How the World Should Work

I put on my old socks, ever so slowly

I should take them to church cause my socks are so holy

But before this day starts, I must say that this chap

Shall first drop a deuce, ‘cause he don’t give a crap

Flip a coin in the well, but it wasn’t well-spent

Matchbox 20 disc broke; the damn album got Bent

Wrapped a cod in some tin, but my main course got spoiled

I cooked it too long, now my fish dinners foiled

I felt lonely today, so I bought some stock shares

And now I have company, so pull up some chairs

My last girlfriend saw crooked, she was sadly cross-eyed

We broke up when I heard she saw men on the side

The ex before her would get home, shouting loud as a drum

I asked why, she said “Sorry. I scream when I come”

The one before her wanted me strong, fit, and stout

I said no to her gym. We just didn’t work out

A suicide bomber ate his last meal on the road

Declined dessert with “No thank you. I’m about to explode!”

Saw a one-legged hitchhiker, so sad and so thin

Stopped my car on the spot, said “Come on, man. Hop in.”

Oh! One time my girl’s chest got so swelled with disease

Turned out she’d been stung by a nest of boo-bees

My sis said the number of bad jokes I tell: myriad

“Those PMS jokes? They’re not funny, Matt. Period.”

Dug myself a big foxhole, I’d write poems before sleep

If I say so myself, my war writing was deep

Misreading my boss got me fired, one dawn

“Can I please come in late?” He said “Sure Matt. Dream on.”

They say French fries are French, but I saw one press release

That said “Actually, the truth is they’re all cooked in Greece”

My childhood Priest had two jobs under control

Fixing shoes on the side, he heeled so many soles

Peter Pan. As a kid, I could not understand

All that flying he did and how he’d never land

That was not my only dilemma, I’ll say

If I’d known why Earth rotates, my days would’ve been made

Damn. I should go. Big brother’s listening, you see

Those jerks are beginning to really bug me!