The Revolt Returns: 6

“Quesadilla! Why is there no salt on my swine?!”

Far to the East, the realm’s new manager Spam shouts at her brainless Chilian manservant. Despite her managerial commitment to Lenghorn, she has diabolically crafted an alter-ego which, in her spare time, she utilizes to control the activities of the Lenghornian’s rivals.

“Apologies, my liege,” the Chilian manservant says, tilting a salt shaker above the steaming boar’s head which Spam is ironically about to consume. Ironically, of course, because pork is in fact an ingredient of actual spam. 

“Hmmph. That is quite enough.” Spam asserts with a dismissive wave of her hand. “Off you go.”

Sneering at his salty contribution to his masters meal, Quesadilla slowly waddles his way out of the massive dining hall, leaving Spam to her own devices.

Mmmm grumble chew chomp pghlegm swallow

Having her fill with the remainder of the swine, Spam stands up and waltzes to the tower’s open balcony, looking out on the lands below. 

Ha! These stupid Lenghornians shall never know what hit them. She thinks to herself, creepily rubbing her hands together. They think they’re the only restaurant in town? Please. My Chilians will make mince meat of these weaklings.

Spam’s rise to power was no accident. After having Netflixed and chilled on many occasions, she has heard the Star Wars plot line play out on far too many occasions. She now knows all too well how Senator Palpatine disguised himself as the leader of the Republic, yet simultaneously led the Empire in the shadows as Darth Sidious, unbeknownst to all. She intends to use the very same tactics against the Lenghornians, cultivating a massive army within the Chilian empire to overtake the pathetic Lenghornian villagers. 

They’ll never know what hit them. 

Suddenly, a deep voice bellows from within the Tower stairwell.

“Spam! Our army is nearing completion. The Lenghornians shall all die!” The voice  shouts.

Swiveling to face the stairwell, Spam holds her hand out, beckoning the voice to present itself.

“Show yourself, General! You know I detest that which I cannot see!”

“Yes, my liege.” The deep voice says as a clicking sound manifests in the stairwell. Seconds later, a jacked hairy werewolf emerges, ducking under the stone doorway leading into Spam’s chamber.

“Ah, there you are.” Spam says, attempting to discern whether he should button one more button on his shirt or if she actually likes the small amount of chest hair that is revealed. 

“Tell me more of my army!” She demands.

“Yes, my liege.” Will the Wolf says. “The Chilians are coming along splendidly. They are as brainless and obedient as the Lenghornian cooks! Muahahaha!” He cackles. 

“Excellent.” Spam says as she adjusts the Lenghornian floor plan into a chaotic calamity of confusion. “Soon we will launch our offensive. No longer will we have to tell customers we don’t have chips and salsa. Muahahaha!”

“You are so wise, my liege.” Will says, bowing his hairy wolf head in respect as he subtly checks her out because he cannot resist a hot manager. “I shall ascertain that our forces are well prepared to destroy the weak Lenghornians.”

“See that you do.” Spam says, dismissing him.

Leaning over the balcony, Spam peers over her lands in anticipation of the battle to come. 

Time for your annual review, Lenghornians. Muahahahaha!!

The Revolt Returns: Ep 2

“WOAH Nelly!!”

Tugging the reigns of Norman the Steed, Dustin the Determined halts her beautiful backside at the entrance to the server village’s nearby Forest of Broccoli Florets.

“I told you not to call me that, Dustin.” Norman sneers, turning her head to grimace at the nervous rider.

“Oh, right…sorry. Norm. Er, Norma. I mean Normal. Gosh! I mean Norman.”

Rolling her sparkling horsey eyes, she kneels so Dustin can unsaddle her.

“Alrighty, off you go then.” She says as she Begins galloping her way back to the village. “Good luck!”

Gallop gallop gallop.

Glancing down as he dusts himself off, Dustin looks back up to the tree line ahead and shrugs his shoulders.

“Well, I guess it’s just me and you then buddy.”

“Looks like it! Let’s go find those colors, shall we?” Dustin replies to himself.

Briskly strolling forward he enters the dark, shadowy forest as a group of will-o-the-wisps begin to stir from the branches above.

Shhhhhh “whothehellisthisrandom” shhhhhhh 

They softly whisper to each other as they flutter about; their wings hissing in the wind.

Shhhhh “idunnobuthesortoflookslikehanniballector” shhhhh

They continue whispering, keeping their watchful eyes on the newcomer as he struts into their domain. Briefly sneaking a peek at the wisps from the corner of his eye, Dustin ignores them as he pulls a monocle out of his leather tunic’s pocket. Placing it over his eye, he adjusts it so he can focus on the path ahead.

“Alrighty.” He whispers to himself. “The fairies Ashli and Connee said this lens will highlight any Unicorn parts if I pass by them. Hopefully those colors are close by.”

“I sure hope so.” He replies.

Tiptoeing his way deeper into the woods, Dustin nervously rubs his hands together as the wisps settle back into the branches. Darkness lies ahead, and his courage will surely be tested in the trials to come.

The Revolt Returns: Ep 1

“It cannot be so!”

High atop the hills overlooking the Lenghornian Village of Servers, Cedric the Everhigh gasps as he hears news that Xavier the Unicorn’s coat has lost it’s color.

“Its true!” Wails Rachel, the Host Who Must Not Be Flirted With For Fear of Boyfriendly Retribution. “I just saw him gulping water by the oasis, his coat was completely gray!” She cries.

“This is unacceptable!” Cedric shouts as he exhales a cloud of Keep Kush, stimulating the olfactory senses of his counterpart. “Without his colors, Xavier’s urine will no longer be able to resurrect our fallen heroes! We must commission a team of scouts to regain our rainbow unicorn’s color!”

“Yes, we must!” Rachel says, nodding in agreement.

“Come, we must make the announcement.” Cedric asserts, beckoning Rachel to follow.

As the pair descend the hill and make their way into the center of the Village, Rachel begins to bang on the doors of her co-workers.

“Guys! Town Meeting! We have something we need to tell everyone!”

Wiping their eyes as they emerge from their plastic straw huts, the servers congregate in the center of the Village. Unsure of what’s going on, they group around the recently erected statue commemorating the Battle for Free Servitude – when the District Manager was sprinkled with Prairie Dust and transformed into a chocolate dessert, ushering the dawn of the New Age.

Nudging him to the front of the group, Rachel tells Cedric to share the news.

“What up folks? Big deal here.” Cedric begins. “Listen, we got a problem. Our boy has lost his colors.” He says, pointing across the grassy meadow at the plain gray unicorn peacefully sipping the water cascading from the oasis’ small waterfall. “Ain’t no idea how this shit happened, but it happened. And we need to get them back. Cause you all know what dude’s wiener water can do to those who get themselves kilt. Plus, he’s done a lot for us, so we owe it to him.”

“How could this be?!” Asks Connee the Fairy. “Xavier’s flow is the only way to bring back our departed from beyond the Veil!”

“That’s right!” Cedric exclaims. “So we need to get the colors back. Who’s down to go?” He asks, panning the group.

*Blank stares and blinking eyes as heads slowly turn toward Dustin*

“Ugh, seriously guys? Why does everyone always make me do the stuff no one else wants to do?” Asks Dustin the Frequently Undermined, as he looks at his fellow servers with disdain. “Whatever. I’ll freakin’ do it. But someone else is doing my side work tonight.”

“Great!” Brittany the Buff cheers. “But where will you begin your search?”

“I don’t know.” Dustin says. “You know, maybe I’ll start by the oak trees. Or maybe not. I don’t know. But maybe I will. You know, the oak trees probably have colors somewhere, cause like, the leaves are green, right? Green’s a color. And that’s what we need. Colors. Like the ones on the rainbow. Rainbows have all the colors. Sometimes I think it’d be cool to ski on a rainbow. And then”

“DUSTIN!” Rachel shouts.

“What?” He responds.

“Find Xavier’s colors.”

“On it.” Dustin says.

Off he rides, saddling Norman, the ever faithful steed as they gallop toward the oak trees to begin their quest. Uncertainty hovers over the horizon, for there have been whispers of a new village uprising far to the North. One thing is for sure, however: fate has much planned for our hero, Dustin the Determined.

Sneak Peak at a New Character in Continuity: Coalition

His name is Jacob Sellars. Below is an excerpt from one of the paragraphs that describes him. I really want to provoke the deep, visceral thoughts that we all have with this story and it’s characters. Touching taboo topics is sometimes a necessary thing if we want to achieve progress. Humanity needs an awakening.

“Knowing this is only a temporary takeoff which will connect them with their trans-continental flight, Jacob doesn’t bother putting a helmet on. Instead, he settles himself in the front seat of the cockpit, putting ear buds in as he listens to his iPod. Jacob never did obtain the battle-hardened psyche that many of his brother-in-arms developed throughout their time in service. Anytime he takes a life, he internalizes the grief and anguish that he knows his victim’s family assuredly feels upon gaining word of their loss. Despite the extensive training, despite the constant reassurance from his peers, and despite the hatred he sees in his enemies’ eyes, he’s never been able to fully detach himself from the fact that he is taking a human life every time he successfully pulls that trigger. The previous night has left him significantly distraught, something from which he will undoubtedly need much time to recover.”

The Lenghornian Revolt: The Full Second Sequence

Chapter 1

“Can you believe it’s been eleven months since the Battle for Free Servitude?”

Peacefully plowing her fields of terrible-tasting seasonal carrots, Stephanie the server comments to her co-worker, Brian the Frequently Requested, about how quickly time has passed since the epic liberation from their oppressive managers.

“It’s hard to.” Brian replies. “It seems like only yesterday that we were waiting hours just to have our final checkouts run. Now we can run them ourselves, free and without the stress of having to ask fifteen times.”

“Aye,” Stephanie replies. “It is a glorious feeling, indeed.”

As the pair shuffle over to tend their crops of obligatory lunch chips that hardly anyone ever eats, they hear rushed footsteps approaching them in the distance. Laying down their spatula scythes, they squint their eyes to view the strong, burly cook who is frantically running toward them.

“Bobby!” Stephanie wails, catching him as he collapses into her arms. “What troubles you?”

“My friends!” He shouts, panting as he catches his breath. “I have just returned from the stenchy Lands of Waste Disposal just outside of our restaurant, disgustingly located where we all must linger in the morning for unreasonable lengths of time whilst we wait for the locked gates to open!”

“No wonder you have discarded lettuce on your shoes.” Brian quips.

“This is no time for jest, my friend.” Bobby wheezes. “For I have caught wind of treachery and deceit stirring in the West!”

Instantly understanding the gravity of the situation, Stephanie and Brian gasp.

“No!” They exclaim. “What treachery dost thou speak of?”

“It is Slug.” He responds. “I fear the Gods of Corporate have hired an outside consulting firm, who have used their magic to brainwash them into promoting him to the position of Local Manager – a position we Lenghornians fought so valiantly to eliminate!”

“Holy Rack of Ribs!” Stephanie shouts. “This is terrible news!”

“Whatever will we do?!” Brian asks.

“I know not.” Stephanie answers. “But alas, we must act. We cannot allow Slug to reforge the Chains of Meaningless Rules.”

Finally regaining his breath, Bobby removes his hands from his strong, firm quadriceps and stands up straight.

“My friends, I fear that reforging the Chains of Meanlingless Rules may be the least of our worries. For I also caught wind the Slug wields an item far more dangerous than they. One that doesn’t even take up valuable space in his inventory.”

“Blasphemy!” Brian asserts. “Nothing in the realm could be more oppressive than those Chains! Especially something that carries zero burden!”

“My friend,” Bobby says as he places a hand on his shoulders. “You must have forgotten the tales of old we were told long ago, back when we were but mere trainees.”

“What tales?” Stephanie asks, adding to the suspense.

“The tales of the Annual Review.” Bobby grimly replies. “You must have forgotten that the results of the Annual Review may be used as leverage to be rid of us as servers, once and for all!”

“Nay!” Stephanie screams, biting her nails. “I thought they were only conducted once in a generation!”

“That time, I fear, is upon us.” Bobby says. “Come, we must warn the others.” He says, grabbing the pair as he leads them toward the restaurant.

Chapter 2

“We must make haste!”

Hurriedly rushing through the grassy hills overlooking of the House of Front, Stephanie and Brian are sweating from their long trek.

“I’m running as fast as I can!” Brian shouts at Stephanie.

As they finally make it to the peaceful village where the servers hang their aprons at night, the pair begins shouting in the middle of the cobblestone streets to warn them of the terrible news.

“My friends! You must awaken! There is trouble brewing in the West!” They yell, holding the wet floor cones that no one ever pays attention to over their mouths so they can project their voices.

One by one, the confused servers begin to exit their huts and wipe their tired eyes as the bright Moon shines down on them, illuminating their silhouettes along the dark street.

“Trouble brews on the Jessica West?” Johnny quietly asks.

“No! The actual West!” Brian replies.

“Stephanie? Brian?” Mark mutters, still trying to wake up. “What troubles you?”

“It’s Slug!” Stephanie whimpers. “He has forsaken us! The Gods of Corporate have promoted him to Local Manager, and his new position and power have clearly gone to his head! I fear he has hired a consulting firm to conduct the dreaded Annual Review!!”

“GASP!” The Lenghornians collectively breathe in disbelief.

“This can’t be!” Ashli, Queen of the House of Back shouts. “Slug pledged his allegiance to us, promising to never abuse his managerial powers!”

“I’m afraid it is so.” Brian sadly states. “Our trusted companion has been wooed by the powers of authority.”

“What ever will we do? We just gained our freedom no less than a year ago!” Pip, the petite host that everyone always secretly checks out exclaims.

“We will fight.” Mike says, darkly. “We cannot allow the progress we have made to be undone. “If we must besiege the Tower of Management again, then so be it!”

“But Mike!” Nela, the Bosnian server exclaims. “The last time we assaulted the tower we destroyed so many of the boots!”

“BOOTHS, my fair lady!” Mike says. “It is pronounced booths! Whenever shall you be rid of your cute, charming accent?”

“I do not know!” Nela cries. “But we must make sure we do not harm the boots this time!”

“It is true.” Blake the Knowledgable says. “We must keep the booths in good condition for our patrons, or else the entire realm will be of no worth.”

“Aye.” Mark says. “Then it is decided! We shall protect the freedom we fought for by ousting Slug, the Recently Promoted! We will then intervene and stop the dreaded Annual Review!”

“Huzzah!” The Lenghornians cheer, collectively acknowledging that they’re in for another fight.

Chapter 3

“Fools!”

High atop the Tower of Management, Slug and Kelsey plot their sinister plan.

“Muahahaha!” Slug cackles. “The Lenghornians are so concerned about the consulting firm I have hired! Little do they know that the Annual Review is nothing but a cover for the REAL leverage to be rid of them – the Guest Satisfaction Survey!!! Muahahahahaha!!!”

“Yes,” Kelsey sneers. “The Guest Satisfaction Survey reveals ALL of their weaknesses!! Finally we will have an unbiased opinion of each and every one of our subordinates! Muahahaha!”

“It is so.” Slug says. “Once we have an unbiased opinion of our servers, we can then begin getting rid of those that do not add value to the restaurant. And we will finally know who among them people actually like and dislike! MUAHAHAHA!!!!”

“Yes, indeed.” Kelsey says. “But alas, this is sure to piss off many of our employees! For no one actually likes to hear the truth!”

“Nay.” Slug replies. “The truth is something that so many attempt to avoid. But fear not, for using the Guest Satisfaction Survey gives us the ability to pretend that we say the guests are wrong and unreasonable when we read them, when in reality we actually agree with most of what they say!”

“This is a sinister plot, indeed.” Kelsey says. “Clearly you have thought this through.”

“I have.” Slug says. “These servers shall besiege us, but will be greeted with an onslaught of truth that they cannot handle! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

“But who will be revealed as good, and who will be revealed as bad?” Kelsey asks.

“It is uncertain, as of now.” Slug says. “But the next few days will be telling, of that I am sure.”

“Alas! It is my hope that this survey shall unite the servers, quelling their menial problems with each other and allowing them to actually get along without the need to gossip!”

“Yes,” Slug sneers. “They shall be united. Under MY rule! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!”

Chapter 4

Deciding to reconvene in the morning after returning to their slumber, the Lenghornian servers regroup in their village’s town hall, located in the small breezeway just before the restrooms.

“Citizens!” Mike shouts, “Are we all present?”

“Ask Carly the Cute,” Chris, the Uplifter of Moods says. “She’s the one at the host stand with the roster.”

“Aye, you are correct.” Mike says, nodding his head. “Carly! Who among our esteemed co-workers is in absentia?!”

“It seems as if we’re all here.” The beautiful brunette says. “Except for Xavier the Unicorn. I haven’t seen him for days.”

“Alas,” Mark interjects. “I believe Xavier is still on his quest to refill his Bladder of Rejuvenation. It must have taken a lot out of him to resurrect me…no pun intended, of course.”

Suddenly, a loud gallop can be heard from the hillside as a majestic rainbow unicorn charges toward the group.

“My friends, I have returned! And behold, Alexis, Peaceful Witch of the Northlands has granted me a bladder upgrade!! I now carry the inventory space to bring TWO of our fallen back from beyond the veil!”

“Huzzah!” The Lenghornians exclaim in unison.

“Quickly!” Blake shouts. “Retrieve the remaining bodies from The Battle for Free Servitude so we can breathe life into two of them!”

“Uhhhh yeah…about dat.” Nader the Egyptian Swiftwalker says. “I sort of burned ‘zem.”

GASP!

“But Nader! Why would you ever do such a thing?!” Asks Christina, the foxy food runner.

“I deed not mean to!” He replies. “I was burning ‘ze ice in the dink station because I accidentally broke ‘ze glasses in there. I did not realize we had dumped ‘ze bodies in to preserve ‘zem!”

“Holy Hawiian salmon!” Blake yells, slapping his palm on his forehead. “This is terrible news!”

“Actually,” Connee the Fairy says, shrugging her shoulders. “It’s really not that big a deal. I don’t even remember who all died anyway, to be honest.”

“True.” Blake says. “Connee is right. Back to the topic at hand!”

“Aye!” Mike says. “As I was saying, it is good we are all present. For there is a quest we must embark on if we are to besiege the Tower of Management again!”

“Please, tell us of this quest!” Pip the Pretty shouts.

“Alas,” Mike begins. “The ancient Scrolls of Used Server Pads speak of a pair of siege weapons, located in a land far to the East which will surely grant us victory against Slug and his minions.”

“You mean the icy Lands of the Chest?!” Ashli the Fairy asks. “But no one has returned from there alive since Grandfather Richard refilled the beer cooler ages ago! It must have been centuries since then!!”

“I fear you are correct, Ashli. For the chest is protected by many obstacles, such as the treacherous Shelfs of Sweet Potatoes and the boiling-hot Steamer of Soups. But alas, we have no choice, for we must obtain these weapons to triumph over evil!” Mike asserts.

Nervously looking around, the servers glance at one another, wondering which brave hero will volunteer for the deadly mission. Finally, after several minutes of silence, one courageous man steps forth.

“Fear not, my friends! For I shall accept this quest for the good of the realm!”

“Oh Bobby!” The female servers woo. “You are so brave!”

“It is but my duty.” He says. “Mike, tell me of these weapons you speak!”

Looking up at him, Mike’s face slowly fades into a smile. “Bobby, my friend.” He says with a hand on his shoulder. “You must retrieve the legendary Crouton Catapult and Battering Ham!! Slug’s defenses will be no match for the power of these beautiful instruments of death!”

“Then it is decided!” Bobby shouts, lacing up his apron armor. “Alas, where is my faithful steed?!”

“I am here, my love!” Norman the valiant steed says, approaching him. “But we must make haste! If we are to reach the Icy Lands of the Chest in time to stop Slug, you must ride me long and hard all the way until we reach the East!”

“But of course! I shall ride you longer and harder than ever before! Come, we must depart!!” Bobby the Strong says, aggressively riding Norman into the sunrise.

“HUZZAH!!!!” The Lenghornians loudly cheer.

Chapter 5

“Thank you my love. That was the best ride you’ve ever granted me.”

Unsaddling his beautiful steed Norman, Bobby the Bold unsheathes his steak knife, preparing to scale the glacial mountains littering the Chest of Ice. Making sure he’s packed the long rope of cloth napkins he fastened together, he begins his treacherous ascent to find the fabled siege weapons.

“Be careful my knight!” Norman neighs as he departs.

Slowly turning around with a look of courage he blows a kiss to his mate.

“I will, my sweet. Just remember to have sandwiches prepared upon my return, for I fear this will be an exhausting journey.”

“Of course, anything for you.” She says, brandishing several honey loaves of bread to begin preparing their delicious sandwiches.

Turning back to the glaciers, Bobby bravely treks forward. As he nears the apex of the first mountain, he sees the first obstacle he must overcome. Before him is a steep canyon with the next glacier hundreds of meters away. In between the two bodies of land lies several racks of frozen sweet potatoes, surely his only way to safely make it across.

Alright, he thinks to himself. Here goes nothing.

Gallantly leaping ahead, he lands on the first rack safely. Gradually leaping to the next rack, and then the next, he reaches the final sweet potatoes just before the next mountain. Realizing this jump is further than any before, he consolidates his inventory into a giant burlap sack, chucking it across to the land ahead. Taking a few steps back, he sprints forward and launches himself to the ledge, narrowly missing his target. Grasping the ledge with his right hand, he reaches into his pocket with his left, uncorking a large, red draught of strength, temporarily boosting his already muscled arms. Easily pulling himself up, he looks back down to the cavern below.

That was a close one, he thinks. I wonder what’s next.

Making his way forward, he eventually sees his next challenge – the boiling hot Steamer of Soups. The path beyond is a straight one, but the door to the soups seems to open periodically, blasting the path with piping hot steam, capable of instantly melting him into a pile of bones should he be caught in its midst. Hanging back for several minutes, he learns the pattern of blasts, quickly running past just as a burst of steam catches him on his burly buttcheeks. Looking back to make sure the mist didn’t melt his slightly skidmarked undergarments, he wipes the sweat from his brow.

Well, that was easier than I expected.

Just as he hoists his pack over his shoulder, he hears something crinkle from the cliffs above him.

No! He thinks. I knew it couldn’t be that easy!

Seeing a massive plastic bag of boiling hot tomato basil soup above him, he sprints ahead as the spaghettio-tasting liquid pours down, melting the ice behind him.

Phew! No wonder no one likes that stuff.

Collecting his thoughts, Bobby again treks forward, at last reaching the enormous chest of ice he’s been looking for. Seeing a conviently placed ice scoop laying nearby, he leaps into the chest and begins to chuck aside massive heaps of ice in hopes of unearthing the legendary items he seeks. Finally getting to the bottom, he sees them. Two brilliantly crafted weapons of war, right there before his own eyes. Quickly fastening his rope of cloth napkins around the devices, he hoists them out, looking down from the cliff behind the chest.

Well that sure worked out well. “Hey Norman!” He shouts. “Look up here!”

Realizing his quest had taken him straight to the top of the mountain he’d originally ridden up to, he begins lowering the siege engines down to his faithful steed. Tying the rope to one of the legs of the chest, he climbs down himself, attaching his loot to an empty chariot the pair had pulled along with them.

“What do you think, my love? Pretty impressive, huh?”

Just before she can answer and hand him his sandwich, Norman’s eyes light up.

“Bobby, my dear! Behind you!!!”

“Huh?” He asks in bewilderment.

Slowly turning around, a massive white troll leaps down from the cliffs above them.

“Not so fast!!” The troll grunts. “Those weapons are MINE!”

Wielding his steak knife, Bobby bravely steps in front of his booty.

“I don’t think so, Valerie! Just because the Gods of Corporate banished you here ages ago doesn’t mean these weapons belong to you!”

“We will see about that!” Valerie the Attractive Troll shouts. “Yah!!”

Charging forward, Valerie attempts to knock Bobby down with her brute force. Cleverly rolling aside, Bobby the Bold heaves his steak knife directly into her shapely buns, all the way until it breaches her trolly T spot.

“Noooo!!!!” She cries, falling over in defeat. “But I was beginning to enjoy tha….ahhhhhhh.” She moans as her spirit returns to the veil.

“My hero!!” Norman neighs, bowing down so Bobby can mount her.

“Alas!” He shouts. “Back to our companions! We have a battle to plan.”

Chapter 6 

Gallop gallop gallop

The evening after Bobby the Brave’s bold quest to obtain the legendary siege weapons, the servers are out tending their crops, peacefully awaiting his return.

“Do you hear something?” Christina asks Chris, as she hoes her crops of garlic grilled corn.

“I believe I do!” Chris responds, looking up and down at the Elvira outfit she’s wearing.

“Alas! It is Bobby!! He hath returned!!” Christina shouts, dropping the hoe.

“My friends!” Bobby shouts. “I have returned with the fabled siege weapons of old!”

Behind him, an enormous Battering Ham and Crouton Catapult can be seen, being toted by his faithful steed Norman.

Pant pant pant.

“My Lord Bobby, I’ve never been ridden so hard in my life!”

“Tis true, my lass, but lo! We are here!!”

“Huzzah!” The Lenghornians shout.

Flying into the middle of the field, Connee, Queen of the House of Front has the servers reconvene to present their new weapons of war.

“Servers!” She shouts. “Your champion hath returned with the fabled weapons of yesteryear!! Behold! The legendary Crouton Catapult and its destructive companion, The Battering Ham!!”

As Connee screams these inspiring words, Blake rolls out the enormous wooden wheeled pig to show to the Lenghornians. It’s the server equivalent of a battering ram (duh), and has a metal nose that’s surely capable of destroying any door put before it. Shaped like a pig, the servers hope the irony of having their gates knocked down by a piece of bacon will put the managers in their rightful place.

Slowly rolling behind the Battering Ham, the Crouton Catapult is being pulled by Xavier the Unicorn, who’s bladder has been upgraded to save THREE fallen servers.

“Don’t forget the Catapult, my friends!” He neighs, shoving his unicorn horn up Chris’s butt, making sure he makes haste.

“Huzzah!” The Lenghornians cheer. “Now we have the equipment to oust our oppressors!!”

Chapter 7

Deep, deep in the Tower of Management, there remains a sliver of silver that can be used to reforge the Chains of Meaningless Rules.

And reforged they shall be.

———-

“Kelsey! Come see what I have in store for our server subordinates!” Slug shouts, his voice echoing across the stone walls of the Tower of Management.

Holding a scroll of guest satisfaction surveys, Slug reveals the low score that some of the servers have received.

“Behold, Missprissy274@gmail.com says that Emily the Nice Buns failed to bring bread to her table in a timely manner! Surely this will serve as leverage in our attempts to oust her.” He says, creepily rubbing his hands together.

“You are right, Slug.” Kelsey sneers. “Her buns can only get her so far. At a certain point we must consider her true value as a server!”

“Yes, indeed.” Slug replies. “But alas, those are some hot crossed buns.”

“Hot crossed buns or not, we must focus on servability if we are to prevail! Do not let your Slugly desires cloud your judgment of the Lenghornians!” Kelsey shouts, obviously annoyed at Slug’s acknowledgment of Emily’s nice buns.

“Lo, you are right my dear.” Slug says, shaking his head. “I cannot allow her to use her Bun magic on me, as she has many men before. Thank you for your wisdom, my dear Kelsey.”

“Of course.” Kelsey says. “Now, we have important issues to discuss.”

“Then let us discuss them!” Slug shouts.

“Yes,” Kelsey says. “Discuss them we shall. I fear that the servers are incapable of handling a table of ten by themselves. We must pass a Declaration that states any party of 9 or more shall be split between TWO servers!”

“But Kelsey! What if that ends up complicating things?! Surely our servers are capable enough to handle such parties alone! For we do not hire Those Without Brains! After all, it might become confusing for the customers to deal with two servers, especially when they ask for extra ranch! They always assume the other server will obtain it and it ends up getting forgotten! And these errors always end up in us having to comp a meal!”

“It matters not, my dear Slug.” Kelsey says. “For this edict has been passed down by the reforging of the Chains of Meaningless Rules! Parties shall be split whether it makes sense or not!!”

GASP!!

“The Chains have been reforged?!” Slug asks.

“Yes.” Kelsey sneers. “And this time they are molded with an unbreakable adhesive. We have poured veggie butter over the links of the chain, allowing it to coagulate and mold into a bond stronger than ever before!! Muahahahahaha!!!”

“Incredible.” Slug says in awe. “You are a brilliant schemer indeed.” He adds, bowing before her. “I look forward to returning the servers to their rightful place.”

Cackling together, Slug and Kelsey retreat into the Tower to begin plotting their other schemes.

Chapter 8

“HO PLEASE!”

“Um, excuse me?” Asks Norman the Steed, looking up at Bobby with a grimace.

“Apologies, my love.” Bobby the Brave says. “For I meant Woah, please. As in Woah! We have arrived at our destination.”

Unsaddling his faithful steed, Bobby the Brave has arrived at the one place that will make certain that the Crouton Catapult and Battering Ham will be unstoppable: Cedric the Blacksmith’s.

As the pair approaches the stone bastions of Cedric’s keep, the smell of the legendary Keep’s Kush seeps through the open veins of his stone and mortar walls. The thick, grey mist can be seen wriggling it’s way out of the open windows littering the side of the edifice.

“My dear, breathe not the seepings of the Keep’s Kush, for it will render you useless.” Bobby says to his steed. “The bards tell of Cedric’s concoctions in their songs. They have the ability to make one forget entirely their task at hand, making them instead burst out in laughter at the most menial of things. Beware, my love.”

Nodding in acknowledgment, Norman carefully approaches the vast wooden door of Cedric’s keep. Being careful to tiptoe around the misty clouds of Kush smoke, the two bang on the front door, hoping to catch the blacksmiths attention. After several seconds of nothingness, Bobby becomes impatient, looking at the open window to the right of the wooden door, shouting inside.

“CEDRIC! IT IS I, BOBBY THE BRAVE!! WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE IN STRENGTHENING THESE LEGENDARY SEIGE WEAPONS!!”

Waiting for a response, Bobby and Norman stand at the front door, motionless. Its clear that no one has heard their call. Bobby tries once more.

“CEDRIC!!!! WE ARE IN NEED OF YOUR HELP!!!! PLE-”

“Wussup pimpin’?”

Out of nowhere, an incredibly relaxed, smiling face looks down at them from the open second floor window, interrupting Bobby.

“You need sumthin?”

Grinning, Bobby the Brave ties his steed to the post outside, then makes his way into Cedric’s keep.

“My friend! It has been ages since I last enjoyed your botanical offerings!” Bobby shouts as he climbs the stairs to join Cedric.

“Ages? Far too long my brotha. Bring it in, let’s get you right.” Cedric says, handing Bobby an enormous oblong, white paper with something green rolled on the inside.

“Alas!” Bobby shouts. “I would love to partake in your Keep’s Kush, but I have pressing matters to which I must attend!”

“Well dayum.” Cedric says. “What needs attending to?”

“The siege weapons I have stationed outside. I must use your forge to strengthen them. With the combined strength of your forge’s upgrades and the legendary forces still within, the Battering Ham and Crouton Catapult will be more than enough to destroy Slug’s oppressive regime. I have been told that he is attempting to corrupt poor Kelsey, and we must not allow that. We must oust him!!”

“You need to use my forge? You can forge allllllll you want, my brotha.” Cedric says, his eyes half open in a state of elation that only Keep Kush can provide.

“Many thanks, my friend.” Bobby says, making his way down to Cedric’s forge.

As Bobby reaches the bellows of Cedric’s Keep, he makes his way to the back of the room. Nestled in the corner is a large wooden door leading to the exterior of the keep, giving him access to the siege weapons he has brought with him. Opening the door, he hurries out to lead Norman and the weapons into the forge below.

“Hold it still, my love!” Bobby shouts, as he hammers into the nose of the Battering Ham.

Hours upon hours go by, until Bobby is drenched in sweat and unable to hammer anymore. Stepping back and viewing his work, he smiles at the gleaming steel tip of the Battering Ham and strengthened Crouton Catapult, which now is more like a T-Bone Trebuchet.

“Yes.” Bobby says, oozing with happiness. “These weapons will surely destroy anything Slug decides to put up. Quickly my love, back to the Lenghornians!”

Mounting Norman, Bobby makes his way back to the server village after thanking Cedric the blacksmith for his services.

Chapter 9

“What news from the West?”

Back in the Tower of Management, Kelsey asks Slug what his minions have discovered about the servers’ recent activities.”

“The simple-minded slaves think they are one step ahead of us. Fools!” Slug says, cackling to himself. “My faithful flying informants saw them uncovering the Battering Ham and Crouton Catapult of old! But they are weak, outdated machines. They will be no match for my strengthened walls!”

“Flying informants?” Kelsey asks. “However did your brainless cooks gain the ability of flight?”

“Twas easy, my dear Kelsey. I merely sewed chicken wings to their weak, spineless backs! They can now travel with haste wherever I bid! Muahahaha!!”

“You are a wise schemer indeed, my friend.” Kelsey says with admiration. “You will make a fine ruler once we rid ourselves of those weak-minded subordinates.”

“With you by my side, we can achieve anything!” Slug cackles.

“Tis true. But do not mistake my partnership for romance, my liege. For I am betrothed to the spirit of our fallen Local Manager.” Kelsey tells him with a sparkle in her eye.

“What is this you say?!” Slug exclaims. “The ghost of Slobert hath returned?”

“It is true, my dear.” Kelsey replies. “Ben the Bro has defected from the servers, as they have ousted him from their village for ignoring his side work. They would no longer bear the burden of performing his responsibilities whilst he spent time leaning on the wall sending ravens to innocent teenage girls he attempts to prey upon. He came to me with ancient wisdom stolen from the fairies, Connee and Ashley. I was able to use this stolen knowledge to raise my dear Slobert from the dead.”

“Lo! This is unfortunate, as I planned to crown you my Queen and perform unspeakable actions with you in my Keep’s chambers. But news of Slobert’s return is good, indeed. Perhaps I can use his ghostly apparition to strike fear into the Lenghornians hearts. They will surely bow to my will once they see I have spirits in my command.”

“A brilliant idea, my lord.” Kelsey cackles. “Come! I will lead you to my bedchambers where I have Slobert tucked away. We will inform him of our plans and unleash him upon the weaklings. They will never know what hit them.” She adds with a sinister smile.

“Yes. Come, my lady.” Slug says, winking at her to emphasize the dirty pun he just made.

Making haste for Kelsey’s bedchamber, an eerie wind blows to the West, foreshadowing the gloom they are about to release upon the village.

Chapter 10

“Behold! Cedric the Everhigh has strengthened our siege weapons of old!”

Returning to the village of servers, Bobby and Norman haul the Battering Ham and Crouton Catapult into the center of the town square.

“At last! They hath returned!” Pip the Well-Bodied cries in excitement. “Come servers, let us greet our champions!”

As the servers emerge from their (drinking) straw huts, they jump and cheer in excitement at the duo’s arrival. All joining in the square, Bobby unfastens the siege weapons from Norman’s shapely backside.

“With these, Slug’s forces will be outmatched with ease.” He says with a confident grin.

As the servers gather round to observe the two massive objects, a group of dark, ominously grey clouds blocks out the sun, casting a dark shadow over the village.

“Hmm,” Ashley the Fairy quietly says. “Strange weather approaches.” She says, squinting her eyes at the darkness.

“Strange weather, indeed.” Connee adds.

“Friends, let us not allow harmless clouds to rain on our parade! No pun intended, of course. For we have finally gained what we require to end Slug’s reign once and for all!” Bobby says cheerfully, putting his arms around the visibly frightened fairies.

“Huzzah!” The servers shout in unison.

As the villagers continue to admire their newly acquired weapons of war, a black mist manifests from the group of clouds, silently creeping toward the Earth. Distracted by their weapons, the mist takes the form of Slobert, the Local Manager who fell during the epic Battle of the Servers.

“My love! Behind you!” Norman the Steed shouts at her champion.

His eyes lighting up in fear, Bobby the Brave slowly turns to face the disgusting figure that has taken shape behind him. In one fell swoop, Slobert the Oppressor lunges forward, enveloping Bobby with his foul-smelling, black mist, sucking the life out of him. The servers gasp in horror as Bobby falls to the ground, pale and decrepit.

“NOOOOOO!!!!” Norman wails.

Approaching from the East, a flock of brainless cooks swoop over the village to admire the work that Slobert has done. Diving toward the servers, the villagers duck in fear as they franticly scatter to avoid the chicken winged minions.

“Teeheeheehee!!” The cooks cackle with high-pitched, obnoxious laughter. “You are all next!” They shout, flying away to report the success to Slug the Smelly.

As the gravely black figure ascends back into the clouds, the sky clears – casting a bright ray of light upon the decaying body of Bobby the Recently Departed.

As the servers gather around him in horror, Connee the fairy kneels down before him, attempting to spread her magical fairy dust to reanimate his lifeless corpse.

“Please, my friend,” Norman pleads. “You must save him!”

“Alas, my dear, I fear it is too late. Slobert’s magic is far too powerful.”

Collapsing in tears, Norman the Steed runs off toward the hills in the East in a fit of rage, clearly toward the Tower of Management to avenge her fallen hero.

“Norman! Come back!” Xavier the rainbow-laden Unicorn shouts after her. “I shall use my Urine of Revitalization to bring Bobby back from beyond the void!!”

Refusing to heed his directions, Norman speeds up, far out of sight of the servers.

“Alas, my friends,” Xavier says assuredly, “behold the power of my urine.”

Kneeling over Bobby’s body, Xavier squats down to allow his strawberry-scented stream to flow into the champion’s mouth. After stepping back to await his return from the void, Xavier grimaces in apprehension.

“Impossible!” He shouts. “It appears that my urine is not strong enough to undo that foul phantom’s magic either!”

Stepping back in remorse, the servers gasp as they realize their leader is lost to them for all eternity.

“Gasp!

“What are we going to do now?” Rachael the Hot Host innocently asks, kneeling down in defeat.

“We fight.” Stephanie the Slant Eyed bravely says, stepping forward to take the lead. Bending down to grasp the steak knife the Bobby wielded, she points it toward the East, signaling the battle that is surely to come.

“Huzzah!” The servers shout, their spirits lifted by Stephanie’s courage.

Lifting Bobby’s corpse to begin the burial proceedings, the servers collectively carry him towards the fabled Hill of Bodies, whose soil contains the remains of their most revered ancestors – paying him the respects he so rightfully has earned.

Chapter 11

“Teeheeheehee!!!!”

Approaching from the Western hills, the chicken-winged brainless cooks fly toward Slug’s Keep, nestled not far beyond his castle walls and the Tower of Management. Swooping in through an open stone window, they perch themselves on top of the banisters overlooking his bedchamber.

“My liege,” one of the cooks screeches. “Our quest is complete! Bobby the Burly has been felled, and is no more!”

“Exxxxcellent.” Slug sneers as he creepily rubs his hands together, staring out the window to the West. “Now the servers have no champion, and will surely crumble under their lack of leadership! Muahahaha!!”

Overhearing the sinister cackle from the Keep’s common area, Kelsey the Betrothed ascends the spiral staircase leading to Slug’s chamber.

“My lord,” she says. “I have caught wind of our victory from my dear Slobert. He has returned bearing news of Bobby’s return to beyond the void.”

“It is true, my dear whom I have a crush on but fear the repercussion of pursuing said crush. Bobby the Buttface has been ousted.”

“Wait, what?” Kelsey asks, caught off guard at Slug’s nonchalantly inserted statement.

“Silence!” Slug shouts, waving a dismissive hand. “See that you tend to Slobert, as I am sure his spirit is tired from his recent journey.”

“But my liege, I do not believe spirits are capable of experiencing fatigue! They have no body, after all.”

“Tend to him anyway!” Slug shouts again, raising his voice. “I must be left to my thoughts.” He grunts, jealously glancing at the small locket containing a portrait of Kelsey and her betrothed hanging from her necklace.

“Of course, my lord.” Kelsey sighs, bowing her head before exiting the room.

Turning to face the window again, Slug puts his hands behind his back as he stares back out toward the Western hills. Desperately wanting to enjoy the recent victory against the servers, he can’t help but picture his Slugly arms grasping the wonderful waist for which he so dearly longs. Just as his daydreams begin to reach a more sinister point, he notices a small figure manifest from beyond the hills. Squinting his eyes to better focus on the figure, he reaches to the table beside him to grab the conveniently placed monocular he has stashed for instances such as this. Stretching the monocle to its full length, he raises it to his eye to observe the approaching silhouette. To his horror, the lone figure gradually becomes dozens as he witnesses Stephanie the Sweet leading a battalion of servers toward the castle. Toted behind them are two enormous siege weapons, the likes of which he has never seen.

“Kelsey!” He shrieks, sprinting up the spiral staircase. “Quickly! To arms! Raise the alarm! The castle is under attack!!” He screams again, frantically flailing his arms around like a wacky inflatable tube-man.

As the brainless cooks obey the order and make their way toward the battlements, they begin arming the catapults and trebuchets. Slug, still flailing, retreats to his armory to adorn his apron breastplate and oven mitt gauntlets.

Taking a deep breath as finishes strapping them on, he draws a deep breath to prepare for what is to come.

“The battle is upon us.” He says to himself, calmly looking into a mirror at his Slugly reflection.

Entering the armory after overseeing the castle’s battle preparations, Kelsey slowly walks toward Slug, refastening his apron as she stands behind him.

“Lead us to victory, my Lord.” She whispers into his ear.

Stepping away from her to curb the tension in his loins felt from her close proximity, Slug turns to face her.

“But of course, my dear.” He says with a smug look of arrogance. “I will not fail. Unlike certain other local managers in the past, I am not a lesser man. The bards will sing songs of my greatness for ages to come.” He adds, clearly referring to Kelsey’s betrothed.

Opting to avoid the debate Kelsey decides to stroke Slug’s ego, hoping her encouragement will strengthen his resolve for the approaching battle.

“Of course, my liege. Your greatness is unparalleled.”

Taking one final deep breath, Slug looks toward the door.

“Come. Let us put a swift end to Stephanie the Squinted and her pathetic companions. I will end this war once and for all.”

Heading toward the battlements, Slug lets Kelsey walk ahead so as to observe her shapely buns.

Little does he know what lies ahead.

Chapter 12

“Servers! Notch your Silver Arrows of Ware! Fairies! Load croutons!!”

Pointing her steak knife toward the castle, Stephanie the Strong commands her legion of servers. Closing in on the walls protecting Slug’s domain and the Tower of Management, the Lenghornians have sliced through his outer defenses like a hot knife through butter. Darkening the sky with their silver arrows of ware, the hail of forks and knives falls upon the brainless cooks with impunity, ripping them to pieces. Massive croutons being launched by fairies Connee and Ashley are pummeling his walls, delivering the shock and awe anticipated by the improvements of Cedric the Everhigh.

“Behold!” Stephanie shouts, pointing her steak knife toward the tattered walls of Slug’s Keep, “the castle is falling!!”

“Quickly! We must scale the walls!” Mark the Rhythmic Resurrected says as he approaches a spot of the wall that has been destroyed by one of the large, garlic-laced croutons. “Where is Emily the Well-Bunned?!”

Suddenly, a break in the servers battalion reveals itself as a shapely woman walks forward, laying down before the wall.

Emily the Well Bunned has joined the fray, using her best ASSets to the Lenghornians advantage.

“Swiftly Lenghornians! We must use these buns to bounce ourselves over Slug’s defenses! We shall soon gain entry to his Keep!” Mark shouts, getting a running start before trampolining over the wall by jumping on Emily’s bouncy buns.

“Huzzah!” The other Lengnorians shout as they follow suit, bouncing themselves over the walls. Finally, approaching the massive wooden door to Slug’s Keep, Stephanie the Server stands atop the Battering Ham, ready to oust the oppressive manager before them.

“Slug!!” Stephanie shouts. “You are defeated! We have yet again washed away the Chains of Meaningless Rules!”

Peering down at the Lenghornians from his window, Slug shrieks as he makes a last ditch effort to defend his castle.

“Never!! For I still command the spirit of Slobert!” He shouts, beckoning the shadowed ghost of the local manager to attack.

“Neigh!!” Xavier the Unicorn screams. Using his teeth to lift a cover off of the wagon the unicorn has been pulling, Cedric the Everhigh suddenly leaps out with his bloodshot, baggy eyes and points his enormous Lenghornian Water Bong at the misty spirit. Just as it descends toward Stephanie the Strong, Cedric puts the bull shaped bong to his mouth and deeply inhales, sucking in the mist containing the spirit of Slobert, blowing him out in a puff of black, ghostly goodness – assuring his return to beyond the veil.

“NOOOO!!!!” Kelsey screams, entering the battle. “My love!!”

Dragging Slug out of his keep, Kelsey passionately holds Slug’s hand, seemingly wanting to plead for a compromise. Ever the level-headed one, she seems to practice wisdom well beyond her years.

Slowly looking up toward the emboldened faces of the oppressed Lenghornians, Kelsey takes a deep breath. For years she’s looked over them, making their schedules, cashing them out, and listening to their problems. She’s beginning to realize how important they all really are to her and how much they mean…but suddenly, out of nowhere…

BOOM!!!!

A massive garlic crouton can be seen on the horizon, launched by the legendary Crouton Catapult. As the enormous body of bread blocks the sun and blackens the sky, the pleading faces of Kelsey and Slug fade into faces of fear as it lands on top of them, crushing their bodies and sending their souls beyond the void.

“Oops.” Ashlee the Fairy says. “Must’ve forgotten to announce the halt.”

Flying back over the battlefield, she begins shouting at the faithful soldiers. “Servers, victory! Slug is no more!! You can stop with the croutons.” She adds with a laugh, peering back at Slugs garlicky crushed corpse.

“Alas!” Connee the Fairy asserts. “This humorously launched crouton has prevented any last words from Slug and his loyal companion. Perhaps it is for the best!”

“It is so!” Ashlee shouts, holding her wand before her.

“Lenghornians! Regroup in the town square. There is much to be discussed.”

Making their way toward the square, the Lenghornians happily begin singing songs of the battles before.

Epilogue

🎼🎤🎼

“Weelllllllll weeeee, fought for our soldiers,

And launched crouton boulders,

And freed our fair ladies,

And now we serve on our own!
Buuuutt wheeeen we sip on our Foldgers,

And put out the smoulders,

We knew it’d be easy,

And now we serve on our own!”

🎼🎤🎼

Back in the server village, Stephanie the Strong is standing on a table, ale in hand, singing songs that the bards have written in their memory. The epic battles that the servers have persevered through show just how strong the bonds between the villagers really are. They’ve shed blood, sweat, and extra ranch for one another, and will never forget the sacrifices they’ve all been forced to share.

As the Lenghornians gather in the village tavern, they all join in on the song Stephanie is leading…
“Aaaaand weeee smoked Sloberts Ghost,

With Cedric’s bong we will boast,

Then we found a unicorn,

And now we serve on our own!
Aaaaand we found a big ham,

Then we gave Slug a slam,

And cab ribs taste like spam,

And now we serve on our own!
Theeeeeeeeen Kelsey came along

And she tried to make calm

But got hit by croutons

And now we serve on our own!
Nowwwwww weeeee do what we want

Just like we all thought

And when they ask for our boss we say

We serve on our own!!!!”

THE END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

….or is it?

MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

The Lenghornian Revolt: Full First Sequence

Due to the many requests I received to consolidate the individual chapters, below is the first installment of The Revolt in its entirety. Enjoy!

Chapter 1

You have got to be kidding me. 

Reaching into her apron for the third time, Marcia grabs yet another straw and hands it to the four year old child in the high chair in front of her, wondering how many more times the mother is going to ask for a piece of plastic to entertain her misbehaved, obnoxiously loud child.

“Here you go, sweetheart” She says, reluctantly maintaining the same grin she’s become all-too-accustomed to over her last four years serving at Lenghorn.

“Can I get you anything else?” She asks the mother.

“Um, no. That’s all for now.” The patron replies, only halfway paying attention to her. “Oh, actually you know what? We could use some more bread.” She adds, pointing to the three pieces left on the board in front of her, not bothering to look her in the eye.

“You got it.” Marcia says with a smile. “I’ll be right back.”

Slowly swiveling to face her other table, Marcia takes a deep breath to contain the frustration she’s feeling. It’ll all be over soon, she thinks, referring to the night classes she takes that will launch her into a life outside of the serving industry.

“You folks still doing okay? Do you need anything?” She asks her other table, thankful that these people are actually appreciative of the job she’s doing.

“No thanks! We’re good.” The patrons reply, thanking her for checking on them.

Geez. Why can’t everyone be like you guys? Marcia wonders, making her way back to the server line to grab the fourth loaf of bread for her previous table.

“HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

As she walks into the kitchen, she overhears her coworker Chris’ contagious laugh. It’s a welcome sound, as his bellowing voice never fails to wash away the frustration servers feel toward their customers.

“What’s so funny?” Marcia asks.

“Oh, nothing.” Rachel, the polite and positive server that everyone likes replies. “The boys are just trying to test Emily’s butt to see if it pops like a balloon when you poke it. Some of them think she’s gotta be sporting some panty pushups to have an ass like that.”

“Men.” Marcia says, rolling her eyes with a laugh.

“Hey Marcia! I need you to check me out.”

Coming around the corner, Dustin walks towards her with his checkout paper ready to sign. “I’m in section 41-61.” He says. “But wait. I don’t mean like, check me out. You know? Not like, check me out as in check me out. I mean do my check out. Cause I’m cut. And you know, you have to….check me out. So will you check me out?”

“Breathe, Dustin.” Marcia says. “Here, let me sign it for you.”

As Marcia initials Dustin’s checkout receipt, a long, plate sized, slender-legged spider crawls out from the corner of the ceiling.

“OPEN UP YOUR SIDE WORK!!” The spider shouts. “This is the third time I’ve gotten ice for you people!”

“I’m sorry Blake!” Nela mutters. “I was too beesy asking for halp on the compooter.” Nela, a sweet, Bosnian princess, recently began making the transition from hosting to serving.

Looking toward Marcia, Chris (with the bellowing laugh) whispers in her ear. “You know, sometimes that spider annoys the hell out of me, but I have to admit, he’s actually kind of right. Maybe we really do need to start doing a better job of doing our side work.”

Overhearing the conversation, Michelle, the ruby-haired damsel behind the bar agrees. “He’s right. Sometimes it takes balls to tell people they need to get it together. And that spider’s balls are big. Like, way big.” She adds, smirking as she walks off.

“Guys! We need seengers!”

Out of nowhere, an Egyptian-looking male server starts to sprint-walk through the server alley. “I have a birthday and I need seengers!”

“Dammit.” Marcia says. “Alright, let’s go.”

As the two leave to sing happy birthday to a customer that probably would rather not have them sing happy birthday, the phone begins to ring.

“Anyone gonna pick it up?” Mike, the other bartender asks.

“I’ll get it. Since apparently they love to schedule me on to-gos.” Replies Mark, one of the more sensitive servers of the bunch.

Picking up the phone, Mark answers with his bottled Lenghornian greet.

“It’s a wonderful day at Lenghorn! How may I…”

“YEAH WHO’S THIS I’M SPEAKING TO?” The voice on the phone interrupts.

“Um, Mark.” Mark replies.

“Well you get me a manager on the horn. This here is the district manager and we need to talk about who all we need to let go.”

“Let go?” Mark says. “But…why?”

“Aw come on now son, don’t be dense. You know as well as I do that some of ya’ll just don’t get it. And we can’t have you slow ones pulling the rest of us down.”

“Okay sir. I’ll…I’ll go get my boss. Please hold.” Mark mutters.

Walking to the back of the restaurant, Mark knocks on the manager’s door.

“Hey boss.” He says. “I think corporate’s on the line for you.”

Perking up, the manager jumps out of his chair. “Great! Let’s see what they want.”

As the manager makes his way to the phone, Mark lingers in the back with the other servers who are racking their silverware.

“Hey guys.” He says, pointing toward the front. “I think our boss is about to get rid of a bunch of us.”

“Excuse me?” Bernard, an alpha server, steps forward in response to Mark’s assertion. “What do you mean they’re getting rid of us?”

“I’m not sure.” Mark says. “But I think that’s what they’re talking about.”

“Oh, HELL NO.” Bernard says. “We ain’t putting up with this anymore.”

Suddenly, an eerie blue mist appears from underneath the refrigerator door. As the door begins to slowly squeak open, a small, fairy-looking creature flies out from beyond the mist.

“Hello Lenghornians!” The fairy exclaims. “It is I! Ashli, Queen of the House of Back! And do not forget my accompaniment, Connee! Queen of the House of Front!”

Rushing forward and bending to his knees, Xavier the unicorn, widely known as the wittiest of them all, bows to the fairies.

“Oh Fairies!” He shouts. “Alas! We have pondered the hour of your arrival! Please, you must save us from the goings-on that is corporate!”

“Fear not.” Connee says. “For I have a very special pixie dust that shall render your rulers…obsolete.” She says with a sinister smile.

“But is it safe to release this power amongst mortal men?” Asks Ashli, the other fairy.

“It is so!” Connee replies. “Step forward Xavier, behold the power of Prairie Dust!”

Approaching the fairy, Xavier the unicorn gallops toward Connee, fulfilling her request.

“Now,” Connee instructs, “sprinkle a smidgeon unto thy co-worker Wendell.”

Slowly walking forward, Xavier grasps the small pouch of Prairie Dust in his teeth. Walking toward Wendell, he shakes his head to sprinkle a portion of the pouch onto Wendell’s long, glistening hair.

“Behold!” Connee repeats, pointing to the transformation Wendell is undergoing.

At first, not much happens. The dust simply falls into Wendell’s hair and gradually makes its way onto his scalp, out of sight. Then, after several suspenseful seconds, his limbs begin to transform into onion petals. Slowly, one by one, every piece of his body is converted into an item on the Lenghorn menu. After it’s all said and done, the only thing that remains is an appetizer sampler and a texas tonion.

“MUAHAHAHA!!!” Connee shrieks. “We must unleash this onto the powers that be!”

Collectively nodding, the servers high five each other and begin talking about how excited they are to see their bosses turn into food.

Chapter 2

“Psst. Hey, MP!”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t you think we should get rid of that unicorn thing? He sure is a crappy server.”

Back in the Tower of Management, the Lenghornian higher ups collude with one another. Speaking at a whisper, the District Manager and the local manager attempt to conceal their true intentions for the team.

“Who, Xavier?! Of course not! He’s too valuable on the Equal Employment list! You know we’ve got to maintain an image of non-discrimination! No, we must keep that rainbow unicorn on the roster! I’ll be damned if I have to put up with that Equal Unicornist Rights group again.”

“Good point, district manager. Good point. You are so wise, indeed. Say, weren’t we talking about who we intend on letting go?”

“Yes, I believe we we’re.”

“Well I believe I have the perfect candidate. He goes by the name of James. He is a cook that everyone seems to like, and nobody appears to find fault with. In fact, it’s even said that he might actually have genuine feelings for his offspring. We believe it is a girl.”

“NAY!” Shouts the district manager. “We cannot allow these ‘feelings’ to run rampant in our kitchen! We must oust this feeling-haver for the good of the realm!”

“Yes, indeed. We must oust him.” The local manager says, turning to look over the hunch on his back. “And perhaps then we will have achieved our goal: a team of line cooks who are TOTALLY BRAINLESS! MUAHAHAHA!!!!”

“But wait!” The district manager shrieks. “Alas! There is Taylor and Chris. And Joel, I think.”

“Ah, you are right.” The local manager sneers. “We must find a way to be rid of them too.”

“Its true. Only then will we have the brainless team we so desire.” The district manager says, slowly closing the “How to be a Robot” training handbook he has in his hand.

Chapter 3

The day following the epic Return of the Fairies, the Lenghornian servers regroup at the House of Back.

“Alright guys, so how are we gonna get this dust on top of our managers heads? It will no doubt require the utmost planning and skill.” asks Thomas, Lord of the Shouting Expos.

“Good question.” The new guy whom no one knows his name replies. “Maybe one of the ferries could fly it up to the Tower of Management and sprinkle it on them whilst they slumber.”

Reappearing from beyond the blue mist of the refrigerator closet, Ashli, Queen of the House of Back joins the conversation.

“Um, it’s ‘fairies’, Mr. No One Knows Your Name. A ‘Ferry’ is what you take to cross the overflowing River of Dirty Dishes. And no,” she adds, “this is a quest that must be completed by mortals. One of you brave deliverers of food must accomplish this task alone.”

“But we can’t fly!” Jessica B and W cry, panning the group to see which females feel threatened by the fact that other attractive dames have joined the team. “However will we make it to the top of the Tower undetected?!”

“We shall have to figure out an alternative.” Bernard, the alpha server asserts. “We will get that dust on those managers heads if it’s the last thing we ever do!” He shouts.

“Oh Bernard! Whatever would we do without your bravery!” Several of the female servers sigh, gleaming at the dark, smooth complexion of his armor.

“Worry not, my companions.” He replies. “I shall do what is required. It will be nothing but an honor if I am to sacrifice my life for the sake of the realm.”

Interrupting the huddle, Slug, a Lenghornian assistant manager waltzes into the House of Back to check on whether or not the servers are doing their jobs.

“Loyal subjects!” He exclaims, “Who among you dare to plot against my superiors!”

“GASP!” The group takes in a loud breath of air as they realize their plot has been compromised.

“But Slug! It is you whom so many of us get along with! Please! You must help us obtain our freedom from the oppressive regime of the Tower of Management!!” Squeaks Summer, perhaps the favorite server amongst the team. “How ever did you become aware of our plan?”

“Aye,” Slug declares, “There is a traitor amongst you! For one of you has passed along the information you discuss privately to the local manager! But worry not, for you are right, my fair lady. I shall lend whatever assistance I can in order to complete this monumental challenge.”

“Then it is decided!” Connie, Queen of the House of Front announces. “I hereby declare Bernard Knight of the Realm, along with Slug, Lord of the Faithful Minions! Minions – prepare for battle!!” She adds, flying away into the blue mist of the refrigerator.

“You heard her!” Chris, the uplifter of moods shouts. “Despite our differences, we stand united! Prepare for battle!!!!”

“HUZZAH!!” The servers yell in unison, heading to their quarters to sharpen their weapons and polish their armor.”

Chapter 4

As dawn sweeps over dusk on the morning of the Battle, the Lenghornian servers and fairies huddle together to plan their assault on the Tower of Management.

“My fellow servers!” Bernard the Knight bellows, “Today is the day we honor our forefathers! We must earn back the right to serve freely, and rip apart the Chains of Meaningless Rules that bind us down! The Chains are hidden below the Tower of Management, deep under the Dish Pit of Despair.”

“Not the Dish Pit of Despair!” Pip, the beautiful hostess with the mostess cries. “No one has ever returned from there alive!”

“It is true.” Bernard says. “But alas, one among you must accept responsibility for this task, as it will prove crucial to our success.”

Taking a deep breath, Mike, the Tender of Bars steps forwards.

“I accept this quest.” He says, kneeling before the fairies, who are floating in front of the group. “I will use my superior intellect to outsmart the guards, thus gaining entry to the Dish Pit of Despair. I will then apply the Golden Towel of Cleanliness to wash away the Chains of Meaningless Rules.

“Perfect!” Connee the fairy yells. “This will provide a welcome distraction for our Knight to scale the Tower of Management, sprinkling the Prairie Dust on the unsuspecting heads of our oppressive managers!”

Clapping and cheering, the servers roar in anticipation of the battle to come.

Chapter 5

While the servers are busy planning their assault on The Tower of Management, the scheming managers are vigorously coming up with their own plan to defend their oppressive reign.

“My liege!” Yells Gay, another of the assistant managers. “Our informant has sent a dispatch stating that our subordinates intend to lay siege to our keep!”

“Fools!” The district manager shrieks. “How little these peasants know. For we have a secret weapon capable of crushing their assault easier than swatting the gnats by the drink station!”

“Please, my lord, tell me of this secret weapon!” The ass. manager replies.

“His name is Matt.” The district manager sneers. “He claims to try and help the servers, when in reality he is just as much our puppet as the others!! We shall unleash him upon our attackers the instant they lay siege to our gates. Muahahahah!!”

“A brilliant plan!” Gay cheers. “But sir, we have also caught wind that they intend to wash away the Chains of Meaningless Rules!”

“Blasphemy!” The angered district manager shouts. “We must break this wind. Those chains were bestowed on us straight from the Gods of Corporate! They are stronger than any other chains in the realm! Let them try.” He adds with a sinister smile.

“Of course, master.” The ass. manager says, creepily rubbing his hands together.  “Then we are prepared. I look forward to destroying our enemies with impunity.”

“Muahahahaha!!” The managers cackle together.

Chapter 6

“Faster my faithful steeds!!”

Leading the charge to the Tower of Management, Bernard mushes Jessica N and Sandy, two faithful stallions that are used to carrying the responsibilities of the restaurant on their shoulders. As the chariot carrying the Lenghornians picks up speed, the group chats from within.

“What do you think will happen?” Asks Christina, the very attractive yet slightly intimidating tender of bars.

“I fear that is unknown.” Replies Stephanie, perhaps the most well rounded, unfullofshit server. “But the prophecies have foretold that this battle would someday be upon us. Let us pray to the Gods of Corporate for their blessing!” She adds, as the Lenghornians bow their heads in respect.

“All knowing and benevolent Gods,” she begins, “we call upon thee to shed upon us your wisdom and courage! Today we shall lay siege to those who have so long restrained us from the freedom and happiness that we so truly deserve! Please, if it be your wish, grant us the strength and will to vanquish our enemies, and triumph over those who only desire power and control!”

Suddenly, as if they were summoned on purpose, three figures manifest from within the chariot.

“Hark! It is we, Steve, Coleen and Jessica B who hath returned from beyond the veil to bestow upon you our good fortune!” The trio shouts. “Our mortal lives may have been ended by our oppressors, but our spirits live on!”

“Huzzah!!” The Lenghornians cheer.

“My friends, you must heed my word.” Steve, the fallen server begins. “Your enemies have unleashed a secret weapon by the name of Matt to protect the Chains of Meaningless Rules. Mike, I understand you have accepted the treacherous task of breaking the chains.” He says, pointing to the Tender of Bars.

“It is so.” Mike asserts. “I am ready to lay down my life for the good of the realm.”

“But alas!” Steve shouts. The prophecies have foretold of a weapon capable of destroying this Matt. It is said that his one true weakness may be exploited with this mystical object.”

“Please!” Christina cries, “Inform us of this weapon you speak of!”

Grinning widely, Steve reaches into his ghostly backside and pulls something from straight out of his ass.

“Behold!” He shouts as the sun epically glimmers from behind him, nearly blinding the Lenghornians. “The Blade of Side Work! The foe Mike is to face shall be no contest for this almighty sword, as Side Work is Matt’s one true weakness!”

“Huzzah!!!” The Lenghornians cheer with spirits so high they could almost reach the Gods of Corporate. “To war!!”

Chapter 7

“Battle stations!! Cooks! To the wall!!”

As the sun reaches its highest point during the midday Spring afternoon, the Lenghornian chariot, led by Bernard and the Fairies, can be seen as they gallop over the grassy hills leading to the Tower of Management. It’s clear that the managers have used the majority of their resources to build grandiose banisters and beautiful lawns, only allocating a small allowance to those of their subordinates.

Hurriedly rushing to man their stations on the wall, the managers’ team of brainless cooks begins to notch their Silver Arrows of Ware.

“Fire at will!” The local manager shouts, sheepishly falling back to the safety of the Tower. “My lord!” He shouts to the district manager. “We must make haste, we cannot afford to lose you. Quickly! To the top of the Tower!” He adds, leading the way back into the Keep.

Sluggishly hopping alongside the district manager, the local manager’s hunch begins to slow him down. Seeing the difficulty his faithful minion is having, the district manager turns around to face him.

“Come!” He shouts. “We have no time to waste!”

Realizing that he will only slow his lord down, the local manager falls to his knees in defeat.

“Go…” He mutters. “You must save yourself for the good of the realm.” He adds, holding a hand out, grasping out at the nothingness before him.

Reluctantly nodding his head, the district manager agrees.

“Your sacrifice shall be sung by the bards for a thousand eternities, my loyal subject!” The district manager cries, shedding a crimson tear of strawberry lemonade as he turns to scale the stairs to the top of the Tower.

As he nears the top, he peers down out of the open stone window to view the events that are transpiring on the battlefield. The Lenghornians have breached the gate, and are slowly making their way toward the keep, nearing the Tower itself. As he leans back to return to his ascent he notices that Connee, Queen of the House of Front, has scaled the wall and is hovering over the defeated local manager.

“MUAHAHAHAHA!!” She shrieks with elation. “How would you like YOUR steak cooked?!” She shouts, sprinkling a pinch of prairie dust over the manager’s head.

Suddenly, as prophesized, the local manager’s arms violently turn into chili cheese fries, as his legs snap into stalks of steamed asparagus. His feet, previously covered by slip-free restaurant shoes, quickly begin morphing into loaded baked potatoes. Finally, just as his last screams begin to echo across the realm, his head pops into a 16 oz cut of prime rib, with au jus pouring from his eye sockets.

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” The district manager cries, witnessing the horrific events with his own eyes. “Rest easy my son. I shall avenge you!” He shouts to himself, returning to his climb to the top of the Tower.

Chapter 8

Quietly tiptoeing through the catacombs deep below the Tower of Management, Mike, the Tender of Bars makes his way toward the chamber that houses the Chains of Meaningless Rules. Knowing that his enemies’ secret weapon Matt might pop out at any moment, he keeps his head on a swivel as he makes his descent.

“Quiet!” He hears, turning around to see who has followed him. “Don’t alarm the guards.”

Creeping through a small hole in the stone wall beside him, Austin, the cute but mysteriously quiet and reserved mouse trails behind Mike.

“Austin!” Mike whispers. “You shouldn’t have come! This is a dangerous quest I have undertaken.”

“But alas,” the mouse says, “I couldn’t allow you to fight Matt alone! I feel inclined to support you!”

“So be it.” Mike sighs. “Come, follow me.” He adds, unsheathing the Blade of Side Work.

Continuing to tiptoe down the hall, they finally make it to the large chamber that holds the Chains of Meaningless Rules. They are massive, with each chain link equaling about the size of the overweight patrons who drink far too much sweet tea.

“Wow.” Austin says, creeping up to the gigantic chains.

“WHO GOES THERE?!?!” An annoying voice shrieks. “How dare you approach the Chains of Meaningless Rules!! You must do as you are told without question!” Matt shouts, leaping down from above with a massive bread board to swat away the meaningless peasants.

“Yah!” He shouts, wafting the bread board before them.

“Nay!” Mike screams, with Austin on his shoulder. “We will submit to your treachery no longer!!” He adds, shoving the Blade of Side Work into Matt’s small, bubbly butt.

“NOOOOOO!!!!!” Matt shrieks. “Side work!!!! How did you knowahhhhhhhhhh!!!” He cries as his spirit leaves his body, drifting into the abyss that is the Veil.

“Huzzah!” Austin cheers. “Now we can wash the Chains away with the Golden Towell of Cleanliness!!”

“Aye.” Mike declares, applying the Towell liberally. “May these Chains never restrict our companions again!” He adds, trying to discard the towel but not making it into the basket, leaving it on the floor.

“Come. We must return to the surface to join the others and inform them of our victory.” He says.

Chapter 9

“Wahh!!”

“Agh!!!”

“Yah!!”

In the confines of the Tower of Management’s Walls, the fray between the servers and the brainless cooks comes to a head. Despite losing many of their comrades, the servers have persevered through the fight as if they’ve been triple seated whilst simultaneously serving a party of twelve.

Knowing they are nearing the end, Bernard the Knight gallops forward atop Jessica N, the strongest steed.

“Follow me!” He screams, his face bloodied with the creamy sauce of a hundred ramekins of extra ranch. As the Lenghornians scale the Tower, they finally corner the district manager as they step out onto the rooftop.

“Surrender!” Bernard shouts, pointing his blade of Steak Knives at him.

“Never!” The district manager yells, pulling a paper from within his robe. “Feast your eyes upon the legendary Scroll of HR Conflict Resolution! Your feeble attempts to oust me have failed! For this scroll grants me immunity from being punished for any wrongdoings! MUAHAHA!!”

“No!” Bernard yells. “But the prophecies foretold our victory!”

“Your prophecies are as worthless as your customers’ expired Christmas coupons!” The district manager exclaims, covering Bernard with the Scroll of HR Conflict Resolution, watching him disappear into the veil.

“NOOOOOO!” The Lenghornians shout in dismay. “You killed our leader! NOOOOO!!!!!” They continue to cry.

“Wait!” A voice from behind bellows. “Behold! We have broken the Chains of Meaningless Rules!”

Sure enough, as the prophecies foretold, Mike, the Tender of Bars appears on the rooftop, his apron armor gleaming in the sun.

“Your Scroll no longer wields its power! I henceforth wash away ALL meaningless rules from the realm, and liberate my fellow servers from your oppressive rule! Lenghornians!” He shouts. “Apply the dust of prairies!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” The district manager screams, as all of the Lenghornians circle around him and sprinkle their Prairie Dust. “I…will…come…aghh…..” He mutters, as he slowly turns into a Chocolate Stampede, indicating the stampede of free reign and dawn of the new era.

“HUZZAH!!” The Lenghornians cheer. “Finally! We have broken free of our oppressors!” They all shout in unison.

“Now,” Mike says, “we must restructure our village. Henceforth, we will all be equal and free to serve as we see fit. Lenghornians,” he finishes, “UNITE!”

Epilogue

The morning following the epic Battle for Free Servitude, the sun is shining particularly bright upon the realm. As the dawn of the new era begins, the remaining Lenghornians gather around the bodies of their fallen comrades.

“Brothers! Sisters! Fairies and spiders! Sword-poopers and spirits! Lend me your ears!” Shouts Mike, the newly promoted Breaker of Chains. “We must pray to the Gods of Corporate for bestowing their blessings upon us, leading us to victory against the oppressive Managers of Old!”

Silently lowering their heads, the group kneels before the burning bodies of their brothers and sisters as Ashli, Queen of the House of Back floats forward to pray.

“Merciful Gods of Corporate,” she begins, “we call upon thee to voice our thanks for your indescribable courage and wisdom. We mortals, who cannot comprehend your splendor, are forever in your debt for the strength and victory you have granted us. We shall rebuild this land in your honor!” She adds, raising her fairy wand. “But alas, we must ask one more favor of you. If it be your will, please allow the spirits of the fallen to enter the Kingdom of Headquarters, where they may enjoy the fabled Food and Ales of your high-rise Corporate Cafeteria! We pray that the following souls be granted entry to your kingdom: Bernard, Knight of the Realm!”

“Huzzah!” The others cheer.

“Steve, Coleen, and Jessica B.”

“Huzzah!”

“Sandy, faithful steed of the House of Front.”

“Huzzah!”

“David, Obtainer of Extra Shifts and Recruiter of Softball!”

“Huzzah!”

“Wendell, Sacrificer of Life for Dust Demonstration!”

“Huzzah!”

“Mark, Server of Sensitivity and Drummer of Musics!”

“Huzzah!”

“And finally,” Ashli begins, “we pray that you protect our Free Lands from now until the end of time. Amen.”

“HUZZAH!”

“But wait!” Suddenly, a forgotten voice echoes from beyond the Kitchen Hills. In the distance, a rainbow unicorn can be seen galloping towards the group, heavily panting as he nears them.

“Xavier!” The Lenghorians shout. “Where have you been? We feared you got lost during our march to the Tower of Management!”

“Neigh!” Says the horse, winking and chuckling to himself at the cleverly added pun that he just realized was a pun. “You have forgotten! The Urine of Unicorns breathes life back into the bodies of fallen comrades! But I fear I have the bladder to bestow my gift upon only one of our loyal companions.”

“GASP!” The Lenghornians collectively breathe in a loud rush of air.

“He is right!” Chris shouts. “Whoever shall we resurrect?”

“That’s easy,” Blake the Long-Legged says. “For there is one among them whom never tests my nerves. Alas! We shall resurrect our rhythmic drummer Mark!”

“So be it!” Xavier shouts, squatting over Mark’s inanimate head to begin urinating in his mouth.

Finally, after several shakes, Xavier steps aside to view the results of his relief.

“Cough….cough cough. **Gag** What in the name of the Maker?”

“Behold!” Xavier shouts, as he shakes off the last of his rainbow urine. “He is alive!”

“HUZZAH!!!!!” The Lenghornians cheer, as they jump for joy.

As the group returns to their duties, happy as the steamed clams that aren’t on the menu, a dark shadow lurks in the distance, observing their celebration.

“Muahahaha!” The figure cackles to Kelsey, the ass. manager beside him. “Fools! They have no idea that we are climbing the Ladder of Corporate to replace our weak-minded superiors!”

“You are right, Slug.” Kelsey says. “Let them rejoice. We will return stronger than ever!”

“MUAHAHAHAHA!” They laugh, creeping their way back toward the destroyed Tower of Management.

THE END.

….for now.

MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

The Lenghornian Revolt Returns: Pt 11


“Teeheeheehee!!!!”

Approaching from the Western hills, the chicken-winged brainless cooks fly toward Slug’s Keep, nestled not far beyond his castle walls and the Tower of Management. Swooping in through an open stone window, they perch themselves on top of the banisters overlooking his bedchamber.

“My liege,” one of the cooks screeches. “Our quest is complete! Bobby the Burly has been felled, and is no more!”

“Exxxxcellent.” Slug sneers as he creepily rubs his hands together, staring out the window to the West. “Now the servers have no champion, and will surely crumble under their lack of leadership! Muahahaha!!”

Overhearing the sinister cackle from the Keep’s common area, Kelsey the Betrothed ascends the spiral staircase leading to Slug’s chamber.

“My lord,” she says. “I have caught wind of our victory from my dear Slobert. He has returned bearing news of Bobby’s return to beyond the void.”

“It is true, my dear whom I have a crush on but fear the repercussion of pursuing said crush. Bobby the Buttface has been ousted.”

“Wait, what?” Kelsey asks, caught off guard at Slug’s nonchalantly inserted statement.

“Silence!” Slug shouts, waving a dismissive hand. “See that you tend to Slobert, as I am sure his spirit is tired from his recent journey.”

“But my liege, I do not believe spirits are capable of experiencing fatigue! They have no body, after all.”

“Tend to him anyway!” Slug shouts again, raising his voice. “I must be left to my thoughts.” He grunts, jealously glancing at the small locket containing a portrait of Kelsey and her betrothed hanging from her necklace.

“Of course, my lord.” Kelsey sighs, bowing her head before exiting the room.

Turning to face the window again, Slug puts his hands behind his back as he stares back out toward the Western hills. Desperately wanting to enjoy the recent victory against the servers, he can’t help but picture his Slugly arms grasping the wonderful waist for which he so dearly longs. Just as his daydreams begin to reach a more sinister point, he notices a small figure manifest from beyond the hills. Squinting his eyes to better focus on the figure, he reaches to the table beside him to grab the conveniently placed monocular he has stashed for instances such as this. Stretching the monocle to its full length, he raises it to his eye to observe the approaching silhouette. To his horror, the lone figure gradually becomes dozens as he witnesses Stephanie the Sweet leading a battalion of servers toward the castle. Toted behind them are two enormous siege weapons, the likes of which he has never seen.

“Kelsey!” He shrieks, sprinting up the spiral staircase. “Quickly! To arms! Raise the alarm! The castle is under attack!!” He screams again, frantically flailing his arms around like a wacky inflatable tube-man.

As the brainless cooks obey the order and make their way toward the battlements, they begin arming the catapults and trebuchets. Slug, still flailing, retreats to his armory to adorn his apron breastplate and oven mitt gauntlets.

Taking a deep breath as finishes strapping them on, he draws a deep breath to prepare for what is to come.

“The battle is upon us.” He says to himself, calmly looking into a mirror at his Slugly reflection.

Entering the armory after overseeing the castle’s battle preparations, Kelsey slowly walks toward Slug, refastening his apron as she stands behind him.

“Lead us to victory, my Lord.” She whispers into his ear.

Stepping away from her to curb the tension in his loins felt from her close proximity, Slug turns to face her.

“But of course, my dear.” He says with a smug look of arrogance. “I will not fail. Unlike certain other local managers in the past, I am not a lesser man. The bards will sing songs of my greatness for ages to come.” He adds, clearly referring to Kelsey’s betrothed.

Opting to avoid the debate Kelsey decides to stroke Slug’s ego, hoping her encouragement will strengthen his resolve for the approaching battle.

“Of course, my liege. Your greatness is unparalleled.”

Taking one final deep breath, Slug looks toward the door.

“Come. Let us put a swift end to Stephanie the Squinted and her pathetic companions. I will end this war once and for all.”

Heading toward the battlements, Slug lets Kelsey walk ahead so as to observe her shapely buns.

Little does he know what lies ahead.