this you’re being weird?”

That’s okay, for very soon

I’ll show you what you all have feared

I think I’ll start with toenails, yes?

Shucking them like oyster shells

Soon you’ll realize who I am

And wish you were in seven hells

But wait right there and say a prayer

You aren’t going to see the light

And when I’m done and had my fun

You’ll wish you hadn’t swiped me right