Dog Tornado

Are those pillows to your liking?

Since you’ve spread them everywhere?

Are you packing to go hiking?

You sure took time arranging, there

I do not get it, little dude

Why must you make a mess?

To be frank, it’s kinda rude

Can you not just chill and rest?

All the blankets, all the throws

In the wash machine

It’s like you think nobody knows

That someone here must clean

Listen, bro, and yes I know

You like to fluff and puff

No more of this dog tornado

Because I’ve had enough

Dog Breath

What do you do when you’re faced with a curse?

A fate that is worse than your death?

A thing that can just be described as the worst

A thing that is Baxter’s dog breath?

I usually let him jump onto my lap

It’s not a big deal, normally

But when I wake up after taking a nap

He tends to come walk over me

He’ll stand on my chest and look into my eye

As if to say “time to get up”

And then he will yawn and make me want to die

As I gag and say “close your mouth, pup”

It’s really not funny, because when he yawns

It’s like he’s exhaling his guts

His breath smells like what he ate from dusk to dawn

And what’s more, he’ll stand on my nuts

So I must say, as I lie here today

Typing and scribbling words

Buy a dog bed, so when you hit the hay

You’ll wake up, and only hear birds

The Worst Tinder Date Ever

Come here close, come here, see?

“Are these the things you said I need?”

“Wait a second, what is this?”

My trick worked, now you do belong to me

Come on down, don’t be shy

“I think that we should let it be”

Just you wait, you won’t regret

“You’re really starting to scare me”

You worry wart, this room is safe

“Are you just playing hard to get?”

Ask yourself, would I do that?

“I’m not sure sir cause we just met”

Here we are, just take a look!

“This place seems like its cool I guess”

You’re oh so right, now have a seat

“I see the checkerboard and chess”

There there now, let’s have a peek

“A peek at what, you silly man?”

A look at at all the options, see?

Because you’ve walked into my plan

“Wait a minute, what’d you say?”

Don’t fret now darling, just relax

Get yourself a comfy seat

And sit there till I sharp my ax

“Haha man, very funny,

Quit the acting, come here now”

You think I’m acting? Oh my dear

It’s not a joke, I’ll show you how

There we are, buckled in

“The hell is this you’re being weird?”

That’s okay, for very soon

I’ll show you what you all have feared

I think I’ll start with toenails, yes?

Shucking them like oyster shells

Soon you’ll realize who I am

And wish you were in seven hells

But wait right there and say a prayer

You aren’t going to see the light

And when I’m done and had my fun

You’ll wish you hadn’t swiped me right

Da Boyds

There lives a small famiwee, I call them da Boyds

They are so pwetty and so vewy cute

I love to watch them frolick and pway

Everwy day on my morning commute

They live in a howse made out of straw

It seems the parwents never do rest

All of the time da Boyds fwy through the sky

Looking for woyms for the chicks in their nest

Ballad of the Bimbo

Lemme tell a story, it’s about this crazy bimbo

That booty was so strong ya’ll, just like a Slice of Kimbo

I took her back to the crib, thinkin’ I’mma get some some trim, yo

Next thing I knew she bends on down, “You gonna lick this rim, tho?”

“Hold up girl, wait a sec, I gotta check my bills, ho”

“I don’t know if I can pay for this,” my mind starts movin’ real slow

“Wait up girl, the fuck is that?” She just pulled out a dildo

Fourteen inches, girth of Thor, I laugh and tell her “HELL NO”

But wait a min, the shit is this? Whips out a Pokémon handcuff,

“Come on now, don’t be shy, stop actin’ like you hard n’ tough”

Locks me up and bends me down, grabs the dildo, lookin’ rough

Stares at me straight in the eye, “This gon’ Peek-on-thru that Jigglypuff”

“Oh my God!” I screamed out loud. “My butt isn’t that durable!”

“Sorry bitch,” she said to me, “this tickets not transferable”

I’m sorry ya’ll, I cannot tell, what happened was unbearable

Let just say that the next day, my butt was unrepairable

Listen now, all of you, don’t care how much you think you know

Never go to that same place. Never shop by that window.

Cause if you do, I swear to you, you’ll soon be playing limbo

With the roughest dame in town, that crazy freakin’ bimbo

My Dog is Famous

Oooookay!

Where do I even begin? I suppose a little background context is a good place to start.

So my dog, Mr Baxter, has a nasty habit of chewing his leashes. He’s pretty much the perfect pup outside of that one annoying, economically burdening trait. Most of my brainstorming for writing is done with a beer, on a dog friendly restaurant patio somewhere – so naturally he has ample opportunity to inconspicuously gnaw his way to freedom while I’m immersed in my journals and outlines. So every time he successfully liberates himself, I’m forced to buy a new leash. I’d get a metal one, but toting one of those around gets annoying and clinky.

Anyway, so the other day I left my office to grab lunch and run into PetSmart to return his latest leash. Obviously I couldn’t take him in because he wouldn’t have a leash on the way in. So I left him in the car. By the way, it was 64 degrees outside and I was only going to be gone for like two minutes. In and out.

Well as I return to my car, I’m confronted by a lovely social justice warrior taking photos of my beloved Mr Baxter in my car. So I’m like “um, what are you doing?” 

The girl then proceeds to berate me and tell me how abusive I am to my dog, and that I was lucky she didn’t bust my windows out and next time she would. So I tried my best to explain how my dog is literally like a son to me (he’s all I have), and that he probably gets better treatment than most humans. She wanted nothing to do with that. Instead, she informed me of how illegal it was for me to leave him. A comment to which I responded “well if what I just did is illegal, then that’s a stupid law.” And I may have told her she was the problem with America, but whatever. 

Anyway, I go back to work and mention my recent encounter on Facebook to get a laugh. Then, in my post thread, someone tagged a photo of my hometowns FB page where she had posted a pic of my car, license plate, and peacefully slumbering dog – telling the whole world I was a monster basically. 

Naturally, as these things always do, there was a huge outcry of differing opinions. Most were pretty reasonable thank god, stating that he looked fine. So I then commented her public post myself and explained what had happened. 

That’s when the business went down.

Suddenly an enormous surge of awesome, logical folks came to my defense. It was amazing, and I’m still speechless at how good it felt to have so many kind hearted people to have my back. 

The post has since been deleted. But now, at the behest of some of these community members, we are going to host a #vivamrbaxter event where people can bring their dogs, have fun, and get educated on the legal standpoint of this type of thing. Like when you can and cannot be a hero.

Point is, now the community has turned what could have been an overly dramatic fight into something that will raise money for animals, and everyone wins.

That, if I may say so myself, is how the world should work. 

I freaking love my city.

The Tiki Torches: 3

“Alright, everyone. This evening we have an excellent opportunity to show these people just what we mean. We’ve tolerated centuries of oppression, decades of condescension, and countless years of bigotry! I say unto you all, stand up for your rights! Stand up for your freedoms! Stand up for the God Given, inherent capabilities of existing as a human being!”

Hurrah!!

Standing tall in front of a melting pot of human beings, the mayor of the city of Perth gives an emboldened speech at the municipalitie’s town hall meeting. As a champion of all races and creeds, he has garnered the support of pretty much the entire town. Except, of course, a small minority of closed minded bigots who refuse to adapt to change.

“We will stand strong with our brothers and sisters, no matter the cost!” The mayor shouts from his podium inside the town halll. “This is but a small town, but we are a united town!” He adds, a finger shaking in the air to reiterate his point.

“We will not allow a small contingent of oppressors to light up the evening! We will stamp out the flames of injustice!” Hurrah! “We shall stop them in their tracks!” Hurrah! “We shall meet them on the battlefield of intellectual opposition, and let none leave without exposure to our light!” HURRAH!!!!

As the mayor lets the crowd’s energy die down, he holds out his arms.

“My friends.” He says. “Let us begin preparations. It’s been reported that there has been a spike in Tiki Torch sales at the Wal-Smart across town. Let’s show them that these torches shall not have been bought in vain! We shall show them the error of their ways.”

Hurrahhhh!!!!!!

Slowly walking off his town hall stage, the mayor finally takes a moment to catch his breath.

“Great speech, sir!” One of his constituents says.

“Yeah. It was. But it was just that. A speech.” The mayor snaps back, obviously caught up in thinking about something else.

“But sir, you moved the entire town! That surely must count for something.” The constitutant says.

“Yes. They’re motivated. And for that I am grateful. But there is so much else left to do.” The mayor says.

“Come, we must prepare for the Torches.” He adds with a sly wink, clearly indicating that he has something in store for the folks riding his way.

The Writers Marquee

The gloves are off! 

It’s heating up

And when you think

They’ve said enough

They bounce right back 

To add a punch

A right, a left

This scribbling bunch

Some shout, some SCREAM!

Yet others wait

Through subtle pokes 

Their points, they bait

Until they land 

That final blow

When socks blow off

And minds explode

Come one, come all!

Beyond marquee

Where writers fight

And chicks drink free

Jellyfish

Oh, won’t you just look

How she swoons. Don’t you wish

She’d just get her own room?

That smug, prissy, pompous fish

Ugh, all the glamour 

All the glint, all the glee

Get over yourself, fishy

You think you’re pretty?

Ha! All we fish 

Swim around, making fun

As you duck lip your way

Thinking you’re the only one

Well here’s some news, ma’am

All us others swim and swam

And we all think your body

Looks like gross belly spam

So who cares if you’re hot?

We all gossip, we all wish

Because truth lies inside,

That we’re all…jellyfish!

How the World Should Work

For far too long I’ve waited

And put off this vital task

No more shall I lay dormant

It’s time to shed this timid mask

The road ahead, its daunting

Just where does one begin?

It matters not, get started 

As complacency’s a sin

The goal is set, if only

Our path was just as clear

Uncertainty’s foreboding 

We must march ahead, no fear 

The battle may be bloody

Perhaps some won’t survive

But die for cause, so noble

And keep your memory, alive

From deepest soul, I mean this

To all who read this text 

This is not to entertain you

It’s to usher in what’s next 

Earth needs our help, its falling 

While its evil casts a smirk

But mark these words, we’ll change it

We’ll show them How the World Should Work

The Gentleman

Chivalrys dead!

Or so it is said

On this, I ponder quite long

It’s really no chore

Kindly holding your door

Yet you glare, like something is wrong 

It’s fine! Some will sneer

I’ll get it! They’ll jeer

Independent, a woman am I

Your help? I’ve no need

These mouths, he shall feed

Career driven, focused, my guy

Well fine I shall say

As I walk far away

I just thought I would lend you a hand

And one day, when he cheats 

Hope he’s good in the sheets

Cause you won’t get much else from him, ma’am

The Con of Cons

To give a little context, below is a reflection of my experience (as a volunteer) at the first Game of Thrones conference ever held. Working the Con provided a pretty good view of how things went administratively. I daresay the vast majority of the weekend was a massive success, but there was (understandably) a slight hiccup here and there. You know, little stuff that’s an inevitable part of any big event like this.

Without further adieu – fonas chek, everyone!

 

THE CON OF CONS

Alrighty my friends

Just a sec, listen up

The sad end has arrived

So let’s all raise a cup

And bid fond farewell

I hope you all will agree

To meet up next year

For Freefolk, are we

So many great friends

It seems we’ve all made

Which means Con number two

Will put this one to shame

Much more stuff can we plan

Since we all made a mate

Epic fun is in store

So be sure to hydrate

And before I forget

As a Con volunteer

All the suggestions ya’ll made

Will help planning next year

Rest assured, worry not

All the kinks will be gone

This year taught one thing:

How to properly Con

And one other thing

If Valyrian pass, did you claim

Sincere apologies, accept

If you thought it was lame

But fear not, VIPs

For next year you shall see

That the perks you’ll enjoy

Will be worth all its fee

Your photos shall print fast

All in focus – not a glitch

But for real, jokes aside

Working photos…was a bitch

Now let’s all look ahead

At two thousand eighteen

And as friends, all await

Until we next reconvene

 
On a serious note – I can’t describe how grateful I am to have met you guys. This weekend was the most fun I’ve had in quite some time. This was also my first Con, so thank you all for making it such an unforgettable one! Next year can’t get here soon enough!!

Love you guys!

Matt
Oh, and while I’m here: if you’d enjoy more of teh rhymez, here’s a link to one that was my favorite to scribble.

https://howtheworldshouldwork.com/2016/12/16/an-ode-to-the-alphabet/

White Girls

The time has come, I think it so

To say something that we all know

There’s groups, there’s squads, there’s little cliques

But none compare to Team White Chicks

Like ohmigosh! Kisses, hugs

While sipping lattes, wearing Uggs

These leggings fit, or make me fat?

C’mon girl, just ask Snapchat

Great idea! They’re just so tight

Wait! This latte’s skinny, right?

Girl you know I order true

Never whole milk, that’s just ew!

Phew! Yes girl, you I trust

Come on now, tan we must

Those beds are hot, just like fire

Girl! My VS coup is ‘gon expire

The mall it is, we mustn’t wait!

Clothes and shoes, that white chick bait

On the way we pass the lake

Jeep’s windows down, playing Drake

Phone’s are out, texting “him”

Tweeting, gramming, oh! Re-pin

Now we’re done, clothes are bought

Night is ours, so what’s the spot?

Girl its midtown, call a cab

This Tinder match looks so damn fab

Let’s meet up, what do you do?

You’re self-employed? Boy that means ew!

C’mon girl, this bar is bust

And plus I think I drank too much

Let’s go home and take some pics

Oh don’t you love some Team White Chicks?

 

 

 

 

 

The Revolt Returns: 9

“Hey guys! Has anyone seen my jar of annoying whispering wisps?”

Approaching the Lenghornian village’s central meeting area, Dustin the Determined asks his co-workers where his pets might be.

“Oh yeah, we actually threw them out.” Chris the Comical tells him. “They all died. Did you not feed them?”

His quizzical stare slowly fading into a devious smirk, Dustin chuckles under his breath.

“Wait. Those things eat? I thought they were like…spirits or something. Well maybe not spirits. But ghosts. Or demons. Or something like that. Ya know? Like sometimes I wondered if they were even real cause sometimes I think I see things that aren’t there and then I’m like”

“DUSTIN!” The servers collectively shout, ending the rant and refocusing his attention.

“Forget them dude. They’ve joined our fallen comrades in peaceful slumber beyond the veil,” Chris assures him.

“Huh. Imagine that.” Dustin dismissively says, shrugging his shoulders. “Sucks to be them! Stupid wisps.”

“Right.” Chris says with a subtle laugh, putting his arm around Dustin’s shoulder to usher him into the meeting that was already taking place. “Johnny, please continue,” he says, looking toward the slightly introverted, usually soft spoken Giver of Speeches.

“Anyway,” Johnny the Jovial shouts to the villagers, “here is the plan. Our Barfly Gnat scouts have caught wind of Spam’s battle plans. We must break this wind! Let me tell you, faithful companions, these are sinister plans indeed. For Spam intends to secretly use her brainless Chilian soldier-slaves to mount a massive assault on this very village. But this shall be merely be a diversion for her true intention: sending her disgusting, uncontrollably hairy minion Will the Wolf to assassinate our village leadership!”

“GASP!!”

Collectively inhaling with such ferocity that Jade the Painfully Attractive Lade’s server apron almost falls off, the Lenghornians express disbelief of their oppressive manager’s intentions.

Confidently raising his hand, Johnny the Gentleman calms his loyal subjects.

“My friends…” he softly asserts, using his other hand to unsheath a blade so powerful it nearly blinds the crowd, “worry not. For I wield Steakscalibir!! I shall embark on an epic mission along with our brave cohort Dustin the Deft and end this treachery before it has a chance to take root!” He shouts, raising the fabled blade in triumph.

“HUZZAH!!” The Lenghornians cry in excited elation. “All hail Johnny! All hail Dustin!!” They cheer.

Glancing over the crowd to witness Brittany the Beautiful deliver a patron’s Blue Moon well after the beer’s expected arrival time, Johnny returns his gaze down to his fellow servers as he gracefully nods in appreciation of their support. Subtly glancing at Dustin, he slyly winks, smirks, and nods in silent acknowledgemnt of the legendary quest on which they shall soon embark.

A quest, as it were, which will define the future of the Lenghornian village for ages to come.

Introducing Squeak

I wrote this quite awhile back, but since I’ve decided to hold on to book 2, I wanted to share this chapter so I can introduce one of my favorite characters. This chapter is the first in which Carson’s new companion Squeak comes along. If you read it, there’s obviously going to somewhat of a spoiler alert, but I’m pretty sure everyone knows the general direction that the story is going toward. So it won’t really give that much away. Anyway, I hope you like her. She was inspired by a combination of Ducky from Land Before Time and my own pup, Mr. Baxter.

Chapter 14

What the Hell?

Carson, is that you?

The morning after his first night in his new Pod residence, Carson wakes up in his bed overlooking the living area. Rolling over, his inner dialogue wishes him good morning.

Um…who else would it be? Stupid Brain. Can’t take you anywhere.

Yeah…dumb question Carson, my B. Anyway, so we’re on a freaking space plane. Thoughts?

I’m glad you asked. WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?! IS THIS REAL? That was actually the first thing to cross my mind. But then I consider how much thought we’ve put into all of this, like that signal and whatnot. Then I think about how normal it probably all is. In fact, there are probably a gazillion other things out there in the universe right this very instant, thinking this very same thought, reading this same damn thing, all at the same time. And you and me would never know. Wanna know why? CAUSE THE UNIVERSE IS TOO. DAMN. BIG. Yeah. Them’s my thoughts.

Well smack me silly and tickle me Elmo! Well said my man! You’re probably right. This reality of ours is too big for us to try to think about. In other news, however, is a more pressing matter. What is our plan to reunite with our fair lady? We can’t stay up here forever.

Good point, Brain. You’re so wise. So, about that.

Silence.

Yes?

Well…what’s the plan?

OH! I assumed you understood that I was actually asking you that. That wasn’t a rhetorical question. Idiot.

Hey! Gimme a break here, I was letting you lead. I thought you were going for some sort of cinematic suspense. Sorry. But I don’t know, honestly. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I haven’t decided. I guess we should ask Xun. But what if the world’s gonna end? Would we want to go back?

I mean yeah. Jennifer’s there, after all. And we love her.

True. And that’s really the most important thing, isn’t it? Love.

It really is. Why else would we do all the crap we do in our lives? Do you think people WANT to work 40 hours a week at a job they pretend to like just so they can pay bills to sustain the life that they’re “supposed” to live? If it ain’t for love, I don’t know what is. 

Man. Deep thoughts. Anyway, the important thing is that we need to get back to Jennifer. She’s seriously the best thing that’s ever happened to us. Deal?

Deal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

`

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ANYWAY!! Time to get up!  

Sitting up in his bed, Carson rubs his eyes as he looks out of the small porthole on the wall at the side of his bed, seeing Earth floating millions of miles away. Seemingly out of nowhere, a strange, high-pitched female voice startles him.

“Looks peaceful, dunnit?

“What the hell?” Carson says, turning around to look at a light purple, grey spotted odd-looking creature in front of him. “What in the world are you?”

“I’m your partner!” The tiny four legged, elephant-shaped thing on his floor says.

“My partner? For what?” Carson asks. “You look like you just walked out of that old Nintendo game. What was it called…Q-Bert!” He adds, looking at the long, one-nostriled cylindrical nose it has protruding from its face.

“Oh, you know. Just stuff.” It says, clumsily hopping toward him. “They give us to you things to feel safe, you know? Like a friend. You’ll probably be here awhile.”

“We ‘things’?”

“Yeah! You know, the things that always come up here when they’re trying out a new species. They always bring some of you things up while they watch you. To get to know you and stuff.”

“Ummmmm…I see.” Carson replies, picking his feet up so the creature can walk underneath them to the porthole.

“Yep! So peaceful.” It squeaks, propping itself against the wall so it can look out at Earth.

Dumbfounded, yet slightly humored, Carson grins at the cute little thing struggling to look out the porthole.

“Here, let me help you.” He says, setting a pile of books that the Organization has provided underneath it.

“Thank you!” The creature says, excitedly.

“So do you have a name?” Carson asks, still grinning.

Turning its head to look back at him, still leaning against the wall, the creature bats its eyes at Carson before replying.

“No, I don’t think so. I think you can name me.” It squeaks.

“I’m sorry. This is absolutely hilarious.” Carson says, sitting on the bed. “Alright then, well are you a boy or a girl?” He asks.

“A girl, I think.” She replies.

“Great. Well, let’s see. You’re adorable. You’re colorful. You’ve got a high-pitched, squeaky voice. You’ve got four legs and a Q-Bert face. Hmm…” He says, searching for an appropriate name. “Tell you what, I have an idea. Run to the door.”

“The door?” The creature asks, turning around off the wall to face him.

“Yep. The door. Run to it.” Carson replies, pointing to the sliding door that’s about eight feet from the creature.

“Okay!”

Swiveling to face the door, the creature begins to hop toward it in an overly exerted effort, sliding onto its face as its reaches its destination.

“Okay, that might have been the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” Carson says, falling back onto his mattress laughing hysterically.

Regaining her footing and coming to, the creature hops over close to Carson’s feet.

“Did that make you happy? Yay! I think we will get along great.”

Sitting back up and hoisting her into his lap, Carson looks at the little creature’s big bubbly, blue eyes.

“Alright. You need a name. The hopping thing didn’t give me the idea I thought it would. So I’m going with my gut. How about Squeak?”

“Squeak?” The creature asks.

“Yeah! Squeak. It’s perfect. It personifies you. You have a squeaky voice and you’re freaking cute as a button. Squeak fits you perfectly.”

Looking up at him, Squeak smiles as her big bubbly eyes blink.

“Yeah, I think so too.” She says.

“Great!” Carson says, setting Squeak down and standing up. “Now, back to reality. Do I need like a leash for you or something?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Squeak says, hopping alongside him. “I think I’ll just follow you around.”

“Sounds like a plan. You sure do think a lot!” Carson says, laughing. “Let’s go find Xun. I need to figure out when I’m going back.”

Descending the stairs from his unit’s bedroom, Carson sets out to find his abductor. By now he’s become somewhat familiar with the ship, but still hasn’t been able to get his bearings on where exactly everything is located.

Crossing one of the catwalks, Carson and Squeak walk past several strange looking aliens. It’s obvious that the ship is a melting pot of different species, most of which are bipedal and at least somewhat humanoid. Its clear that life evolves in an almost infinite number of ways, made obvious by the sheer diversity of creatures on the ship.

Continuing along the inner walkway, Squeak hops happily behind Carson.

“So where are we going?” She asks, shooing a colorful butterflee off the railing with her trunk.

“I told you, to find Xun! I’m thinking he’s back in the Observatory.” Carson replies, hastening his pace.

Struggling to keep up, Squeak begins to pant.

“Slow down, please! I’m little, remember?”

“Okay, okay. Sorry.” Carson laughs, picking her up.  “C’mon. This’ll be easier.”

“Yeah, I think so too!” Squeak says.

Making their way to the Observatory, the pair finds Xun standing by the window looking out at Earth. Hearing them enter the room, he turns to face them.

“Greetings, Carson. I see you’ve acquainted yourself with your companion.” He says, smiling at Squeak.

“Yeah, seems like I have.” He says, setting the tiny creature down.

“What exactly am I supposed to do with this thing?” He asks, nodding his head toward her.

“We provide them to visitors who display a need for emotional attachment.” Xun says. “As you become exposed to the various species in the universe, you will realize that psychological makeup differs significantly from civilization to civilization. Some require emotional companionship, and your species falls into that category. So, occasionally we provide creatures such as yours here to fulfill that requirement. It isn’t something we always do, but anything that help fulfill your instincts is good in our eyes.”

“I see…” Carson says, sitting down on the long bench in front of him. “So basically you’re saying you’ve given me a pet?”

“Precisely.” Xun says with a smile.

“Gotcha. So anyway, what have you learned about us so far? Any Earth-shattering developments?” He asks, thinking back to Brody’s pun in his apartment.

“None so far.” Xun replies with a slight frown. “We have been observing your current state of affairs from here. As I told you before, we generally attempt to contact the leaders of a civilization when we begin our induction process, but your situation is rather….unique. It seems that the carefully crafted structure of your society has broken, now that your world believes they have only a small time left to live. It has proved difficult for my team to identify leaders among your people amidst the chaos.”

Grimacing, Carson pats Squeak on the head as she curls into a ball to take a nap““.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. Things kind of crumbled when Yuri spilled the beans on the whole timeline thing.”

“Tell me what happened, my friend. This is quite an alarming situation to which we’ve been introduced.”

Shaking his head, Carson has a gloomy look spread over his face.

“Man, I don’t even know where to start. Like, I’m pretty sure our entire history has been riddled with fights. It’s like our species wants so badly to be good, but we’re our own worst enemy and we keep letting monsters make all the rules. But as far as this stupid asteroid goes, we found it a few months back. We don’t have any sort of super advanced technology or anything like I’m sure your Organization does, so we had to give it our best guess in terms of predicting its behavior. So they told everyone we had like thirty something years until it’s gonna hit. Plenty of time to find a solution, right?”

Nodding his head with an expression of concern, Xun seems genuinely sad after hearing Caron explain the world’s recent events.

“Anyway,” Carson goes on, “the people who you would consider our ‘leaders’ started building a ship. They were going to divert the rock away from the planet to save us. Well, sure enough, one of our species ’bad apples’ decided that he could use the asteroid to solve an energy crises that we have. So he wanted to deflect it just far enough to where it would get caught in our planet’s orbit. His plan was to send ships out to mine the thing. Which actually, now that I think about it, isn’t all that bad. Cause we really need help with that. Only he blew up the ship our leaders were building, and killed a bunch of people to replace it with one of his own.”

“That sounds pretty bad,” Xun says, shaking his head.

“And I’m not even done.” Carson says. ‘If all that weren’t enough, turns out that our ‘leaders’ had been lying to us. The ‘bad apple’ I told you about found out that realistically, we only have about three years until impact. Closer to two now, now that time’s gone by. So when he found that out, he lost it. He told the whole world, and now you see what you see.”

Looking toward the ground, Xun rubs the back of his neck.

“Wow.”

“Right?” Carson says. “Like what else can you say? But this is why I hate that you’re seeing us just now. You’re seeing us at our worst. It’s not really a fair time to judge, you know?”

“Well let me ask you this, my friend. What was it like before all of this?”

Softly laughing, Carson looks up, trying to find an answer.

“Before? Well…truthfully it wasn’t all that different. We’ve had a lot of wars throughout our entire existence. And don’t get me wrong, I’m no historian or anything, but I’ve never really, really, understood the point of most of them. There we’re some that mattered, though, you know? Like ones where people we’re just fed up with how awful they were being treated to the point that they took up arms and literally risked their lives. But for the most part, the bulk of us just want to get along and enjoy life. It’s the bad apples that end up causing the ruckus man. I wish I had a better answer, because I know I’m sort of speaking on behalf of my entire planet here, but I guess it is what it is. We really do have a lot of potential though, Xun. I promise.”

Patting him on the knee as he stands up, Xun smiles at Carson.

“You know, Carson, I am glad to have met you. I believe you will fit in quite nicely with our Organization.”

Looking up at Carson, Squeak shakes after getting up from the nap she’d been taking.

“I think so too!” She says.

“Well I hope this works out, my man.” Carson says to Xun, holding his fist out.

“As do I, my friend.” Xun says, bumping Carson’s fist with a smile.


The Revolt Returns: 7

shhhhhhh letusoutofthisstupidjaryouslickhairedmaniac shhhhhhh

Back in the Lenghornian village, Dustin the Determined is carrying around his jar of wisps like a trophy. Easily entertained, he looks at them with the grin of a school boy looking at his first bowl of sea monkeys.

“Ha!” He laughs. “Stupid wisps. Bet you wish you hadn’t made fun of my hair now, huh?”

shhhhhhh pleaseletusoutforreal shhhhhh ithinkcarljustfartedanditsmells shhhhhhh

“Nope.” Dustin says, setting the jar down on the windowsill of his plastic straw hut.

Chopping lettuce in an attempt to help the brainless cooks keep the salad window stocked, Dustin hears a knock on the door.

“Dustin, we have news from the East!” A soothing female voice shouts. “Come, join us in the square!”

Pointing his knife and squinting at the wisps as to say “behave while I’m gone”, he sets the blade down and joins Stephanie the Sweet outside. His curiosity stirring, the pair hurriedly make their way to the center town square. Finally reaching the rest of the villagers, they settle into the crowd. Standing center stage behind a podium, Connee, The Fairy Queen of the House of Front, announces the grave news.

“Lenghornians! I come to you with news of utmost treachery! Our Barfly Gnat scouts have caught wind that Spam intends to overrun us with an army of Chilians from the East!”

GASP!

“This cannot be!” Jade, a girl that everyone obviously wants to “get to know” says.”I thought our Eastern Border was protected by the Calver army!”

“Alas, my dear,” Connee begins,”just because they are next door does not mean they have the capabilities to protect our lands. In fact their burger patties are far too thin to shield any of the Chilian siege weapons. We cannot count on them.”

“She speaks the truth.” A soft, reserved voice says from the back of the crowd. Stepping forward, Johnny the Gentleman offers his services. “Dear Fairy, allow me to raise a regiment of Lenghornian Revolters. We shall defend the realm until our dying breath.”

“Huzzah!” The Lenghornians cheer, patting Johnny on his firm buttocks.

Nodding her head and waving her tong wand, Connee manifests a leather tunic and suit of armor for Johnny, which he assertively grabs and straps on.

“You will need this as well, my Knight.” Connee says, handing Johnny a gleaming silver serrated steak knife.

“Steakscalibur!” Johnny says in astonishment. “Where did you obtain such a legendary relic?”

“Alas, my dear, twas easy for a Fairy of my level.” Connee says with a snide grin. “Come! Accept that which I bestow!” She shouts as she hands Johnny the beautiful blade. “You will lead your fellow Lenghornians, along with Dustin the Determined, to victory! I have read the prophecies. They tell a tale of a massive battle to come! We must prepare!”

“Huzzah!” The crowd shouts. “To war!”

 

 

 

The Revolt Returns: 6

“Quesadilla! Why is there no salt on my swine?!”

Far to the East, the realm’s new manager Spam shouts at her brainless Chilian manservant. Despite her managerial commitment to Lenghorn, she has diabolically crafted an alter-ego which, in her spare time, she utilizes to control the activities of the Lenghornian’s rivals.

“Apologies, my liege,” the Chilian manservant says, tilting a salt shaker above the steaming boar’s head which Spam is ironically about to consume. Ironically, of course, because pork is in fact an ingredient of actual spam. 

“Hmmph. That is quite enough.” Spam asserts with a dismissive wave of her hand. “Off you go.”

Sneering at his salty contribution to his masters meal, Quesadilla slowly waddles his way out of the massive dining hall, leaving Spam to her own devices.

Mmmm grumble chew chomp pghlegm swallow

Having her fill with the remainder of the swine, Spam stands up and waltzes to the tower’s open balcony, looking out on the lands below. 

Ha! These stupid Lenghornians shall never know what hit them. She thinks to herself, creepily rubbing her hands together. They think they’re the only restaurant in town? Please. My Chilians will make mince meat of these weaklings.

Spam’s rise to power was no accident. After having Netflixed and chilled on many occasions, she has heard the Star Wars plot line play out on far too many occasions. She now knows all too well how Senator Palpatine disguised himself as the leader of the Republic, yet simultaneously led the Empire in the shadows as Darth Sidious, unbeknownst to all. She intends to use the very same tactics against the Lenghornians, cultivating a massive army within the Chilian empire to overtake the pathetic Lenghornian villagers. 

They’ll never know what hit them. 

Suddenly, a deep voice bellows from within the Tower stairwell.

“Spam! Our army is nearing completion. The Lenghornians shall all die!” The voice  shouts.

Swiveling to face the stairwell, Spam holds her hand out, beckoning the voice to present itself.

“Show yourself, General! You know I detest that which I cannot see!”

“Yes, my liege.” The deep voice says as a clicking sound manifests in the stairwell. Seconds later, a jacked hairy werewolf emerges, ducking under the stone doorway leading into Spam’s chamber.

“Ah, there you are.” Spam says, attempting to discern whether he should button one more button on his shirt or if she actually likes the small amount of chest hair that is revealed. 

“Tell me more of my army!” She demands.

“Yes, my liege.” Will the Wolf says. “The Chilians are coming along splendidly. They are as brainless and obedient as the Lenghornian cooks! Muahahaha!” He cackles. 

“Excellent.” Spam says as she adjusts the Lenghornian floor plan into a chaotic calamity of confusion. “Soon we will launch our offensive. No longer will we have to tell customers we don’t have chips and salsa. Muahahaha!”

“You are so wise, my liege.” Will says, bowing his hairy wolf head in respect as he subtly checks her out because he cannot resist a hot manager. “I shall ascertain that our forces are well prepared to destroy the weak Lenghornians.”

“See that you do.” Spam says, dismissing him.

Leaning over the balcony, Spam peers over her lands in anticipation of the battle to come. 

Time for your annual review, Lenghornians. Muahahahaha!!

The Revolt Returns: 5

Ommmmmmm……

Ommmmmmm……

High above the Eastern mountains, the eerie chants of the Chilians can be heard.They are monks, a strange religious group who gain their deep understanding of the universe by basking themselves in the slightly spicy salsa that is provided upon the table greet.

The Lenghornians have spent a long time battling internally, relentlessly trying to iron out the most fair forms of management. And their sacrifices have not gone unrewarded. No, not at all. For the Lenghornian’s have braved the oppression of those such as Slobert the Magnificent. They have cheered as they overcame the wicked District Manager. They persevered and came through when time were toughest as they slaughtered their way through the treachery of Slug and Kelsey. Now, they face another foe. A foe that they have not yet seen. For the Chilians have colluded with the manager known as Spam, a new insider and force known to practice espionage. Spam sits upon her managerial throne, cackling as the Lenghornians unwittingly think they have won the fight. They have no idea what is in store. No, not at all.

Muahahahahahahaha!!!

Sneak Peak at a New Character in Continuity: Coalition

His name is Jacob Sellars. Below is an excerpt from one of the paragraphs that describes him. I really want to provoke the deep, visceral thoughts that we all have with this story and it’s characters. Touching taboo topics is sometimes a necessary thing if we want to achieve progress. Humanity needs an awakening.

“Knowing this is only a temporary takeoff which will connect them with their trans-continental flight, Jacob doesn’t bother putting a helmet on. Instead, he settles himself in the front seat of the cockpit, putting ear buds in as he listens to his iPod. Jacob never did obtain the battle-hardened psyche that many of his brother-in-arms developed throughout their time in service. Anytime he takes a life, he internalizes the grief and anguish that he knows his victim’s family assuredly feels upon gaining word of their loss. Despite the extensive training, despite the constant reassurance from his peers, and despite the hatred he sees in his enemies’ eyes, he’s never been able to fully detach himself from the fact that he is taking a human life every time he successfully pulls that trigger. The previous night has left him significantly distraught, something from which he will undoubtedly need much time to recover.”

The Lenghornian Revolt: The Full Second Sequence

Chapter 1

“Can you believe it’s been eleven months since the Battle for Free Servitude?”

Peacefully plowing her fields of terrible-tasting seasonal carrots, Stephanie the server comments to her co-worker, Brian the Frequently Requested, about how quickly time has passed since the epic liberation from their oppressive managers.

“It’s hard to.” Brian replies. “It seems like only yesterday that we were waiting hours just to have our final checkouts run. Now we can run them ourselves, free and without the stress of having to ask fifteen times.”

“Aye,” Stephanie replies. “It is a glorious feeling, indeed.”

As the pair shuffle over to tend their crops of obligatory lunch chips that hardly anyone ever eats, they hear rushed footsteps approaching them in the distance. Laying down their spatula scythes, they squint their eyes to view the strong, burly cook who is frantically running toward them.

“Bobby!” Stephanie wails, catching him as he collapses into her arms. “What troubles you?”

“My friends!” He shouts, panting as he catches his breath. “I have just returned from the stenchy Lands of Waste Disposal just outside of our restaurant, disgustingly located where we all must linger in the morning for unreasonable lengths of time whilst we wait for the locked gates to open!”

“No wonder you have discarded lettuce on your shoes.” Brian quips.

“This is no time for jest, my friend.” Bobby wheezes. “For I have caught wind of treachery and deceit stirring in the West!”

Instantly understanding the gravity of the situation, Stephanie and Brian gasp.

“No!” They exclaim. “What treachery dost thou speak of?”

“It is Slug.” He responds. “I fear the Gods of Corporate have hired an outside consulting firm, who have used their magic to brainwash them into promoting him to the position of Local Manager – a position we Lenghornians fought so valiantly to eliminate!”

“Holy Rack of Ribs!” Stephanie shouts. “This is terrible news!”

“Whatever will we do?!” Brian asks.

“I know not.” Stephanie answers. “But alas, we must act. We cannot allow Slug to reforge the Chains of Meaningless Rules.”

Finally regaining his breath, Bobby removes his hands from his strong, firm quadriceps and stands up straight.

“My friends, I fear that reforging the Chains of Meanlingless Rules may be the least of our worries. For I also caught wind the Slug wields an item far more dangerous than they. One that doesn’t even take up valuable space in his inventory.”

“Blasphemy!” Brian asserts. “Nothing in the realm could be more oppressive than those Chains! Especially something that carries zero burden!”

“My friend,” Bobby says as he places a hand on his shoulders. “You must have forgotten the tales of old we were told long ago, back when we were but mere trainees.”

“What tales?” Stephanie asks, adding to the suspense.

“The tales of the Annual Review.” Bobby grimly replies. “You must have forgotten that the results of the Annual Review may be used as leverage to be rid of us as servers, once and for all!”

“Nay!” Stephanie screams, biting her nails. “I thought they were only conducted once in a generation!”

“That time, I fear, is upon us.” Bobby says. “Come, we must warn the others.” He says, grabbing the pair as he leads them toward the restaurant.

Chapter 2

“We must make haste!”

Hurriedly rushing through the grassy hills overlooking of the House of Front, Stephanie and Brian are sweating from their long trek.

“I’m running as fast as I can!” Brian shouts at Stephanie.

As they finally make it to the peaceful village where the servers hang their aprons at night, the pair begins shouting in the middle of the cobblestone streets to warn them of the terrible news.

“My friends! You must awaken! There is trouble brewing in the West!” They yell, holding the wet floor cones that no one ever pays attention to over their mouths so they can project their voices.

One by one, the confused servers begin to exit their huts and wipe their tired eyes as the bright Moon shines down on them, illuminating their silhouettes along the dark street.

“Trouble brews on the Jessica West?” Johnny quietly asks.

“No! The actual West!” Brian replies.

“Stephanie? Brian?” Mark mutters, still trying to wake up. “What troubles you?”

“It’s Slug!” Stephanie whimpers. “He has forsaken us! The Gods of Corporate have promoted him to Local Manager, and his new position and power have clearly gone to his head! I fear he has hired a consulting firm to conduct the dreaded Annual Review!!”

“GASP!” The Lenghornians collectively breathe in disbelief.

“This can’t be!” Ashli, Queen of the House of Back shouts. “Slug pledged his allegiance to us, promising to never abuse his managerial powers!”

“I’m afraid it is so.” Brian sadly states. “Our trusted companion has been wooed by the powers of authority.”

“What ever will we do? We just gained our freedom no less than a year ago!” Pip, the petite host that everyone always secretly checks out exclaims.

“We will fight.” Mike says, darkly. “We cannot allow the progress we have made to be undone. “If we must besiege the Tower of Management again, then so be it!”

“But Mike!” Nela, the Bosnian server exclaims. “The last time we assaulted the tower we destroyed so many of the boots!”

“BOOTHS, my fair lady!” Mike says. “It is pronounced booths! Whenever shall you be rid of your cute, charming accent?”

“I do not know!” Nela cries. “But we must make sure we do not harm the boots this time!”

“It is true.” Blake the Knowledgable says. “We must keep the booths in good condition for our patrons, or else the entire realm will be of no worth.”

“Aye.” Mark says. “Then it is decided! We shall protect the freedom we fought for by ousting Slug, the Recently Promoted! We will then intervene and stop the dreaded Annual Review!”

“Huzzah!” The Lenghornians cheer, collectively acknowledging that they’re in for another fight.

Chapter 3

“Fools!”

High atop the Tower of Management, Slug and Kelsey plot their sinister plan.

“Muahahaha!” Slug cackles. “The Lenghornians are so concerned about the consulting firm I have hired! Little do they know that the Annual Review is nothing but a cover for the REAL leverage to be rid of them – the Guest Satisfaction Survey!!! Muahahahahaha!!!”

“Yes,” Kelsey sneers. “The Guest Satisfaction Survey reveals ALL of their weaknesses!! Finally we will have an unbiased opinion of each and every one of our subordinates! Muahahaha!”

“It is so.” Slug says. “Once we have an unbiased opinion of our servers, we can then begin getting rid of those that do not add value to the restaurant. And we will finally know who among them people actually like and dislike! MUAHAHAHA!!!!”

“Yes, indeed.” Kelsey says. “But alas, this is sure to piss off many of our employees! For no one actually likes to hear the truth!”

“Nay.” Slug replies. “The truth is something that so many attempt to avoid. But fear not, for using the Guest Satisfaction Survey gives us the ability to pretend that we say the guests are wrong and unreasonable when we read them, when in reality we actually agree with most of what they say!”

“This is a sinister plot, indeed.” Kelsey says. “Clearly you have thought this through.”

“I have.” Slug says. “These servers shall besiege us, but will be greeted with an onslaught of truth that they cannot handle! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

“But who will be revealed as good, and who will be revealed as bad?” Kelsey asks.

“It is uncertain, as of now.” Slug says. “But the next few days will be telling, of that I am sure.”

“Alas! It is my hope that this survey shall unite the servers, quelling their menial problems with each other and allowing them to actually get along without the need to gossip!”

“Yes,” Slug sneers. “They shall be united. Under MY rule! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!”

Chapter 4

Deciding to reconvene in the morning after returning to their slumber, the Lenghornian servers regroup in their village’s town hall, located in the small breezeway just before the restrooms.

“Citizens!” Mike shouts, “Are we all present?”

“Ask Carly the Cute,” Chris, the Uplifter of Moods says. “She’s the one at the host stand with the roster.”

“Aye, you are correct.” Mike says, nodding his head. “Carly! Who among our esteemed co-workers is in absentia?!”

“It seems as if we’re all here.” The beautiful brunette says. “Except for Xavier the Unicorn. I haven’t seen him for days.”

“Alas,” Mark interjects. “I believe Xavier is still on his quest to refill his Bladder of Rejuvenation. It must have taken a lot out of him to resurrect me…no pun intended, of course.”

Suddenly, a loud gallop can be heard from the hillside as a majestic rainbow unicorn charges toward the group.

“My friends, I have returned! And behold, Alexis, Peaceful Witch of the Northlands has granted me a bladder upgrade!! I now carry the inventory space to bring TWO of our fallen back from beyond the veil!”

“Huzzah!” The Lenghornians exclaim in unison.

“Quickly!” Blake shouts. “Retrieve the remaining bodies from The Battle for Free Servitude so we can breathe life into two of them!”

“Uhhhh yeah…about dat.” Nader the Egyptian Swiftwalker says. “I sort of burned ‘zem.”

GASP!

“But Nader! Why would you ever do such a thing?!” Asks Christina, the foxy food runner.

“I deed not mean to!” He replies. “I was burning ‘ze ice in the dink station because I accidentally broke ‘ze glasses in there. I did not realize we had dumped ‘ze bodies in to preserve ‘zem!”

“Holy Hawiian salmon!” Blake yells, slapping his palm on his forehead. “This is terrible news!”

“Actually,” Connee the Fairy says, shrugging her shoulders. “It’s really not that big a deal. I don’t even remember who all died anyway, to be honest.”

“True.” Blake says. “Connee is right. Back to the topic at hand!”

“Aye!” Mike says. “As I was saying, it is good we are all present. For there is a quest we must embark on if we are to besiege the Tower of Management again!”

“Please, tell us of this quest!” Pip the Pretty shouts.

“Alas,” Mike begins. “The ancient Scrolls of Used Server Pads speak of a pair of siege weapons, located in a land far to the East which will surely grant us victory against Slug and his minions.”

“You mean the icy Lands of the Chest?!” Ashli the Fairy asks. “But no one has returned from there alive since Grandfather Richard refilled the beer cooler ages ago! It must have been centuries since then!!”

“I fear you are correct, Ashli. For the chest is protected by many obstacles, such as the treacherous Shelfs of Sweet Potatoes and the boiling-hot Steamer of Soups. But alas, we have no choice, for we must obtain these weapons to triumph over evil!” Mike asserts.

Nervously looking around, the servers glance at one another, wondering which brave hero will volunteer for the deadly mission. Finally, after several minutes of silence, one courageous man steps forth.

“Fear not, my friends! For I shall accept this quest for the good of the realm!”

“Oh Bobby!” The female servers woo. “You are so brave!”

“It is but my duty.” He says. “Mike, tell me of these weapons you speak!”

Looking up at him, Mike’s face slowly fades into a smile. “Bobby, my friend.” He says with a hand on his shoulder. “You must retrieve the legendary Crouton Catapult and Battering Ham!! Slug’s defenses will be no match for the power of these beautiful instruments of death!”

“Then it is decided!” Bobby shouts, lacing up his apron armor. “Alas, where is my faithful steed?!”

“I am here, my love!” Norman the valiant steed says, approaching him. “But we must make haste! If we are to reach the Icy Lands of the Chest in time to stop Slug, you must ride me long and hard all the way until we reach the East!”

“But of course! I shall ride you longer and harder than ever before! Come, we must depart!!” Bobby the Strong says, aggressively riding Norman into the sunrise.

“HUZZAH!!!!” The Lenghornians loudly cheer.

Chapter 5

“Thank you my love. That was the best ride you’ve ever granted me.”

Unsaddling his beautiful steed Norman, Bobby the Bold unsheathes his steak knife, preparing to scale the glacial mountains littering the Chest of Ice. Making sure he’s packed the long rope of cloth napkins he fastened together, he begins his treacherous ascent to find the fabled siege weapons.

“Be careful my knight!” Norman neighs as he departs.

Slowly turning around with a look of courage he blows a kiss to his mate.

“I will, my sweet. Just remember to have sandwiches prepared upon my return, for I fear this will be an exhausting journey.”

“Of course, anything for you.” She says, brandishing several honey loaves of bread to begin preparing their delicious sandwiches.

Turning back to the glaciers, Bobby bravely treks forward. As he nears the apex of the first mountain, he sees the first obstacle he must overcome. Before him is a steep canyon with the next glacier hundreds of meters away. In between the two bodies of land lies several racks of frozen sweet potatoes, surely his only way to safely make it across.

Alright, he thinks to himself. Here goes nothing.

Gallantly leaping ahead, he lands on the first rack safely. Gradually leaping to the next rack, and then the next, he reaches the final sweet potatoes just before the next mountain. Realizing this jump is further than any before, he consolidates his inventory into a giant burlap sack, chucking it across to the land ahead. Taking a few steps back, he sprints forward and launches himself to the ledge, narrowly missing his target. Grasping the ledge with his right hand, he reaches into his pocket with his left, uncorking a large, red draught of strength, temporarily boosting his already muscled arms. Easily pulling himself up, he looks back down to the cavern below.

That was a close one, he thinks. I wonder what’s next.

Making his way forward, he eventually sees his next challenge – the boiling hot Steamer of Soups. The path beyond is a straight one, but the door to the soups seems to open periodically, blasting the path with piping hot steam, capable of instantly melting him into a pile of bones should he be caught in its midst. Hanging back for several minutes, he learns the pattern of blasts, quickly running past just as a burst of steam catches him on his burly buttcheeks. Looking back to make sure the mist didn’t melt his slightly skidmarked undergarments, he wipes the sweat from his brow.

Well, that was easier than I expected.

Just as he hoists his pack over his shoulder, he hears something crinkle from the cliffs above him.

No! He thinks. I knew it couldn’t be that easy!

Seeing a massive plastic bag of boiling hot tomato basil soup above him, he sprints ahead as the spaghettio-tasting liquid pours down, melting the ice behind him.

Phew! No wonder no one likes that stuff.

Collecting his thoughts, Bobby again treks forward, at last reaching the enormous chest of ice he’s been looking for. Seeing a conviently placed ice scoop laying nearby, he leaps into the chest and begins to chuck aside massive heaps of ice in hopes of unearthing the legendary items he seeks. Finally getting to the bottom, he sees them. Two brilliantly crafted weapons of war, right there before his own eyes. Quickly fastening his rope of cloth napkins around the devices, he hoists them out, looking down from the cliff behind the chest.

Well that sure worked out well. “Hey Norman!” He shouts. “Look up here!”

Realizing his quest had taken him straight to the top of the mountain he’d originally ridden up to, he begins lowering the siege engines down to his faithful steed. Tying the rope to one of the legs of the chest, he climbs down himself, attaching his loot to an empty chariot the pair had pulled along with them.

“What do you think, my love? Pretty impressive, huh?”

Just before she can answer and hand him his sandwich, Norman’s eyes light up.

“Bobby, my dear! Behind you!!!”

“Huh?” He asks in bewilderment.

Slowly turning around, a massive white troll leaps down from the cliffs above them.

“Not so fast!!” The troll grunts. “Those weapons are MINE!”

Wielding his steak knife, Bobby bravely steps in front of his booty.

“I don’t think so, Valerie! Just because the Gods of Corporate banished you here ages ago doesn’t mean these weapons belong to you!”

“We will see about that!” Valerie the Attractive Troll shouts. “Yah!!”

Charging forward, Valerie attempts to knock Bobby down with her brute force. Cleverly rolling aside, Bobby the Bold heaves his steak knife directly into her shapely buns, all the way until it breaches her trolly T spot.

“Noooo!!!!” She cries, falling over in defeat. “But I was beginning to enjoy tha….ahhhhhhh.” She moans as her spirit returns to the veil.

“My hero!!” Norman neighs, bowing down so Bobby can mount her.

“Alas!” He shouts. “Back to our companions! We have a battle to plan.”

Chapter 6 

Gallop gallop gallop

The evening after Bobby the Brave’s bold quest to obtain the legendary siege weapons, the servers are out tending their crops, peacefully awaiting his return.

“Do you hear something?” Christina asks Chris, as she hoes her crops of garlic grilled corn.

“I believe I do!” Chris responds, looking up and down at the Elvira outfit she’s wearing.

“Alas! It is Bobby!! He hath returned!!” Christina shouts, dropping the hoe.

“My friends!” Bobby shouts. “I have returned with the fabled siege weapons of old!”

Behind him, an enormous Battering Ham and Crouton Catapult can be seen, being toted by his faithful steed Norman.

Pant pant pant.

“My Lord Bobby, I’ve never been ridden so hard in my life!”

“Tis true, my lass, but lo! We are here!!”

“Huzzah!” The Lenghornians shout.

Flying into the middle of the field, Connee, Queen of the House of Front has the servers reconvene to present their new weapons of war.

“Servers!” She shouts. “Your champion hath returned with the fabled weapons of yesteryear!! Behold! The legendary Crouton Catapult and its destructive companion, The Battering Ham!!”

As Connee screams these inspiring words, Blake rolls out the enormous wooden wheeled pig to show to the Lenghornians. It’s the server equivalent of a battering ram (duh), and has a metal nose that’s surely capable of destroying any door put before it. Shaped like a pig, the servers hope the irony of having their gates knocked down by a piece of bacon will put the managers in their rightful place.

Slowly rolling behind the Battering Ham, the Crouton Catapult is being pulled by Xavier the Unicorn, who’s bladder has been upgraded to save THREE fallen servers.

“Don’t forget the Catapult, my friends!” He neighs, shoving his unicorn horn up Chris’s butt, making sure he makes haste.

“Huzzah!” The Lenghornians cheer. “Now we have the equipment to oust our oppressors!!”

Chapter 7

Deep, deep in the Tower of Management, there remains a sliver of silver that can be used to reforge the Chains of Meaningless Rules.

And reforged they shall be.

———-

“Kelsey! Come see what I have in store for our server subordinates!” Slug shouts, his voice echoing across the stone walls of the Tower of Management.

Holding a scroll of guest satisfaction surveys, Slug reveals the low score that some of the servers have received.

“Behold, Missprissy274@gmail.com says that Emily the Nice Buns failed to bring bread to her table in a timely manner! Surely this will serve as leverage in our attempts to oust her.” He says, creepily rubbing his hands together.

“You are right, Slug.” Kelsey sneers. “Her buns can only get her so far. At a certain point we must consider her true value as a server!”

“Yes, indeed.” Slug replies. “But alas, those are some hot crossed buns.”

“Hot crossed buns or not, we must focus on servability if we are to prevail! Do not let your Slugly desires cloud your judgment of the Lenghornians!” Kelsey shouts, obviously annoyed at Slug’s acknowledgment of Emily’s nice buns.

“Lo, you are right my dear.” Slug says, shaking his head. “I cannot allow her to use her Bun magic on me, as she has many men before. Thank you for your wisdom, my dear Kelsey.”

“Of course.” Kelsey says. “Now, we have important issues to discuss.”

“Then let us discuss them!” Slug shouts.

“Yes,” Kelsey says. “Discuss them we shall. I fear that the servers are incapable of handling a table of ten by themselves. We must pass a Declaration that states any party of 9 or more shall be split between TWO servers!”

“But Kelsey! What if that ends up complicating things?! Surely our servers are capable enough to handle such parties alone! For we do not hire Those Without Brains! After all, it might become confusing for the customers to deal with two servers, especially when they ask for extra ranch! They always assume the other server will obtain it and it ends up getting forgotten! And these errors always end up in us having to comp a meal!”

“It matters not, my dear Slug.” Kelsey says. “For this edict has been passed down by the reforging of the Chains of Meaningless Rules! Parties shall be split whether it makes sense or not!!”

GASP!!

“The Chains have been reforged?!” Slug asks.

“Yes.” Kelsey sneers. “And this time they are molded with an unbreakable adhesive. We have poured veggie butter over the links of the chain, allowing it to coagulate and mold into a bond stronger than ever before!! Muahahahahaha!!!”

“Incredible.” Slug says in awe. “You are a brilliant schemer indeed.” He adds, bowing before her. “I look forward to returning the servers to their rightful place.”

Cackling together, Slug and Kelsey retreat into the Tower to begin plotting their other schemes.

Chapter 8

“HO PLEASE!”

“Um, excuse me?” Asks Norman the Steed, looking up at Bobby with a grimace.

“Apologies, my love.” Bobby the Brave says. “For I meant Woah, please. As in Woah! We have arrived at our destination.”

Unsaddling his faithful steed, Bobby the Brave has arrived at the one place that will make certain that the Crouton Catapult and Battering Ham will be unstoppable: Cedric the Blacksmith’s.

As the pair approaches the stone bastions of Cedric’s keep, the smell of the legendary Keep’s Kush seeps through the open veins of his stone and mortar walls. The thick, grey mist can be seen wriggling it’s way out of the open windows littering the side of the edifice.

“My dear, breathe not the seepings of the Keep’s Kush, for it will render you useless.” Bobby says to his steed. “The bards tell of Cedric’s concoctions in their songs. They have the ability to make one forget entirely their task at hand, making them instead burst out in laughter at the most menial of things. Beware, my love.”

Nodding in acknowledgment, Norman carefully approaches the vast wooden door of Cedric’s keep. Being careful to tiptoe around the misty clouds of Kush smoke, the two bang on the front door, hoping to catch the blacksmiths attention. After several seconds of nothingness, Bobby becomes impatient, looking at the open window to the right of the wooden door, shouting inside.

“CEDRIC! IT IS I, BOBBY THE BRAVE!! WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE IN STRENGTHENING THESE LEGENDARY SEIGE WEAPONS!!”

Waiting for a response, Bobby and Norman stand at the front door, motionless. Its clear that no one has heard their call. Bobby tries once more.

“CEDRIC!!!! WE ARE IN NEED OF YOUR HELP!!!! PLE-”

“Wussup pimpin’?”

Out of nowhere, an incredibly relaxed, smiling face looks down at them from the open second floor window, interrupting Bobby.

“You need sumthin?”

Grinning, Bobby the Brave ties his steed to the post outside, then makes his way into Cedric’s keep.

“My friend! It has been ages since I last enjoyed your botanical offerings!” Bobby shouts as he climbs the stairs to join Cedric.

“Ages? Far too long my brotha. Bring it in, let’s get you right.” Cedric says, handing Bobby an enormous oblong, white paper with something green rolled on the inside.

“Alas!” Bobby shouts. “I would love to partake in your Keep’s Kush, but I have pressing matters to which I must attend!”

“Well dayum.” Cedric says. “What needs attending to?”

“The siege weapons I have stationed outside. I must use your forge to strengthen them. With the combined strength of your forge’s upgrades and the legendary forces still within, the Battering Ham and Crouton Catapult will be more than enough to destroy Slug’s oppressive regime. I have been told that he is attempting to corrupt poor Kelsey, and we must not allow that. We must oust him!!”

“You need to use my forge? You can forge allllllll you want, my brotha.” Cedric says, his eyes half open in a state of elation that only Keep Kush can provide.

“Many thanks, my friend.” Bobby says, making his way down to Cedric’s forge.

As Bobby reaches the bellows of Cedric’s Keep, he makes his way to the back of the room. Nestled in the corner is a large wooden door leading to the exterior of the keep, giving him access to the siege weapons he has brought with him. Opening the door, he hurries out to lead Norman and the weapons into the forge below.

“Hold it still, my love!” Bobby shouts, as he hammers into the nose of the Battering Ham.

Hours upon hours go by, until Bobby is drenched in sweat and unable to hammer anymore. Stepping back and viewing his work, he smiles at the gleaming steel tip of the Battering Ham and strengthened Crouton Catapult, which now is more like a T-Bone Trebuchet.

“Yes.” Bobby says, oozing with happiness. “These weapons will surely destroy anything Slug decides to put up. Quickly my love, back to the Lenghornians!”

Mounting Norman, Bobby makes his way back to the server village after thanking Cedric the blacksmith for his services.

Chapter 9

“What news from the West?”

Back in the Tower of Management, Kelsey asks Slug what his minions have discovered about the servers’ recent activities.”

“The simple-minded slaves think they are one step ahead of us. Fools!” Slug says, cackling to himself. “My faithful flying informants saw them uncovering the Battering Ham and Crouton Catapult of old! But they are weak, outdated machines. They will be no match for my strengthened walls!”

“Flying informants?” Kelsey asks. “However did your brainless cooks gain the ability of flight?”

“Twas easy, my dear Kelsey. I merely sewed chicken wings to their weak, spineless backs! They can now travel with haste wherever I bid! Muahahaha!!”

“You are a wise schemer indeed, my friend.” Kelsey says with admiration. “You will make a fine ruler once we rid ourselves of those weak-minded subordinates.”

“With you by my side, we can achieve anything!” Slug cackles.

“Tis true. But do not mistake my partnership for romance, my liege. For I am betrothed to the spirit of our fallen Local Manager.” Kelsey tells him with a sparkle in her eye.

“What is this you say?!” Slug exclaims. “The ghost of Slobert hath returned?”

“It is true, my dear.” Kelsey replies. “Ben the Bro has defected from the servers, as they have ousted him from their village for ignoring his side work. They would no longer bear the burden of performing his responsibilities whilst he spent time leaning on the wall sending ravens to innocent teenage girls he attempts to prey upon. He came to me with ancient wisdom stolen from the fairies, Connee and Ashley. I was able to use this stolen knowledge to raise my dear Slobert from the dead.”

“Lo! This is unfortunate, as I planned to crown you my Queen and perform unspeakable actions with you in my Keep’s chambers. But news of Slobert’s return is good, indeed. Perhaps I can use his ghostly apparition to strike fear into the Lenghornians hearts. They will surely bow to my will once they see I have spirits in my command.”

“A brilliant idea, my lord.” Kelsey cackles. “Come! I will lead you to my bedchambers where I have Slobert tucked away. We will inform him of our plans and unleash him upon the weaklings. They will never know what hit them.” She adds with a sinister smile.

“Yes. Come, my lady.” Slug says, winking at her to emphasize the dirty pun he just made.

Making haste for Kelsey’s bedchamber, an eerie wind blows to the West, foreshadowing the gloom they are about to release upon the village.

Chapter 10

“Behold! Cedric the Everhigh has strengthened our siege weapons of old!”

Returning to the village of servers, Bobby and Norman haul the Battering Ham and Crouton Catapult into the center of the town square.

“At last! They hath returned!” Pip the Well-Bodied cries in excitement. “Come servers, let us greet our champions!”

As the servers emerge from their (drinking) straw huts, they jump and cheer in excitement at the duo’s arrival. All joining in the square, Bobby unfastens the siege weapons from Norman’s shapely backside.

“With these, Slug’s forces will be outmatched with ease.” He says with a confident grin.

As the servers gather round to observe the two massive objects, a group of dark, ominously grey clouds blocks out the sun, casting a dark shadow over the village.

“Hmm,” Ashley the Fairy quietly says. “Strange weather approaches.” She says, squinting her eyes at the darkness.

“Strange weather, indeed.” Connee adds.

“Friends, let us not allow harmless clouds to rain on our parade! No pun intended, of course. For we have finally gained what we require to end Slug’s reign once and for all!” Bobby says cheerfully, putting his arms around the visibly frightened fairies.

“Huzzah!” The servers shout in unison.

As the villagers continue to admire their newly acquired weapons of war, a black mist manifests from the group of clouds, silently creeping toward the Earth. Distracted by their weapons, the mist takes the form of Slobert, the Local Manager who fell during the epic Battle of the Servers.

“My love! Behind you!” Norman the Steed shouts at her champion.

His eyes lighting up in fear, Bobby the Brave slowly turns to face the disgusting figure that has taken shape behind him. In one fell swoop, Slobert the Oppressor lunges forward, enveloping Bobby with his foul-smelling, black mist, sucking the life out of him. The servers gasp in horror as Bobby falls to the ground, pale and decrepit.

“NOOOOOO!!!!” Norman wails.

Approaching from the East, a flock of brainless cooks swoop over the village to admire the work that Slobert has done. Diving toward the servers, the villagers duck in fear as they franticly scatter to avoid the chicken winged minions.

“Teeheeheehee!!” The cooks cackle with high-pitched, obnoxious laughter. “You are all next!” They shout, flying away to report the success to Slug the Smelly.

As the gravely black figure ascends back into the clouds, the sky clears – casting a bright ray of light upon the decaying body of Bobby the Recently Departed.

As the servers gather around him in horror, Connee the fairy kneels down before him, attempting to spread her magical fairy dust to reanimate his lifeless corpse.

“Please, my friend,” Norman pleads. “You must save him!”

“Alas, my dear, I fear it is too late. Slobert’s magic is far too powerful.”

Collapsing in tears, Norman the Steed runs off toward the hills in the East in a fit of rage, clearly toward the Tower of Management to avenge her fallen hero.

“Norman! Come back!” Xavier the rainbow-laden Unicorn shouts after her. “I shall use my Urine of Revitalization to bring Bobby back from beyond the void!!”

Refusing to heed his directions, Norman speeds up, far out of sight of the servers.

“Alas, my friends,” Xavier says assuredly, “behold the power of my urine.”

Kneeling over Bobby’s body, Xavier squats down to allow his strawberry-scented stream to flow into the champion’s mouth. After stepping back to await his return from the void, Xavier grimaces in apprehension.

“Impossible!” He shouts. “It appears that my urine is not strong enough to undo that foul phantom’s magic either!”

Stepping back in remorse, the servers gasp as they realize their leader is lost to them for all eternity.

“Gasp!

“What are we going to do now?” Rachael the Hot Host innocently asks, kneeling down in defeat.

“We fight.” Stephanie the Slant Eyed bravely says, stepping forward to take the lead. Bending down to grasp the steak knife the Bobby wielded, she points it toward the East, signaling the battle that is surely to come.

“Huzzah!” The servers shout, their spirits lifted by Stephanie’s courage.

Lifting Bobby’s corpse to begin the burial proceedings, the servers collectively carry him towards the fabled Hill of Bodies, whose soil contains the remains of their most revered ancestors – paying him the respects he so rightfully has earned.

Chapter 11

“Teeheeheehee!!!!”

Approaching from the Western hills, the chicken-winged brainless cooks fly toward Slug’s Keep, nestled not far beyond his castle walls and the Tower of Management. Swooping in through an open stone window, they perch themselves on top of the banisters overlooking his bedchamber.

“My liege,” one of the cooks screeches. “Our quest is complete! Bobby the Burly has been felled, and is no more!”

“Exxxxcellent.” Slug sneers as he creepily rubs his hands together, staring out the window to the West. “Now the servers have no champion, and will surely crumble under their lack of leadership! Muahahaha!!”

Overhearing the sinister cackle from the Keep’s common area, Kelsey the Betrothed ascends the spiral staircase leading to Slug’s chamber.

“My lord,” she says. “I have caught wind of our victory from my dear Slobert. He has returned bearing news of Bobby’s return to beyond the void.”

“It is true, my dear whom I have a crush on but fear the repercussion of pursuing said crush. Bobby the Buttface has been ousted.”

“Wait, what?” Kelsey asks, caught off guard at Slug’s nonchalantly inserted statement.

“Silence!” Slug shouts, waving a dismissive hand. “See that you tend to Slobert, as I am sure his spirit is tired from his recent journey.”

“But my liege, I do not believe spirits are capable of experiencing fatigue! They have no body, after all.”

“Tend to him anyway!” Slug shouts again, raising his voice. “I must be left to my thoughts.” He grunts, jealously glancing at the small locket containing a portrait of Kelsey and her betrothed hanging from her necklace.

“Of course, my lord.” Kelsey sighs, bowing her head before exiting the room.

Turning to face the window again, Slug puts his hands behind his back as he stares back out toward the Western hills. Desperately wanting to enjoy the recent victory against the servers, he can’t help but picture his Slugly arms grasping the wonderful waist for which he so dearly longs. Just as his daydreams begin to reach a more sinister point, he notices a small figure manifest from beyond the hills. Squinting his eyes to better focus on the figure, he reaches to the table beside him to grab the conveniently placed monocular he has stashed for instances such as this. Stretching the monocle to its full length, he raises it to his eye to observe the approaching silhouette. To his horror, the lone figure gradually becomes dozens as he witnesses Stephanie the Sweet leading a battalion of servers toward the castle. Toted behind them are two enormous siege weapons, the likes of which he has never seen.

“Kelsey!” He shrieks, sprinting up the spiral staircase. “Quickly! To arms! Raise the alarm! The castle is under attack!!” He screams again, frantically flailing his arms around like a wacky inflatable tube-man.

As the brainless cooks obey the order and make their way toward the battlements, they begin arming the catapults and trebuchets. Slug, still flailing, retreats to his armory to adorn his apron breastplate and oven mitt gauntlets.

Taking a deep breath as finishes strapping them on, he draws a deep breath to prepare for what is to come.

“The battle is upon us.” He says to himself, calmly looking into a mirror at his Slugly reflection.

Entering the armory after overseeing the castle’s battle preparations, Kelsey slowly walks toward Slug, refastening his apron as she stands behind him.

“Lead us to victory, my Lord.” She whispers into his ear.

Stepping away from her to curb the tension in his loins felt from her close proximity, Slug turns to face her.

“But of course, my dear.” He says with a smug look of arrogance. “I will not fail. Unlike certain other local managers in the past, I am not a lesser man. The bards will sing songs of my greatness for ages to come.” He adds, clearly referring to Kelsey’s betrothed.

Opting to avoid the debate Kelsey decides to stroke Slug’s ego, hoping her encouragement will strengthen his resolve for the approaching battle.

“Of course, my liege. Your greatness is unparalleled.”

Taking one final deep breath, Slug looks toward the door.

“Come. Let us put a swift end to Stephanie the Squinted and her pathetic companions. I will end this war once and for all.”

Heading toward the battlements, Slug lets Kelsey walk ahead so as to observe her shapely buns.

Little does he know what lies ahead.

Chapter 12

“Servers! Notch your Silver Arrows of Ware! Fairies! Load croutons!!”

Pointing her steak knife toward the castle, Stephanie the Strong commands her legion of servers. Closing in on the walls protecting Slug’s domain and the Tower of Management, the Lenghornians have sliced through his outer defenses like a hot knife through butter. Darkening the sky with their silver arrows of ware, the hail of forks and knives falls upon the brainless cooks with impunity, ripping them to pieces. Massive croutons being launched by fairies Connee and Ashley are pummeling his walls, delivering the shock and awe anticipated by the improvements of Cedric the Everhigh.

“Behold!” Stephanie shouts, pointing her steak knife toward the tattered walls of Slug’s Keep, “the castle is falling!!”

“Quickly! We must scale the walls!” Mark the Rhythmic Resurrected says as he approaches a spot of the wall that has been destroyed by one of the large, garlic-laced croutons. “Where is Emily the Well-Bunned?!”

Suddenly, a break in the servers battalion reveals itself as a shapely woman walks forward, laying down before the wall.

Emily the Well Bunned has joined the fray, using her best ASSets to the Lenghornians advantage.

“Swiftly Lenghornians! We must use these buns to bounce ourselves over Slug’s defenses! We shall soon gain entry to his Keep!” Mark shouts, getting a running start before trampolining over the wall by jumping on Emily’s bouncy buns.

“Huzzah!” The other Lengnorians shout as they follow suit, bouncing themselves over the walls. Finally, approaching the massive wooden door to Slug’s Keep, Stephanie the Server stands atop the Battering Ham, ready to oust the oppressive manager before them.

“Slug!!” Stephanie shouts. “You are defeated! We have yet again washed away the Chains of Meaningless Rules!”

Peering down at the Lenghornians from his window, Slug shrieks as he makes a last ditch effort to defend his castle.

“Never!! For I still command the spirit of Slobert!” He shouts, beckoning the shadowed ghost of the local manager to attack.

“Neigh!!” Xavier the Unicorn screams. Using his teeth to lift a cover off of the wagon the unicorn has been pulling, Cedric the Everhigh suddenly leaps out with his bloodshot, baggy eyes and points his enormous Lenghornian Water Bong at the misty spirit. Just as it descends toward Stephanie the Strong, Cedric puts the bull shaped bong to his mouth and deeply inhales, sucking in the mist containing the spirit of Slobert, blowing him out in a puff of black, ghostly goodness – assuring his return to beyond the veil.

“NOOOO!!!!” Kelsey screams, entering the battle. “My love!!”

Dragging Slug out of his keep, Kelsey passionately holds Slug’s hand, seemingly wanting to plead for a compromise. Ever the level-headed one, she seems to practice wisdom well beyond her years.

Slowly looking up toward the emboldened faces of the oppressed Lenghornians, Kelsey takes a deep breath. For years she’s looked over them, making their schedules, cashing them out, and listening to their problems. She’s beginning to realize how important they all really are to her and how much they mean…but suddenly, out of nowhere…

BOOM!!!!

A massive garlic crouton can be seen on the horizon, launched by the legendary Crouton Catapult. As the enormous body of bread blocks the sun and blackens the sky, the pleading faces of Kelsey and Slug fade into faces of fear as it lands on top of them, crushing their bodies and sending their souls beyond the void.

“Oops.” Ashlee the Fairy says. “Must’ve forgotten to announce the halt.”

Flying back over the battlefield, she begins shouting at the faithful soldiers. “Servers, victory! Slug is no more!! You can stop with the croutons.” She adds with a laugh, peering back at Slugs garlicky crushed corpse.

“Alas!” Connee the Fairy asserts. “This humorously launched crouton has prevented any last words from Slug and his loyal companion. Perhaps it is for the best!”

“It is so!” Ashlee shouts, holding her wand before her.

“Lenghornians! Regroup in the town square. There is much to be discussed.”

Making their way toward the square, the Lenghornians happily begin singing songs of the battles before.

Epilogue

🎼🎤🎼

“Weelllllllll weeeee, fought for our soldiers,

And launched crouton boulders,

And freed our fair ladies,

And now we serve on our own!
Buuuutt wheeeen we sip on our Foldgers,

And put out the smoulders,

We knew it’d be easy,

And now we serve on our own!”

🎼🎤🎼

Back in the server village, Stephanie the Strong is standing on a table, ale in hand, singing songs that the bards have written in their memory. The epic battles that the servers have persevered through show just how strong the bonds between the villagers really are. They’ve shed blood, sweat, and extra ranch for one another, and will never forget the sacrifices they’ve all been forced to share.

As the Lenghornians gather in the village tavern, they all join in on the song Stephanie is leading…
“Aaaaand weeee smoked Sloberts Ghost,

With Cedric’s bong we will boast,

Then we found a unicorn,

And now we serve on our own!
Aaaaand we found a big ham,

Then we gave Slug a slam,

And cab ribs taste like spam,

And now we serve on our own!
Theeeeeeeeen Kelsey came along

And she tried to make calm

But got hit by croutons

And now we serve on our own!
Nowwwwww weeeee do what we want

Just like we all thought

And when they ask for our boss we say

We serve on our own!!!!”

THE END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

….or is it?

MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!