The Lenghornian Revolt Returns: Chapter 5

“Thank you my love. That was the best ride you’ve ever granted me.”

Unsaddling his beautiful steed Norman, Bobby the Bold unsheathes his steak knife, preparing to scale the glacial mountains littering the Chest of Ice. Making sure he’s packed the long rope of cloth napkins he fastened together, he begins his treacherous ascent to find the fabled siege weapons.

“Be careful my knight!” Norman neighs as he departs.

Slowly turning around with a look of courage he blows a kiss to his mate.

“I will, my sweet. Just remember to have sandwiches prepared upon my return, for I fear this will be an exhausting journey.”

“Of course, anything for you.” She says, brandishing several honey loaves of bread to begin preparing their delicious sandwiches.

Turning back to the glaciers, Bobby bravely treks forward. As he nears the apex of the first mountain, he sees the first obstacle he must overcome. Before him is a steep canyon with the next glacier hundreds of meters away. In between the two bodies of land lies several racks of frozen sweet potatoes, surely his only way to safely make it across.

Alright, he thinks to himself. Here goes nothing.

Gallantly leaping ahead, he lands on the first rack safely. Gradually leaping to the next rack, and then the next, he reaches the final sweet potatoes just before the next mountain. Realizing this jump is further than any before, he consolidates his inventory into a giant burlap sack, chucking it across to the land ahead. Taking a few steps back, he sprints forward and launches himself to the ledge, narrowly missing his target. Grasping the ledge with his right hand, he reaches into his pocket with his left, uncorking a large, red draught of strength, temporarily boosting his already muscled arms. Easily pulling himself up, he looks back down to the cavern below.

That was a close one, he thinks. I wonder what’s next.

Making his way forward, he eventually sees his next challenge – the boiling hot Steamer of Soups. The path beyond is a straight one, but the door to the soups seems to open periodically, blasting the path with piping hot steam, capable of instantly melting him into a pile of bones should he be caught in its midst. Hanging back for several minutes, he learns the pattern of blasts, quickly running past just as a burst of steam catches him on his burly buttcheeks. Looking back to make sure the mist didn’t melt his slightly skidmarked undergarments, he wipes the sweat from his brow.

Well, that was easier than I expected. 

Just as he hoists his pack over his shoulder, he hears something crinkle from the cliffs above him.

No! He thinks. I knew it couldn’t be that easy!

Seeing a massive plastic bag of boiling hot tomato basil soup above him, he sprints ahead as the spaghettio-tasting liquid pours down, melting the ice behind him.

Phew! No wonder no one likes that stuff.

Collecting his thoughts, Bobby again treks forward, at last reaching the enormous chest of ice he’s been looking for. Seeing a conviently placed ice scoop laying nearby, he leaps into the chest and begins to chuck aside massive heaps of ice in hopes of unearthing the legendary items he seeks. Finally getting to the bottom, he sees them. Two brilliantly crafted weapons of war, right there before his own eyes. Quickly fastening his rope of cloth napkins around the devices, he hoists them out, looking down from the cliff behind the chest.

Well that sure worked out well. “Hey Norman!” He shouts. “Look up here!”

Realizing his quest had taken him straight to the top of the mountain he’d originally ridden up to, he begins lowering the siege engines down to his faithful steed. Tying the rope to one of the legs of the chest, he climbs down himself, attaching his loot to an empty chariot the pair had pulled along with them.

“What do you think, my love? Pretty impressive, huh?”

Just before she can answer and hand him his sandwich, Norman’s eyes light up.

“Bobby, my dear! Behind you!!!”

“Huh?” He asks in bewilderment.

Slowly turning around, a massive white troll leaps down from the cliffs above them.

“Not so fast!!” The troll grunts. “Those weapons are MINE!”

Wielding his steak knife, Bobby bravely steps in front of his booty.

“I don’t think so, Valerie! Just because the Gods of Corporate banished you here ages ago doesn’t mean these weapons belong to you!”

“We will see about that!” Valerie the Attractive Troll shouts. “Yah!!”

Charging forward, Valerie attempts to knock Bobby down with her brute force. Cleverly rolling aside, Bobby the Bold heaves his steak knife directly into her shapely buns, all the way until it breaches her trolly T spot.

“Noooo!!!!” She cries, falling over in defeat. “But I was beginning to enjoy tha….ahhhhhhh.” She moans as her spirit returns to the veil.

“My hero!!” Norman neighs, bowing down so Bobby can mount her.

“Alas!” He shouts. “Back to our companions! We have a battle to plan.”


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